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View Full Version : Do I attend and suck it up or do I stand my ground?



KitchenKitten99
03-12-2012, 02:27 PM
This has to do with my own mother.

B/G: My mother has always been a bit absentee. She was a teenager when I was born, made some not-so-good choices and lost custody of me to my step-dad's (the guy my mom named as my dad, but biologically was not as I later found out) mother, who ended up raising me until she passed away when I was nearly 16.

We never really had the close relationship I had always desired with her. Even after my grandmother passed, and I moved in with my step-dad, which was closer to her in distance than before, she never really made the effort nor expressed desire to be in my life more than she was at the time

Then I got married to my now-ex and had two kids. She only lived a few blocks away and with her work schedule, she was finally around more, voluntarily too. Stopping by in the mornings with pastries for the kids, and babysitting, etc.

Then my ex and I split, and she sided with him, pretty much acting like I wasn't even her daughter. Yes our split wasn't a pleasant one, yet it was not an epic fight, either. You would think I could count on my own mother for emotional support. Nope. She seemed more interested in getting to know my ex's new GF than being a mother to me or meeting the guy I was dating (who is now my husband). I never told her nor thought she had to avoid my ex. Quite the opposite but she is MY mother. Could I have that too, please?

She finally came to terms with my divorce and got to know my new guy, and accepted he was/is in my life.

So, she seemed to make a little more effort. It didn't last long.

Fast forward to now. In the last 2 years, she hasn't made one bit of effort to see my kids when they're with me. She lives with my sister, 10 miles away. I have my kids every morning before school and every other weekend. Then holidays are kind of based upon my ex and his family schedule, but I usually get them for even part of a day if it isn't my weekend.

This past Christmas my dad and step-mom drove 1000 miles from Dallas to my place to spend Christmas with all of us, especially with my boys. My mom didn't even want to make the effort to drive 10 miles and she said she had other plans to just stay home. Yeah.

It was then I decided that if she doesn't want to make any effort to be in our lives, then I am done trying. She tries to argue I never go see her or bring the boys to her. Um, I have TRIED to but she is NEVER home. She is always out with her boyfriend or always tells me she has to work. She seems to always be working but never seems to have any money...

So today my grandma (her mom) calls telling me she wants to do a surprise b-day party for my mom on Monday, along with celebrating my husband's b-day (his is this weds). The dinner party is going to be at the restaurant that is across the street from my shop. Grandma knows a little bit about what went on for Christmas but I hadn't really said anything to her about it after.

My whole point is I really don't want to go. I honestly don't want much to do with my mother anymore. I am tired of being ignored and my kids being ignored. They have asked about her, I just don't know how do I tell them that their grandmother is not interested in them anymore. The thing is, more than just my grandparents will be there. My two sisters are going to be, and a few others, I think.

My dilemma is I can't exactly say I can't go. The party is going to be right across from my shop, so I can't just avoid it and claim the shop is busy, when on Mondays, it is pretty slow-and it will be obvious. Plus my grandparents are coming from where they live, 4 hours away, and they offered to make it a dual-party with my husband in mind.

My husband is supportive of whatever I want to do.

I want to go because my grandparents are wanting to see us and they are being themselves and including Steve's birthday in the celebrations.

I don't want to go because I don't want to have anything to do with my mother anymore. I am tired of the emotional struggle of wanting a close relationship, or even a relationship, period. My dad's family is all in Texas, so I can't just see them any time I want. They all WANT to be in my life and such and do so as much as they can from the distance they are.

I am at a cross-roads...:(:confused:

Nukeman
03-12-2012, 02:39 PM
Will there be other family members there that you like to have in your life?? If so go and see them and be cordial but not overly accepting of your mother. They are including your husband in the festivities so that is a plus.

Most probably have no idea how you REALLY feel about your biological mother and how she has treated you so go be social with the others give your mother a hello and move on to the next family or firend.

You don't have to spend time with her just because its a party that includes her as a guest of honor, our family is big enough that its pretty easy to avoid someone if you want at family get togethers, I don't know how large a party your talking about but if its at least 20 people you should be able to keep your time with her to a minimum plus save face with the rest of the family..

just my 2 cents worth!!

KitchenKitten99
03-12-2012, 03:00 PM
I don't think it will be more than 10, including myself, my husband, and sisters, and grandparents.

I think I am more worried that it will turn into a fiasco. Just because I am not really on speaking terms with my mother (not officially as if i told her as such, I just don't make any effort to include her in things). I don't think my grandma knows this. If she does know about it, this could be an effort by my grandma to get us to talk again, but if it is that, she wouldn't tell me or admit it anyway.

logroller
03-13-2012, 01:03 PM
I've always believed you don't regret the things you do, only those you don't. So I'd say go, enjoy what you can and chock the rest.

