View Full Version : Christmas is coming ...
How about this lil toy on your list, fellas?
http://youtu.be/IBAMNJZ8OVo 2583
Love Monkey
11-12-2011, 07:21 AM
Already done my Christmas shopping. Everybody is getting one of those McDonald's gift certificate books.
red states rule
11-12-2011, 07:26 AM
and do not forget any liberals you know
Here are great gift ideas for those looney lefties
Got this in an email from a buddy of mine
12 Christmas Gifts for Liberals:
Liberty and Tyranny by Mark Levin
Arguing with Idiots by Glenn Beck
Going Rogue by Sarah Palin
American Patriot stuff at billoreilly.com store (all proceeds go to charity)
Autographed picture of Karl Rove or Dick Cheney (just sign their name to it and your good to go)
Toy Doctor Set to care for loved ones when national health care starts
2 tickets to Sean Hannity's Freedom concert
2 tickets to Nascar event
Subscription to High Times if they live in SF area
A Paso to replace the declining dollar in their wallet
MRE’s and Boy Scout Manuel (just in case Govn’t goes bankrupt)
A bottle of Crown (always a favorite)
jimnyc
11-12-2011, 07:49 AM
Already done my Christmas shopping. Everybody is getting one of those McDonald's gift certificate books.
Well aren't you the big spender, and thoughtful too. Nothing spells lover better than a Big Mac!
My list is simple, and the same every year - peace, love and a BJ. :coffee:
(although I never get it)
red states rule
11-12-2011, 07:53 AM
Well aren't you the big spender, and thoughtful too. Nothing spells lover better than a Big Mac!
My list is simple, and the same every year - peace, love and a BJ. :coffee:
(although I never get it)
Forget the Big Macs - I love those Doubles from Wendy's
Sorry Jim, but I ALWAYS get what I want from my GF and she loves to give it
Well aren't you the big spender, and thoughtful too. Nothing spells lover better than a Big Mac!
My list is simple, and the same every year - peace, love and a BJ. :coffee:
(although I never get it)
You can't get love? Or peace? Cuz of course every woman will give a Christmas bj. 2606
Already done my Christmas shopping. Everybody is getting one of those McDonald's gift certificate books.
Did you get me two because I'm special, LM? 2607
Gunny
11-18-2011, 09:34 AM
How about this lil toy on your list, fellas?
http://youtu.be/IBAMNJZ8OVo 2583
Is this where I get to post all my Jesus Christmas carols?
Gunny
11-18-2011, 09:36 AM
You can't get love? Or peace? Cuz of course every woman will give a Christmas bj. 2606
:mm:
Shadow
11-18-2011, 10:12 AM
Well aren't you the big spender, and thoughtful too. Nothing spells lover better than a Big Mac!
My list is simple, and the same every year - peace, love and a BJ. :coffee:
(although I never get it)
Not even on Steak and BJ day? If not...that's just sad. :(
Shadow
11-18-2011, 10:20 AM
Already done my Christmas shopping. Everybody is getting one of those McDonald's gift certificate books.
Where have you been all my life?;)
Is this where I get to post all my Jesus Christmas carols?
No.
That would be the music forum, slacker. If y'all can't post in the right forum ... you may have come from another board we all know ...;)
Where have you been all my life?;)
Hey! I saw the monkey first - back off, Shadow, or we'll have to ... hmmm, we're both reasonably intelligent, logical females (allegedly) so we'd probably just split the gift books and go have lunch together. :D
Sorry fellas. Cat fights ain't my style and I think Shadow's got better things to do too.;)
Shadow
11-18-2011, 08:43 PM
Hey! I saw the monkey first - back off, Shadow, or we'll have to ... hmmm, we're both reasonably intelligent, logical females (allegedly) so we'd probably just split the gift books and go have lunch together. :D
Sorry fellas. Cat fights ain't my style and I think Shadow's got better things to do too.;)
Wanna flip for him? :laugh:
Otherwise half is fine with me...as long as I get a quarter pounder and fries it's all good on my end (I ain't greedy).
Oh...and... no...I don't fight over men. If they want to be with you...they will...if they don't...no amount of fighting about it will matter anyway.
Gunny
11-18-2011, 09:08 PM
No.
That would be the music forum, slacker. If y'all can't post in the right forum ... you may have come from another board we all know ...;)
:smoke: Right.
Wanna flip for him? :laugh:
Otherwise half is fine with me...as long as I get a quarter pounder and fries it's all good on my end (I ain't greedy).
Oh...and... no...I don't fight over men. If they want to be with you...they will...if they don't...no amount of fighting about it will matter anyway.
I'm good with a chicken wrap. And an Oreo McFlurry. Maybe some fries.
Totally agree with you on the men thing. Chocolate I might fight over ... 2608
red states rule
11-19-2011, 04:00 AM
Hey! I saw the monkey first - back off, Shadow, or we'll have to ... hmmm, we're both reasonably intelligent, logical females (allegedly) so we'd probably just split the gift books and go have lunch together. :D
Sorry fellas. Cat fights ain't my style and I think Shadow's got better things to do too.;)
No cat fight?
Damn, I guess I will send both of you a scratching post :laugh2:
Shadow
11-19-2011, 07:06 AM
No cat fight?
Damn, I guess I will send both of you a scratching post :laugh2:
Do men REALLY like the catty bitchy fighting types anyway (you know...the ones who love to cause a scene)?
A scratching post? Couldn't you just send a gift card? :coffee:
red states rule
11-19-2011, 07:08 AM
Do men REALLY like the catty bitchy fighting types anyway (you know...the ones who love to cause a scene)?
