Funny Jokes

[jimnyc]

My favorite so far:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

And then another from one of my favorite comedians, Jim Norton:

I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.

Redneck humor:

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[aboutime]

jimnyc: Your first joke reminded me of one my father enjoyed telling back in the 80's. Before he passed away.

He described a Drunk, sitting at a BUS STOP on the bench, waiting for the next bus to arrive.

Finally. The bus arrives, he stands up, and before climbing aboard. A Woman with two Brown paper, grocery bags steps down to the curb, and trips.

As she tripped. The contents of both paper bags fell out, right in front of the Drunk.

A dozen eggs, a two pound Liver...fell out of it's wrappings, and a bottle of Ketchup all spilled on the sidewalk, making a terrible, smelly mess at the Drunk's feet.

The woman screamed as she steadied herself, and the Drunk just looked down at the mess, then looked at the woman and said:

"Don't worry lady. That Baby wouldn't have lived anyway. The EYES are too far apart!"

[Robert A Whit]

Some of the best humor I ever heard was by a man who was the oiler on construction rigs. He gets all the credit for tis joke. In honor of the deceased Sam Countryman who made me laugh a lot.

An old doctor wanted to retire. Advertising for a replacement in the tiny town he practiced in, a young doctor was able to get his practice. The old timer doctor gave him the run down on patients. A young smart alec was a patient and he warned him about him.

Days after the young doctor took over, the young Alec shows up.

Complaining he could not taste. The young doctor being aware asked him if that was his only problem. No.

I can't tell the truth either Alec says.

And Doc, I forget.

I got just the thing for you says the young doctor.

Going into the bathroom, the doctor uses some feces to create a few brown pills.

Bringing them out in a prescription bottle, he hands them over.

Alec can't believe it. How do I know they work he bellows?

Take one now says the Doctor.

So Alec does.

Spitting it out as he chewed he says, Doc, that aint medicine. It's shit.

I see says the Doctor.

You got back your sense of taste.

And you told the truth. You ate shit.

And if you ever forget.

Take the rest of them. :laugh:

[gabosaurus]

A boat filled with tourists sinks in shark infested waters. When a rescue ship arrived, the only survivors were two lawyers.
A young deck man asked the captain "why are those two the only ones not eaten by sharks?"
The captain replied "Professional courtesy."

And since I was born a blonde and remain one at heart, a blonde joke:

A blonde goes into an electronic store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."

[tailfins]

And since I was born a blonde and remain one at heart, a blonde joke:

An ex-blonde? What are you now? Gray?

[aboutime]

An ex-blonde? What are you now? Gray?


tailfins. You'll never get an honest answer to that. Gabby is probably staring at that ORANGE JUICE Bottle right now.

You know? The bottle that reads "CONCENTRATE".

I also think Gabby doesn't understand American humor. She talks like she's from England. Using words like WC and Loo are telling.

[gabosaurus]

An ex-blonde? What are you now? Gray?

I am an ovarian cancer survivor. Some of the treatments and medications I took made my hair thin and turn white. I had it treated and colored, so I am now a brunette.
But I remain a blonde in disguise. :cool:

[Robert A Whit]

I am an ovarian cancer survivor. Some of the treatments and medications I took made my hair thin and turn white. I had it treated and colored, so I am now a brunette.
But I remain a blonde in disguise. :cool:

If you don't like dying your hair, try the product called Youthair.

It's not expensive and turns your hair to the color you grew up with.

I swear by the product. I used to use the liquid but now use the creme. I got my last supply on Amazon.com.

All you do is apply it and forget it. In a few days, your hair color starts changing.

[red states rule]

Q. When Obama is reelected President, how will he ensure that men and women have equal earnings?
A. Unemployment.


The Obama campaign was handing out "Obama vs Outsourcing" bumper-stickers. They were made in China.



Romney vowed to donate his salary to charity if he won. When Obama won, he vowed to donate yours.

[aboutime]

Q. When Obama is reelected President, how will he ensure that men and women have equal earnings?
A. Unemployment.


The Obama campaign was handing out "Obama vs Outsourcing" bumper-stickers. They were made in China.



Romney vowed to donate his salary to charity if he won. When Obama won, he vowed to donate yours.



red states rule: Did you happen to hear why Obama doesn't eat Pickles?

He keeps getting his head stuck in the pickle jar! (ear alert)

[red states rule]

What do Obama and Osama have in common? They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon