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Said1
04-23-2007, 08:24 PM
From Your Starbucks Barista
Reply to: pers-296401321@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-03-18, 11:08PM CDT

To all of you silly, sad caffeine addicts who line up like lemmings for your overpriced lattes every morning: there are some things you should know.

1. We are not your friends. We are usually not your neighbors. In most cases, we absolutely loathe you, but we are outwardly friendly -- because we are paid to do so. You are not getting special treatment, and we really don’t give a shit about your last vacation or your new baby or your real estate problems. We ask how you’re doing because it’s a way of making conversation, and we are pressured to make conversation in this line of work. Now, there are some customers who are genuinely liked, but they’re few and far between. If you have to think about it, you’re probably not one of them.

2. Oh, you work from home? We are not your water-cooler break. We may be the only humans you have interacted with for days, but do not expect us to be interested in your stupid home business or your racist, sexist, totally unfunny commentary. Get your drink and get out.

3. Enough with repeating the George Carlin Starbucks order joke! It was funny the first time we heard it. Maybe. You are probably the four hundredth person to say it to me, expecting me to laugh, and I guarantee that you’re going to be disappointed.

4. Tipping is greatly appreciated. While Starbucks does provide great insurance and other benefits for its employees, and sometimes even a decent hourly wage, baristas are not guaranteed a certain amount of hours per week and NEVER get full-time hours. So: we have great health coverage but can barely buy groceries. Our tips help augment our meager paychecks. If you don’t want to tip, don’t - but quit bitching about it. I’ve noticed that the complexity of your drink order is quite often inversely proportionate to the size of your tip. The rudest and most difficult customers NEVER tip - usually the stay-at-home-moms wearing fifty grand worth of diamonds, yammering into their trendy pink KRAZRs and paying absolutely no attention to their horrible offspring (who are wreaking havoc in every way possible.) Bitches.

5. SKIM MILK is the same as NONFAT MILK. Do not order a “skim nonfat latte” – it’s redundant. Similarly, don’t say that you want a “grande skim latte” and then correct me when I call out “grande nonfat latte.” You bitch. Which brings me to:

6. We are trained to call out drink orders in a particular way. This helps to ensure that we get all of your stupid, nitpicky details correct. DO NOT
• Correct me (see above)
• Tell me as snottily as possible that you “don’t speak Starbucks.” That is quite possibly one of the dumbest statements I’ve ever heard.
• Keep asking me, “Is it decaf? Did you get that? I ordered decaf. Are you sure it’s decaf?” F+CK YOU. Yes, I got it.
• Tell me how to make a drink. I know what goes into a mocha. You probably couldn’t make one if someone had a gun to your head.

I may as well continue! DON’T:
• Lean on the hand-off counter, effectively blocking any of the people who ordered BEFORE you from getting their coffee.
• Take your drink, rip the top off, gulp down one-third to one-half of it, and then ask me to “top it off.”
• Snatch the first drink to come up, because of course it's yours! You’re the only f+cking customer in the place! You ordered a grande latte and this is a Frappuccino, what does it matter! You got there first!
• Scream at me because you don't want whipped cream, when you never specified that.
• Get all pissy when I ask if you want whipped cream on a nonfat mocha. Because some people do, the drink usually comes with it, and we are here to serve your demanding ass.
• Come in wearing a floor-length fur coat and, when asked if you need a bag for your purchase, say no because you want to “save some trees.” Please save me the forehead bruise.
• Hold your two-year-old up to the pastry case and ask him to choose something. Grown men (well, stupid grown men) are struck dumb by the variety at times; no toddler will be able to work out what he wants in under three days. Select something for him and move on.

7. If you are yapping away on your cell phone when you get up to the counter, TELL THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END TO HOLD ON. Do not try to communicate what you want by hand gestures. Do not stare at me blankly – YOU approached ME. Especially, do not roll your eyes at me and heave a sigh before bitchily telling me what you want while still babbling into the phone.

8. If we’re out of the sippy-cup lids and have to give you a regular old flat lid with a tear tab (this occasionally happens) – do not freak out and scream at the manager that it will spill and ruin your “very expensive car.” Buddy, I’ve seen that car (you double-park it outside the front door almost every f+cking day) and it’s not all that, so get off your f+cking high horse. And if you have enough money for that pricey auto, either buy a decent travel mug with a locking lid, or get the f+cking car detailed if something spills. And maybe lay off the caffeine. Asshole.

9. If you order a Frappuccino, I will hate you even more.

10. Quit bitching about the names of everything. Yes, there is a “tall" size. No, it’s not the smallest size – that would be the “short.” Somewhere along the line, it got dropped from the menu, but can still be ordered. It doesn’t make much sense to me either, but I didn’t come up with the nomenclature for this shit. Order by the names on the menu, because I’ve had people ask for a "medium coffee" and get inexplicably pissed off when I give them a grande. Which is a medium coffee. If you eat at McDonald’s, you put a “Mc” in front of just about everything – get the f+ck over yourself and get used to it.

