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View Full Version : Being mean is the death knell of relationships



darin
11-12-2014, 03:49 PM
Love this.



Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.

Social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action in the 1970s in response to a crisis: Married couples were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the broken marriages, psychologists decided to cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship were.

Was each unhappy family unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy claimed, or did the miserable marriages all share something toxic in common?

Psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.

John Gottman began gathering his most critical findings in 1986, when he set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other.

With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects' blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3It2SwXkN

gabosaurus
11-12-2014, 06:04 PM
Marriages are built on love, trust and compatibility. They fail when one (or more) of these qualities disappear from the relationship.
Too many couples meet and get married before facing a serious crisis together. If your relationship has always been sweetness and light, with no mutual bumps in the road, you are not ready to be married.

Tyr-Ziu Saxnot
11-12-2014, 06:59 PM
Being mean in a relationship -- no man can ever hope to match a woman in that effort when she puts her mind into it.
Guys, your intelligence level can not compensate for the cleverness , deceptiveness and patience a woman can muster in that realm..
Trust me, I know this for a damn fact.. -Tyr

SassyLady
11-12-2014, 09:04 PM
Being mean in a relationship -- no man can ever hope to match a woman in that effort when she puts her mind into it.
Guys, your intelligence level can not compensate for the cleverness , deceptiveness and patience a woman can muster in that realm..
Trust me, I know this for a damn fact.. -Tyr

Very astute Tyr!!!

SassyLady
11-12-2014, 09:07 PM
Marriages are built on love, trust and compatibility. They fail when one (or more) of these qualities disappear from the relationship.
Too many couples meet and get married before facing a serious crisis together. If your relationship has always been sweetness and light, with no mutual bumps in the road, you are not ready to be married.

It has been my experience that love is built upon trust, respect and integrity. Once these are broken, loving someone can be difficult .... or difficult being loved if you are the one that caused the betrayal.

darin
11-13-2014, 07:12 AM
compatibility, whether chosen or learned, is the central pillar in any relationship. Nothing we 'do' is a problem so much as our TRUE motivation - and that's at the heart of the article.

tailfins
11-13-2014, 08:20 AM
Being mean in a relationship -- no man can ever hope to match a woman in that effort when she puts her mind into it.
Guys, your intelligence level can not compensate for the cleverness , deceptiveness and patience a woman can muster in that realm..
Trust me, I know this for a damn fact.. -Tyr

It's interesting that I get called sexist for expecting these things. I watched my adult half-sisters when I was growing up, making me wise to this bull crap. Thankfully back then I discovered being a pre-teen trumped being a "lady". I was just telling my youngest son when he starts dating and a girl wants to be "just friends", send her a link to this Tom Petty video. If a woman hits you (even as an adult), police view you for filing criminal charges as wise and careful. My advice for men with abusive wives is to give her the gift of a criminal record. She will be unable to earn a living AND it serves as an equalizer and deterrent against her filing for divorce. That gift also helps you keep custody of any children.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0JvF9vpqx8

Perianne
11-13-2014, 10:38 AM
While the OP was likely referring to male-female relationships, I also take it as it refers to relationships within this forum. While I like this forum (when G*nny is not here), there are unfortunate instances of calling one another "idiot" and the like. All positive relationships depend on some level of respect for each other.

Drummond
11-13-2014, 11:21 AM
While the OP was likely referring to male-female relationships, I also take it as it refers to relationships within this forum. While I like this forum (when G*nny is not here), there are unfortunate instances of calling one another "idiot" and the like. All positive relationships depend on some level of respect for each other.

Good points, well made.

On the instances of people calling one another 'idiot', etc ... this can easily be viewable in different terms, according to context. Contributor(s) here might well take the opportunity of calling others 'idiot' (- etc -) ... but I recognise the distinct likelihood that there's no personalised context to those remarks ... they're issued for tactical or other equivalent effect, simply as a means to an end.

[Of course, those choosing to indulge in such abuse could well be proving what idiots they are, when they do ...]

More to the point of this thread subject, though .... I suggest a possible problem is that relationships are all too often built on essentially non-existent foundations. People judge others on appearance, or ability to entertain, or at any rate, to be superficially pleasing. Only over time are deeper, more fundamental differences and incompatibilities revealed, purely and simply because one or both in the relationship have approached it on too superficial a level.