A scratching post? Couldn't you just send a gift card? :coffee:
I will be glad to send both of you a gift card to Pet Smart and you can pick out your own scratching posts
How's that?
Shadow
11-19-2011, 10:56 AM
I will be glad to send both of you a gift card to Pet Smart and you can pick out your own scratching posts
How's that?
Awesome! I need some new goldfish.:thumb:
red states rule
11-19-2011, 11:00 AM
Awesome! I need some new goldfish.:thumb:
I will make a note
I learned early to pay attention when a women says she likes or wants something
With my GF I have gotten her box sets of her favorite shows (that was a B-Day gift). It makes her happy and boy am I happy later
I will be glad to send both of you a gift card to Pet Smart and you can pick out your own scratching posts
How's that?
Kewl! Marvin is almost out of his kitty-cat marijuana. Plus, he and the little kitten outside eat lots of food. Now Gunny won't have tget another job just so we can feed the cats. :laugh:
red states rule
11-19-2011, 02:37 PM
Kewl! Marvin is almost out of his kitty-cat marijuana. Plus, he and the little kitten outside eat lots of food. Now Gunny won't have tget another job just so we can feed the cats. :laugh:
That is a good reason for him to get off his butt, put down the mouse, and back away from the keyboard
The last thing this world needs is hungry kitties. I have 5 and this morning Wal Mart sold a bunch of canned food that will feed them for the next 7 days
That is a good reason for him to get off his butt, put down the mouse, and back away from the keyboard
The last thing this world needs is hungry kitties. I have 5 and this morning Wal Mart sold a buch of canned food that will feed them for the next 7 days
Considering he hasn't been on all day and I have, there probably won't be any complaints from my side. Plus, he's getting groceries right now. 2611
Love Monkey
11-19-2011, 05:38 PM
Did you get me two because I'm special, LM? 2607
Yes. You are "special"... not short bus special either. You get 3.
Yes. You are "special"... not short bus special either. You get 3.
2613
ConHog
11-19-2011, 11:08 PM
No cat fight?
Damn, I guess I will send both of you a scratching post :laugh2:
Next time there is almost a cat fight in a thread, I expect a PM. I know it didn't happen, but if it had and I had missed it, there might have been trouble. :2up:
Next time there is almost a cat fight in a thread, I expect a PM. I know it didn't happen, but if it had and I had missed it, there might have been trouble. :2up:
You're such a freakin' dog, CH. 2621
ConHog
11-20-2011, 01:12 PM
You're such a freakin' dog, CH. 2621
Ahoooo
red states rule
11-21-2011, 02:52 AM
Considering he hasn't been on all day and I have, there probably won't be any complaints from my side. Plus, he's getting groceries right now. 2611
Groceries eh? Watch the bags after he puts the food away
http://www.funnychix.com/pix/funny-pictures-cat-bag.jpg
Groceries eh? Watch the bags after he puts the food away
http://www.funnychix.com/pix/funny-pictures-cat-bag.jpg
We have plastic bags.
Which means he's even more likely to put em on the cat. Or the kids.
red states rule
11-27-2011, 08:59 AM
We have plastic bags.
Which means he's even more likely to put em on the cat. Or the kids.
Cat in a plastic bag eh?
Well this might by your cats diary Jess
DAY 183 OF MY CAPTIVITY
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse them, I again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. (Note-to-self: I think I'll try urinating under their bed, too. Wonder how long it'll take them to find it?)
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergeez." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dogs are routinely released and seem more than happy to return. They must obviously be half-wits.
The bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved. But I can wait; it's only a matter of time...
DAY 185 OF MY CAPTIVITY
It is now my 185th day in captivity. My captors have completely eliminated my canned food and replaced it with dry kibble, claiming that it is better for my health. The wet food was the only thing I looked forward too, and now even that has been taken from me. I have discovered, however, that the dry food serves to create sharper points on my teeth, and keeps them stronger. I must force myself to consume it, regardless of the taste.
Each morning, they read pages of what is called a newspaper. I found that it is particularly annoying to my captors if I lie on it while they read. Shredding the newspaper is also a particular peeve of theirs, and I have taken delight in doing this before they awake each morning.
My captors have now obtained a "fish tank" - which serves to make up for part of my loss in the food department. While the little creatures are tiny, they are quite tasty. They have yet to replace the two small fish that I have consumed. I must think of a way to make them notice the loss.
The bird continues to mock me. Its little metal room has proven stronger than originally anticipated...
DAY 201 OF MY CAPTIVITY
I'm unsure of my ability to survive as a captive and have made several attempts to break out. At first, it was simple enough to circle my captors feet, in a surreptitious manner, as they opened the front door. I would then bolt from them through the door to freedom. But, to no avail - they caught me in a manner of minutes - my legs are not as fast as they used to be and I grow weak with continued imprisonment. What is worse is that since the first attempt, I have now found myself separated from the living room. My captors are much more intelligent than originally anticipated...
For entertainment, I have taken to terrorizing the dogs by sitting on the kitchen table and swiping at them with my long nails. The dogs are obvious half-wits. They know very little about my skills as a hunter, and are forbidden by my captors to attack me. The dogs grow more irritated each day.
I have found my captors are easy to manipulate in many ways, but outdoor access remains elusive. I have not lost hope, however, and have every intention of escaping this horrid place one-day soon
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan ...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Cat in a plastic bag eh?
Well this might by your cats diary Jess
How to give a cat a pill:
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
Wrap it in bacon, toss it in the air. Done.
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