11. Keep your f+cking $1200, four-foot-wide Bugaboo stroller out. Of. The. Store.

12. If you are one of the seriously annoying, mind-bogglingly stupid Change People, it's very likely that I'm restraining the urge to beat you senseless. Especially if you say something like, "I have twenty-four cents, if it helps…" – you are not helping anyone. F+ck you and your exact change. Don’t giggle and tell me how heavy it's making your bag and that you need to get rid of it. How about this: remove your spare change from your bag or pockets daily. Throw it in a change jar. When the jar fills up, cash it in. So simple, anyone can do it!

13. When you order "three shots of espresso, over ice, in a venti cup, extra ice" – WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING. You’re stealing, because you pay a lot less for that than you would for a latte, and then you fill it to the brim with milk from the condiment bar pitchers. You probably eat at buffets all the time and surreptitiously stuff your shoulder bag full of food, too. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but you really should learn it: if you can’t afford something, don’t f+cking buy it. Asshole.

14. Just because I work at Starbucks doesn’t mean I’m stupid. If I had a penny for everyone who treated me like a complete idiot because I work in the service industry, I’d be a retired billionaire by now. I probably scored higher than you did on standardized tests, am better-read, better-educated, a better writer, more articulate, more interesting, more observant, and better-traveled. However, because I am an artist (as are many of my co-workers) I don’t make the kind of money that the lawyers, doctors, and CEOs of the world do; this does not, however, make me a second-class citizen. So stop f+cking treating me (and everyone else who works at Starbucks) like one.

15. Have a nice f+cking day, you bastards!


http://starbucksgossip.typepad.com/_/2007/03/starbucks_baris_1.html

5stringJeff
04-23-2007, 10:35 PM
This is why I don't go to Starbucks. In our area, we have many more choices, where people actually are friendly, and I get a latte for $2 instead of $3.

And I never tip baristas for doing their jobs.

loosecannon
04-23-2007, 11:54 PM
This is why I don't go to Starbucks. In our area, we have many more choices, where people actually are friendly, and I get a latte for $2 instead of $3.

And I never tip baristas for doing their jobs.

I used to buy ground coffee at the very first starbucks across the street from the main row at Pike street. I don't even think they sold coffee ready to drink. Just beans. That was almost 30 years ago.

it is not an advantage to be too succesful~ chinese proverb

gabosaurus
04-24-2007, 12:00 AM
:laugh2: :clap:

Nienna
04-24-2007, 06:46 AM
We are not your friends. We are usually not your neighbors. In most cases, we absolutely loathe you, but we ARE outwardly friendly --because we are paid to DO so...

... Just because I work at Starbucks doesn’t mean I’m stupid. If I had a penny for everyone who treated me like a complete idiot because I work in the service industry, I’d be a retired billionaire by now. I probably scored higher than you did on standardized tests, am better-read, better-educated, a better writer...

If he's so bright, he will agree that the verb in blue should be "BE" instead of "DO."


Anyway, it was very interesting to find out that I can still order a "short." Cool.

Sitarro
04-24-2007, 06:56 AM
I once got into a conversation about coffee with a lady while waiting to get on a plane to Seattle. I complained about how, no matter what State I was in or how I ordered I was always corrected by the shits that work at Starbigbucks.....turns out she worked at the head office.

At one point she bent over to pick something up she conveniently dropped on the floor and her blouse opened up to reveal her naked chest. From her look when she brought her head up, I have no doubt she did it on purpose! She then walked off.....ughhhh, tease!:coffee: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:

I had the same look on my face as Buckwheat in my avatar.

Hobbit
04-24-2007, 11:39 AM
Eh, the whole employee-customer relationship is a 2-way street. I try to be as nice as I can possibly be, then joke about how much I hate certain customers on my day off.

Just remember, for every crappy customer, there's also a crappy employee.

darin
04-24-2007, 11:54 AM
Generally the author makes valid points - but that author is completely self-absorbed.

typomaniac
04-24-2007, 12:36 PM
This is why I have my own coffee maker with a bean grinder. Compared to Starfucks, that thing paid for itself in less than 2 weeks.

jackass
04-24-2007, 02:25 PM
Mmmmm. Makes me want to go get an Venti Iced hazelnut latte!!

Hobbit
04-24-2007, 02:53 PM
Mmmmm. Makes me want to go get an Venti Iced hazelnut latte!!

I don't work behind a coffee counter, but even I think that the longer it takes you to order your coffee, the bigger jerk you are. Decent people drink it black.

