Hagbard Celine
04-27-2007, 11:54 AM
Thoughts of the Average Voter (as [Correctly] Imagined by Politicians)
“I am upset that I work full time and still fall below the poverty line. I blame queers and people of another race.”
“Clearly, the best way to reduce crime is to build more prisons. Evidence linking poverty and crime is flimsy at best.”
“At least both candidates favor education initiatives with humanitarian names that direct money towards arbitrary and biased standardized tests. Hiring more qualified teachers and rebuilding crumbling inner-city schools would yield questionable results.”
“The rich do enough for this country. They should not have to pay higher taxes than the rest of us.”
“I fear that we might one day be attacked by a country whose economy is based almost entirely on trade with the United States. Therefore, we must spend more on our military than every other nation combined. This will make other countries feel more secure, and they will whore their underclass to us rather than initiate an arms race.”
“Morality is derived from creatively interpreting apocryphal texts, not the desire to reduce human suffering.”
“If we give free health care to poor people by taxing the super-rich, the economy, and quite possibly the universe, will collapse.”
“I see many distinct differences between these two courageous candidates.”
“Congratulations on successfully side-stepping another important question and leaving me lost in forest of vague rhetoric and empty catch-phrases. You've got my vote.”
“One American life is worth approximately ten European lives, four hundred thousand African lives, and fifteen million Arab lives.”
“A presidential candidate's war record is the deciding factor in his ability to oversee the American economy.”
“The rich white liberal cares about me more than the rich white conservative, though they both care about me very much.”
http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1899&pageid=3
“I am upset that I work full time and still fall below the poverty line. I blame queers and people of another race.”
“Clearly, the best way to reduce crime is to build more prisons. Evidence linking poverty and crime is flimsy at best.”
“At least both candidates favor education initiatives with humanitarian names that direct money towards arbitrary and biased standardized tests. Hiring more qualified teachers and rebuilding crumbling inner-city schools would yield questionable results.”
“The rich do enough for this country. They should not have to pay higher taxes than the rest of us.”
“I fear that we might one day be attacked by a country whose economy is based almost entirely on trade with the United States. Therefore, we must spend more on our military than every other nation combined. This will make other countries feel more secure, and they will whore their underclass to us rather than initiate an arms race.”
“Morality is derived from creatively interpreting apocryphal texts, not the desire to reduce human suffering.”
“If we give free health care to poor people by taxing the super-rich, the economy, and quite possibly the universe, will collapse.”
“I see many distinct differences between these two courageous candidates.”
“Congratulations on successfully side-stepping another important question and leaving me lost in forest of vague rhetoric and empty catch-phrases. You've got my vote.”
“One American life is worth approximately ten European lives, four hundred thousand African lives, and fifteen million Arab lives.”
“A presidential candidate's war record is the deciding factor in his ability to oversee the American economy.”
“The rich white liberal cares about me more than the rich white conservative, though they both care about me very much.”
http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1899&pageid=3