jimnyc
07-13-2008, 07:31 PM
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A college student picked his date up at her parents home...
He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy
restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu:
appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works!
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not expecting me to suck her cock later
tonight, either."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," replies the girl.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...
So I switched the heads."
A guy boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him "Hey, what a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The guy answers "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was behind the counter. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. And she socked me one."
The first guy answers "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife "please pass the milk". But, I accidentally said "You've ruined my life you fucking bitch!".
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch Together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy Asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer? Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?
The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'
Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'
Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'
The little boy answered 'no,' again.
Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'
A little Later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa Asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'
The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'
Grandpa replied, Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'
The boy replied, Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me.'
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "Sorry, I was just thinking of my funeral - I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up. Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.'
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A college student picked his date up at her parents home...
He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy
restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu:
appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works!
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not expecting me to suck her cock later
tonight, either."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," replies the girl.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...
So I switched the heads."
A guy boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him "Hey, what a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The guy answers "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was behind the counter. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. And she socked me one."
The first guy answers "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife "please pass the milk". But, I accidentally said "You've ruined my life you fucking bitch!".
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch Together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy Asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer? Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?
The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'
Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'
Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'
The little boy answered 'no,' again.
Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'
A little Later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa Asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'
The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'
Grandpa replied, Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'
The boy replied, Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me.'
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "Sorry, I was just thinking of my funeral - I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up. Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.'
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good