If people took the time out to value each other not for what they could give, but for what they really WERE ... I suggest that this would provide the bedrock that'd otherwise be missing. Or, failing that, an early-warning of troubles ahead and the opportunity of avoidance.

Thunderknuckles
11-13-2014, 11:36 AM
Marriages are built on love, trust and compatibility. They fail when one (or more) of these qualities disappear from the relationship.
Too many couples meet and get married before facing a serious crisis together. If your relationship has always been sweetness and light, with no mutual bumps in the road, you are not ready to be married.
Well said Gabby. This has been my experience growing up and the primary reason I waited 6 long years before marrying my wife. We had been through everything that would break a common marriage up and we still stayed together, although there was a couple of temporary break ups mixed in there :p

Perianne
11-13-2014, 11:53 AM
Good points, well made.

On the instances of people calling one another 'idiot', etc ... this can easily be viewable in different terms, according to context. Contributor(s) here might well take the opportunity of calling others 'idiot' (- etc -) ... but I recognise the distinct likelihood that there's no personalised context to those remarks ... they're issued for tactical or other equivalent effect, simply as a means to an end.

[Of course, those choosing to indulge in such abuse could well be proving what idiots they are, when they do ...]

More to the point of this thread subject, though .... I suggest a possible problem is that relationships are all too often built on essentially non-existent foundations. People judge others on appearance, or ability to entertain, or at any rate, to be superficially pleasing. Only over time are deeper, more fundamental differences and incompatibilities revealed, purely and simply because one or both in the relationship have approached it on too superficial a level.

If people took the time out to value each other not for what they could give, but for what they really WERE ... I suggest that this would provide the bedrock that'd otherwise be missing. Or, failing that, an early-warning of troubles ahead and the opportunity of avoidance.

I will have to think about that, Drummond. You make good points. I, being a Southern lady, do not believe in calling anyone names, but I can see how name-calling might be used as scoring points. Female-female disagreements are very complex and likely more complex than those disagreements between men. Unfortunately, I have difficulty understanding name-calling between men. Perhaps it amounts to little.

darin
11-13-2014, 11:58 AM
While the OP was likely referring to male-female relationships, I also take it as it refers to relationships within this forum. All positive relationships depend on some level of respect for each other.

The wisest among us apply the lessons in the OP to every relationship. What hit me strongest was the relationship I have with my kids; am I properly investing in them? Am I TOO nurturing? Am I authentic with them?

Drummond
11-13-2014, 12:00 PM
I will have to think about that, Drummond. You make good points. I, being a Southern lady, do not believe in calling anyone names, but I can see how name-calling might be used as scoring points. Female-female disagreements are very complex and likely more complex than those disagreements between men. Unfortunately, I have difficulty understanding name-calling between men. Perhaps it amounts to little.

Depends on the men concerned and circumstances involved. Some of it can just be a bit of testosterone-dumping going on. Sometimes (I suspect this is more true in American culture than over here in Britain !) it could be a male posturing game, maybe even signifying the very opposite of what it APPEARS to signify.

So I can't blame you in the slightest for having difficulty understanding name calling between men. Could just be that we're a pretty weird lot .. ? ..

Perianne
11-13-2014, 12:28 PM
The wisest among us apply the lessons in the OP to every relationship. What hit me strongest was the relationship I have with my kids; am I properly investing in them? Am I TOO nurturing? Am I authentic with them?

I think we as mothers are always reevaluating our relationships with our younguns. They, and we, are always changing and the dynamics of the relationships might need to be adjusted as needed. On the other hand, we parents are supposed to be bedrocks of reliability. I don't know.

Perianne
11-13-2014, 12:33 PM
Depends on the men concerned and circumstances involved. Some of it can just be a bit of testosterone-dumping going on. Sometimes (I suspect this is more true in American culture than over here in Britain !) it could be a male posturing game, maybe even signifying the very opposite of what it APPEARS to signify.

So I can't blame you in the slightest for having difficulty understanding name calling between men. Could just be that we're a pretty weird lot .. ? ..

