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darin
10-09-2015, 08:56 AM
Listening to Ronnie Dunn's "Your Kinda Love". I thought about what the lyrics tell me. I created this paragraph detailing what it will be like the first night I spend with my Soulmate; wherever she is. I welcome critiques; this is raw but it's where my mind is right now.

I am lying in bed when bursts of energy destroy my slumber. My sensations are heightened - otherworldly - as I hear but not with my ears because my skin is tuned to the vibrations of the wind against the window, the stillness of the house and soft breathing beside me. I can sense every joint between my bones; the blood coursing through my veins as my heart mechanically works to sustain my life. I can feel the ends of the hairs of my head. I can feel my fingernails. I can feel every inch of me touching every inch of the soft sheets beneath my body and wrapped around my core. This moment, frozen-forever in the place between reality and dreams, brings a guilty smile to my lips. My body turns and my hands find your form. Wrapping my arms around your torso I push closer as if to combine us - the thought of joining us together makes me chuckle a little bit. You and I spent the last few hours coupling our bodies; uniting in every imaginable form and I am complete and I am happy but happier and more-complete as your hips nuzzle back into my embrace. The love we created washes over and through us by osmosis or by magic. I sense your peace. I sense your happiness. I know a few things are true but no truth matches in completeness the union of our souls. This barely-awake intimacy we now share drives my world and choreographs the motion of the stars in my universe. I love this shit.

Tyr-Ziu Saxnot
10-09-2015, 09:16 AM
Listening to Ronnie Dunn's "Your Kinda Love". I thought about what the lyrics tell me. I created this paragraph detailing what it will be like the first night I spend with my Soulmate; wherever she is. I welcome critiques; this is raw but it's where my mind is right now.

I am lying in bed when bursts of energy destroy my slumber. My sensations are heightened - otherworldly - as I hear but not with my ears because my skin is tuned to the vibrations of the wind against the window, the stillness of the house and soft breathing beside me. I can sense every joint between my bones; the blood coursing through my veins as my heart mechanically works to sustain my life. I can feel the ends of the hairs of my head. I can feel my fingernails. I can feel every inch of me touching every inch of the soft sheets beneath my body and wrapped around my core. This moment, frozen-forever in the place between reality and dreams, brings a guilty smile to my lips. My body turns and my hands find your form. Wrapping my arms around your torso I push closer as if to combine us - the thought of joining us together makes me chuckle a little bit. You and I spent the last few hours coupling our bodies; uniting in every imaginable form and I am complete and I am happy but happier and more-complete as your hips nuzzle back into my embrace. The love we created washes over and through us by osmosis or by magic. I sense your peace. I sense your happiness. I know a few things are true but no truth matches in completeness the union of our souls. This barely-awake intimacy we now share drives my world and choreographs the motion of the stars in my universe. I love this shit.
Pretty damn good, could not find anything bad to critique. :beer:

Several classic poems that convey that vision/hope/desire in rhyme are masterpieces in literature.--Tyr

darin
10-09-2015, 09:26 AM
Thank you. I prefer to avoid rhyme. Unsure why. Did you find anything good that strikes you?

Tyr-Ziu Saxnot
10-09-2015, 09:41 AM
Thank you. I prefer to avoid rhyme. Unsure why. Did you find anything good that strikes you?

Yep. The flow, the detailed descriptive language use, the preference for softer sensual images and just enough space left for the reader to write in their own images/desires/visions and/or fantasies as the story is read.
That is not an easy task to accomplish. Its far easier to do in poetry than it is in the highly visual prose form you used here.
So my comment that I could not find any thing bad to critique was a shorter version of my more detailed description given just now.
And you have no reason to use rhyme unless you were engaged in presenting this piece as poetry.
I have written this in poetry and its an easier task that way simply because the reader already sets their mind into a deeper visual and emotional level when reading poetry. So the writer/poet can play upon that preset condition and foundational understanding...
Tis' why some of us write poetry, we like that preset connectivity and plus- as in my case-- we like to write in a lazy way. - :laugh:-Tyr

Tyr-Ziu Saxnot
10-09-2015, 09:46 AM
You really should write that book IMHO.
OR AT LEAST A SHORT STORY TO PRESENT HERE FOR FEEDBACK AND TO TEST THE WATERS SO TO SPEAK IMHO.

I have started a long process of selecting certain poems from my 1100+ collection to organize and perhaps in the coming years present as a book. -Tyr

darin
10-09-2015, 09:54 AM
Thank you so-very-much. Means a lot to me.