Christian jokes

[Hagbard Celine]

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

[Hagbard Celine]

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

[Hagbard Celine]

How many fundamentalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. God made lighbulbs. Every photon is infallible. Changing them would be a sin. And they only burn out because of your sinful nature.

[Hagbard Celine]

What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to fuck off.

[Hagbard Celine]

When Jesus was hanging on the cross he looked out into the crowd and saw St. Peter. He called out, "Peter. Peter. Come here." St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. Come here." So St. Peter tried again to reach the cross. This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. Picking himself up, St. Peter heard Jesus calling to him again, so he dashed between two Roman soldiers and went right up to the foot of the cross, saying "Yes, Lord. . . ." And Jesus said, "Peter . . . I can see your house from here."

[Hagbard Celine]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

[Hagbard Celine]

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.
Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

[Hagbard Celine]

What do you give a pedophile who has everything?
A bigger parish.

[Monkeybone]

hahahahaha i have heard these before.

the first one is probably the most true with all the walks of life.

note, i posted this when the first two were up

[Hagbard Celine]

What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

[Hagbard Celine]

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

[Hagbard Celine]

Q: How does Jesus masturbate?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

[glockmail]

Tell these in front of a crowd of Christains and they'll turn around in disgust. Yeah, a few might give you the finger, or even punch you.

But tell some Muslim jokes in front of a crowd of Muslims.....

[Hagbard Celine]

Tell these in front of a crowd of Christains and they'll turn around in disgust. Yeah, a few might five you the finger, or even punch you.

But tell some Muslim jokes in front of a crowd of Muslims.....

Yes, thanks. We've established that Muslims are more extreme that Christians. Very observant of you.

[glockmail]

Yes, thanks. We've established that Muslims are more extreme that Christians. Very observant of you.

What would happen if you told some atheist liberal jokes to a crowd of atheist liberals?