Theres a Buddhist (I think) story that you may find helpful. There was a monk walking along a path and he hears a rustling alongside in the bushes-- it was a tiger! He begins running, but is rapidly losing ground as he approaches a cliff. Slipping down he grabs hold of berry vine, hoping he can slow his descent down to the base. However, looking down he sees another tiger, lying in wait. At this point he looks to his hand, grasping the thorny branch and causing severe pain and he notices a single berry. He picks the berry and eats it-- and it's the sweetest berry he'd ever tasted. So is life; the past lurks, the future forbodes-- but only the present bears fruit!
Hope that helps.

Mr. P
03-13-2012, 01:44 PM
I've always believed you don't regret the things you do, only those you don't. So I'd say go, enjoy what you can and chock the rest.

Theres a Buddhist (I think) story that you may find helpful. There was a monk walking along a path and he hears a rustling alongside in the bushes-- it was a tiger! He begins running, but is rapidly losing ground as he approaches a cliff. Slipping down he grabs hold of berry vine, hoping he can slow his descent down to the base. However, looking down he sees another tiger, lying in wait. At this point he looks to his hand, grasping the thorny branch and causing severe pain and he notices a single berry. He picks the berry and eats it-- and it's the sweetest berry he'd ever tasted. So is life; the past lurks, the future forbodes-- but only the present bears fruit!
Hope that helps.

An interesting story, akin to "Live for the now" vs the past or future. Maybe?

KitchenKitten99
03-13-2012, 02:00 PM
New twist on the situation: Grandma and Grandpa want to see the boys now too. SO... now I am pretty much going to have to go. I won't deny them seeing my kids especially when they only get down here a few times a year.

Originally I wasn't intending to bring them as it is a weeknight but this is a special situation.

Ugh.

I will likely just be polite and cordial, but nothing more than that. I know my inner emotions would be to just vent on all the BS she has put me through but I am going to have to keep it inside unless she says something that sets me off.

I sure hope she doesn't.

logroller
03-13-2012, 02:39 PM
An interesting story, akin to "Live for the now" vs the past or future. Maybe?
Definitely. Not by choice, 'tis just reality.:thumb:

SassyLady
03-13-2012, 11:53 PM
New twist on the situation: Grandma and Grandpa want to see the boys now too. SO... now I am pretty much going to have to go. I won't deny them seeing my kids especially when they only get down here a few times a year.

Originally I wasn't intending to bring them as it is a weeknight but this is a special situation.

Ugh.

I will likely just be polite and cordial, but nothing more than that. I know my inner emotions would be to just vent on all the BS she has put me through but I am going to have to keep it inside unless she says something that sets me off.

I sure hope she doesn't.

The kids deserve to visit with their great-grandparents and vice versa. It's hard to be the adult when you have issues with your parents, however, this is a great opportunity for you to set an example for your kids so they don't grow up having issues with your behavior. Being the better person shows your children that anyone can survive and be a good person no matter how bad their parents were.

Gunny
03-14-2012, 06:56 AM
This has to do with my own mother.

B/G: My mother has always been a bit absentee. She was a teenager when I was born, made some not-so-good choices and lost custody of me to my step-dad's (the guy my mom named as my dad, but biologically was not as I later found out) mother, who ended up raising me until she passed away when I was nearly 16.

We never really had the close relationship I had always desired with her. Even after my grandmother passed, and I moved in with my step-dad, which was closer to her in distance than before, she never really made the effort nor expressed desire to be in my life more than she was at the time

Then I got married to my now-ex and had two kids. She only lived a few blocks away and with her work schedule, she was finally around more, voluntarily too. Stopping by in the mornings with pastries for the kids, and babysitting, etc.

Then my ex and I split, and she sided with him, pretty much acting like I wasn't even her daughter. Yes our split wasn't a pleasant one, yet it was not an epic fight, either. You would think I could count on my own mother for emotional support. Nope. She seemed more interested in getting to know my ex's new GF than being a mother to me or meeting the guy I was dating (who is now my husband). I never told her nor thought she had to avoid my ex. Quite the opposite but she is MY mother. Could I have that too, please?

She finally came to terms with my divorce and got to know my new guy, and accepted he was/is in my life.

So, she seemed to make a little more effort. It didn't last long.

Fast forward to now. In the last 2 years, she hasn't made one bit of effort to see my kids when they're with me. She lives with my sister, 10 miles away. I have my kids every morning before school and every other weekend. Then holidays are kind of based upon my ex and his family schedule, but I usually get them for even part of a day if it isn't my weekend.

This past Christmas my dad and step-mom drove 1000 miles from Dallas to my place to spend Christmas with all of us, especially with my boys. My mom didn't even want to make the effort to drive 10 miles and she said she had other plans to just stay home. Yeah.