I don't know that men are weird. I know women who are name callers, too. One of my favorite friends on another site types words that make me blush just reading them. Everyone is different and men are certainly different from women. While women may or may not call each other "idiot", we have our own ways of cutting each other to the bone. And we never forget what the other said.

I like you, Drummond.

tailfins
11-13-2014, 12:51 PM
While the OP was likely referring to male-female relationships, I also take it as it refers to relationships within this forum. While I like this forum (when G*nny is not here), there are unfortunate instances of calling one another "idiot" and the like. All positive relationships depend on some level of respect for each other.

I think of this more like a coffee shop. If there's a nice person at the next table, I will gladly enjoy some conversation. If there's a dirt bag I don't want to be around, I will ignore them or tell them to get lost.

darin
11-13-2014, 04:11 PM
I think we as mothers are always reevaluating our relationships with our younguns. They, and we, are always changing and the dynamics of the relationships might need to be adjusted as needed. On the other hand, we parents are supposed to be bedrocks of reliability. I don't know.

I am a father. :-)


I don't know that men are weird. I know women who are name callers, too. One of my favorite friends on another site types words that make me blush just reading them. Everyone is different and men are certainly different from women. While women may or may not call each other "idiot", we have our own ways of cutting each other to the bone. And we never forget what the other said.



Mens' problems? We (society) have succeeded in minimalizing Fathers. We lie to women "You can do it alone! You can be Dad AND Mom!". Functionally, perhaps. However that retards the development of children and perpetuates boys never REALLY becoming men, by and large.

Perianne
11-14-2014, 01:46 AM
I am a father. :-)




Mens' problems? We (society) have succeeded in minimalizing Fathers. We lie to women "You can do it alone! You can be Dad AND Mom!". Functionally, perhaps. However that retards the development of children and perpetuates boys never REALLY becoming men, by and large.

Sorry. I thought someone called you a mother-. :)

darin
11-14-2014, 06:40 AM
Sorry. I thought someone called you a mother-. :)

You are probably right within a certain context :D

Abbey
11-15-2014, 09:05 PM
Being mean in a relationship -- no man can ever hope to match a woman in that effort when she puts her mind into it.
Guys, your intelligence level can not compensate for the cleverness , deceptiveness and patience a woman can muster in that realm..
Trust me, I know this for a damn fact.. -Tyr

Lol, Tyr. You know that any creature that cannot compete with physical strength, must resort to more wily talents.

jimnyc
11-16-2014, 07:01 AM
While the OP was likely referring to male-female relationships, I also take it as it refers to relationships within this forum. While I like this forum (when G*nny is not here), there are unfortunate instances of calling one another "idiot" and the like. All positive relationships depend on some level of respect for each other.


I will have to think about that, Drummond. You make good points. I, being a Southern lady, do not believe in calling anyone names, but I can see how name-calling might be used as scoring points. Female-female disagreements are very complex and likely more complex than those disagreements between men. Unfortunately, I have difficulty understanding name-calling between men. Perhaps it amounts to little.

Oh no, I'm in deep doo doo!

I'm the guiltiest of all in the name calling department. But NOT so towards most but friends. I think I've called almost every single member here a bastard at one time or another. For example, DMP would say something to me about how great the Pittsburgh Steelers are - and I would reply sarcastically - "That's right you dirty bastard, now you're finally getting it!". But I would mainly and only do so with the best of friends.

You should hear me and my brothers do so. Yikes, if you met us, for the first half an hour you would think we were mortal enemies! But we love one another. It's all respectful. In fact, when the tone goes to perfect speaking and the tone lower and the bad words missing, one of us is usually angry.

You'll see the difference though. You can tell it's all in good fun. If I ever seriously offend people I stop. A few people I had to double check with and would retreat if it bothered them. And some, mostly the wonderful ladies, I don't even do so with them. I know it's probably bad enough doing it in front of those ladies, but again, all in good fun! Kinda like being at the bar - I would have fun and use play names with my buddies next to me on the right while buying him a beer - but when I turn to the left to get a lovely woman a cosmo, the tone and language changes. Does that make any sense? And I sure hope I never offended you!!

Men can play fight. Women are a 'little' different...

http://i.imgur.com/AolH09o.jpg