Baron Von Esslingen
04-24-2007, 02:59 PM
I buy Millstone beans, grind my own, and dispense with the whole ugly mess. For the price of two cups of coffee there, I have coffee all month.

Hobbit
04-24-2007, 03:06 PM
I buy Millstone beans, grind my own, and dispense with the whole ugly mess. For the price of two cups of coffee there, I have coffee all month.

Ah yes, but do you, like me, have an inside connection that can get you a decent supply of premium Jamaican Blue Mountain beans for less than a fourth what they charge here in the states? That stuff is heavenly.

And no, I ain't letting anybody in on the connection. If you move more than so much of that stuff at a time, you have to pay import duties, quadrupling the price.

typomaniac
04-24-2007, 03:35 PM
Ah yes, but do you, like me, have an inside connection that can get you a decent supply of premium Jamaican Blue Mountain beans for less than a fourth what they charge here in the states? That stuff is heavenly.

And no, I ain't letting anybody in on the connection. If you move more than so much of that stuff at a time, you have to pay import duties, quadrupling the price.Smuggler. :mad:

(I kid you, obviously.)

jackass
04-24-2007, 05:18 PM
I don't work behind a coffee counter, but even I think that the longer it takes you to order your coffee, the bigger jerk you are. Decent people drink it black.

People with no palate drink it black!

Baron Von Esslingen
04-24-2007, 05:22 PM
Ah yes, but do you, like me, have an inside connection that can get you a decent supply of premium Jamaican Blue Mountain beans for less than a fourth what they charge here in the states? That stuff is heavenly.

And no, I ain't letting anybody in on the connection. If you move more than so much of that stuff at a time, you have to pay import duties, quadrupling the price.

Your stuff may be great but I found stuff that satisfies me (on those all too infrequent times that I drink a pot of coffee) to change now. The ten pounds that I have in the freezer need to be dealt with first....

but thanks for the input/advice.

Gaffer
04-24-2007, 06:01 PM
Never been to starbucks. I keep a can of maxwell house in the cupboard and make a pot in the morning. Sometimes two. Sugar and creamer and I'm good to go.

typomaniac
04-24-2007, 06:37 PM
Maxwell House? No wonder you think you've spent time in hell.

Hobbit
04-24-2007, 08:38 PM
Your stuff may be great but I found stuff that satisfies me (on those all too infrequent times that I drink a pot of coffee) to change now. The ten pounds that I have in the freezer need to be dealt with first....

but thanks for the input/advice.

The Jamaican stuff will get you addicted to coffee. It's not so good that you can't go back to the regular stuff, but it's about the best stuff you can get without paying hundreds per pound for that Indonesian crap that they pull out of some animal's scat.

Really, I'm not making this up. The animal eats the coffee beans, but can't digest them, except for an enzyme unique to their digestive tracts which neutralizes the chemical that causes coffee to be bitter. The stuff is, like $150+/pound.

gabosaurus
04-24-2007, 09:26 PM
http://www.cbldf.org/graphics/logos/dwyerlogo.gif

Gaffer
04-24-2007, 09:32 PM
Maxwell House? No wonder you think you've spent time in hell.

The coffee in hell was instant from a c-ration pack drank from a cracker can.

Pale Rider
04-24-2007, 09:35 PM
Never been to starbucks. I keep a can of maxwell house in the cupboard and make a pot in the morning. Sometimes two. Sugar and creamer and I'm good to go.

Folgers here, and I've never been in a Starbucks either.

shattered
04-24-2007, 09:39 PM
*shakes head* Peppermint Mocha.. You don't know what you're missing..

As for plain coffee, Starbucks is the worst I've ever tasted. Always tastes burnt.. But.. Peppermint Mocha...with a Cranberry Bliss bar.. Mmmmmmmm.

5stringJeff
04-24-2007, 09:48 PM
For drip coffee, most Starbucks blends suck. I do like their Christmas blend, though, and one or two of the lighter blends. Their espresso is pretty good, although I usually just get a plain old latte.

Abbey Marie
04-24-2007, 11:07 PM
Once you go black... :coffee:

manu1959
04-24-2007, 11:08 PM
Once you go black... :coffee:

not true .... i had two girlfriends go black they both came back.....

Abbey Marie
04-24-2007, 11:10 PM
not true .... i had two girlfriends go black they both came back.....

You must be octoroon. :D

manu1959
04-24-2007, 11:18 PM
You must octoroon. :D

nope just big feet....

Abbey Marie
04-24-2007, 11:21 PM
nope just big feet....

http://www.allfunnypictures.com/images/bigfoot.jpg

manu1959
04-24-2007, 11:23 PM
http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/jlv0075l.jpg

too funny i was at the zoo one day with my girlfreind and we wlaked by the elephat exhibit....bull elephat has his manhood unsheathed.....thing was as big as the trainer...my girlfriend just .....moaned....can't trust the horse set...