It was then I decided that if she doesn't want to make any effort to be in our lives, then I am done trying. She tries to argue I never go see her or bring the boys to her. Um, I have TRIED to but she is NEVER home. She is always out with her boyfriend or always tells me she has to work. She seems to always be working but never seems to have any money...

So today my grandma (her mom) calls telling me she wants to do a surprise b-day party for my mom on Monday, along with celebrating my husband's b-day (his is this weds). The dinner party is going to be at the restaurant that is across the street from my shop. Grandma knows a little bit about what went on for Christmas but I hadn't really said anything to her about it after.

My whole point is I really don't want to go. I honestly don't want much to do with my mother anymore. I am tired of being ignored and my kids being ignored. They have asked about her, I just don't know how do I tell them that their grandmother is not interested in them anymore. The thing is, more than just my grandparents will be there. My two sisters are going to be, and a few others, I think.

My dilemma is I can't exactly say I can't go. The party is going to be right across from my shop, so I can't just avoid it and claim the shop is busy, when on Mondays, it is pretty slow-and it will be obvious. Plus my grandparents are coming from where they live, 4 hours away, and they offered to make it a dual-party with my husband in mind.

My husband is supportive of whatever I want to do.

I want to go because my grandparents are wanting to see us and they are being themselves and including Steve's birthday in the celebrations.

I don't want to go because I don't want to have anything to do with my mother anymore. I am tired of the emotional struggle of wanting a close relationship, or even a relationship, period. My dad's family is all in Texas, so I can't just see them any time I want. They all WANT to be in my life and such and do so as much as they can from the distance they are.

I am at a cross-roads...:(:confused:

Let it go. I have come to a conclusion. My mother's a piece of garbage Everything in her life has always been about her. I can recall when she had full custody of my brother and me, and my dad who had visitation fron 12 noon - 6PM on SUnday, saw us more. My mom dumped us on my grandparents and went to party.

She's STILL my mom.

Go for the reasons you want, or don't go for the reasons you want. Either way, do what YOU think is right for you. But don't overthink it. Not that you're a girl, or anything ....:laugh:

Jess
03-15-2012, 07:31 PM
Hmmmm ... can you do both and still feel like you've made the decision?

You have problems with your mom - that's definitely understandable. Your kids and other relatives will be there and you don't want to disappoint them - also very understandable.

In the long run, you have to do what you feel is right. Over-think the living daylights out of the situation, if that's what works for you. It does for me. By the time I've hashed it out every which way, I'm probably about as much at peace with my decision as I ever will be. Contrary to what other people may do. It works for me. ;)



Good luck and very, very positive thoughts your way. Family can be the greatest thing but sometimes the worst. We just have to deal with things one day at a time.

darin
03-16-2012, 09:54 AM
I can relate to your situation a bit.

I vote 'go'. See, it's like this. You can't control the beahviour and asshole-ness of those in your life; only your own behavior. Use your 'doing the right thing' type motivation to go and enjoy a party.

Trigg
03-16-2012, 03:53 PM
You should go.

The kids will enjoy seeing your grandparents and that's important.

Said1
03-18-2012, 11:06 PM
OMG. You got divorced and remarried? I'm soooo oout of the loop.Bu

I can relate to your situation, I"d go and have fun anyway. At least you can say you made the effort and had a positive attitude.

Dilloduck
03-19-2012, 12:55 AM
I think you should do what you think is wrong for you if you are known for making a lot of bad choices.

KitchenKitten99
03-19-2012, 10:55 AM
OMG. You got divorced and remarried? I'm soooo oout of the loop.

Yeah I didn't tell anyone here about anything (except one person with whom I am friends with on Facebook) about my split with my ex and all that. I didn't want to play 20 questions or be chastised for not working it out, or whatever. It was just something I wanted to keep to myself for a bit until I felt ok with saying something.

I did in this thread: http://www.debatepolicy.com/showthread.php?32941-I-want-to-say-thanks-to-Jimnyc

KitchenKitten99
03-23-2012, 11:03 PM
Well, I went and it was ok. I placed my kids on both sides of me so as to keep them from fighting or messing around too much. Based on how everyone was seated, my mom ended up on the other side of one of my kids. This was nice because it forced her to interact with my youngest, and she did, which kept our conversation limited.

It was nice to see my mom get a decent birthday celebration, I do have to say that. I am not completely heartless and hateful towards her.

I just didn't say much and let everyone else do the talking.

I talked with my grandma an hour beforehand. She said she had set the party up solely because she wanted my mom to have a nice birthday for once. She only included me and my 2 sisters and our respective s/o's, and my mom's boyfriend, who helped get her to the dinner and kept it a secret, etc. It had nothing to do with me and my not speaking to mom, and her wanting to get us to speak. She said it wouldn't be right if she had only asked my sisters to attend but not me. Especially when my shop is literally right across the street.

After dinner we made small talk but really I tried not to say much.

So, all in all, pretty uneventful.