jimnyc
07-14-2008, 03:47 PM
Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest.
This was to be for Christmas and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA Batteries in the thing and pushed the button. fokall!
I was so disappointed. I learned, however,that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain
to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little
soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury
like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter Jersey,
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one
side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm
pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up,
body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed
the recliner over my head just for fun.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing
over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid d00s!"
Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing
as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel
of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip
must have weighed 88 lbs.
By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my
body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal
to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt
when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a
significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage
when I plug anything into the socket.
So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it, take my advice!
Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....
This was to be for Christmas and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA Batteries in the thing and pushed the button. fokall!
I was so disappointed. I learned, however,that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain
to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little
soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury
like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter Jersey,
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one
side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm
pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up,
body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed
the recliner over my head just for fun.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing
over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid d00s!"
Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing
as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel
of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip
must have weighed 88 lbs.
By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my
body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal
to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt
when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a
significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage
when I plug anything into the socket.
So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it, take my advice!
Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....