Where Is the Line Drawn with Cheating?

[chloe]

Worked with a guy yrs ago and we flew together a lot. He was married but screwed around on every trip. I asked him one day in sort of a sarcastic way.."you're married, right?" His response was... "Only Geographically". Sad but true, for him anyway.

reality that guy is a jerk, but I gotta admit it made me laugh

[chloe]

Like I said, most of the time my wife is right next to me. AND she absolutely has access to any of my accounts anywhere. We have complete solid trust both ways. Of course there are limits that neither person would ever think about crossing, but we don't even get near them. IMHO a little harmless filrting online , as long as it remains harmless, is healthy as it keeps a partner from wondering. Now I'm quite sure if I ever called my wife Chloe in the heat of the moment, she'd kill me, but my wife knows that it isn't like that. And yes, my wife is in fact ogled by men, and rather enjoys the attention but only if it's innocent attention, and no i'm not jealous of that.

Your wife would probably laugh, since shes a young fit 26 yr old babe with brains.......chloe(that mid 40's chubster)....whatever hahhaha, thats what she would say ....but thanks for throwing me a bone ....thats why i write the fan club news letter WINK

[Shadow]

Like I said, most of the time my wife is right next to me. AND she absolutely has access to any of my accounts anywhere. We have complete solid trust both ways. Of course there are limits that neither person would ever think about crossing, but we don't even get near them. IMHO a little harmless filrting online , as long as it remains harmless, is healthy as it keeps a partner from wondering. Now I'm quite sure if I ever called my wife Chloe in the heat of the moment, she'd kill me, but my wife knows that it isn't like that. And yes, my wife is in fact ogled by men, and rather enjoys the attention but only if it's innocent attention, and no i'm not jealous of that.

I'm thinking you originally took my comments personally,when they were more of a statement of observations of people online in general. I don't really have a problem with "flirting". I was just wondering what kind of "flirting" folks felt crossed the line (if any). And why people felt they needed this kind of validation? What is gained by it etc?

In the original article the writer made the following comment that "the very nature of building a relationship through conversation adds a spiritual/mental component to the relationship that goes beyond a physical attraction". And felt for this reason it crossed the line into a form of cheating.... Just wondered if others agreed with that?

[Shadow]

Worked with a guy yrs ago and we flew together a lot. He was married but screwed around on every trip. I asked him one day in sort of a sarcastic way.."you're married, right?" His response was... "Only Geographically". Sad but true, for him anyway.

Makes you wonder why he even bothered? Why be married if you would rather live like a single person...seems kind of inconveinent...well maybe not for him anyway...since he was never home....wonder if his wife knew what a jerk she married though?

[ConHog]

I'm thinking you originally took my comments personally,when they were more of a statement of observations of people online in general. I don't really have a problem with "flirting". I was just wondering what kind of "flirting" folks felt crossed the line (if any). And why people felt they needed this kind of validation? What is gained by it etc?

In the original article the writer made the following comment that "the very nature of building a relationship through conversation adds a spiritual/mental component to the relationship that goes beyond a physical attraction". And felt for this reason it crossed the line into a form of cheating.... Just wondered if others agreed with that?

Oh, I didn't think you were directing your comments at me, I was just answering from My perspective.

[Kathianne]

Seems to me that anything you do in front of spouse or significant other should be ok. Whenever there are 'secrets' not ok. If talking with an ex, in a coffee shop or online, in a manner that you wouldn't do if your significant other was there, well then you don't consider them significant and are cheating. They'd throw you over for that.

[darin]

cheating happens the moment one spouse denies something they vowed to do.

When a woman stops loving, honoring their husband, they are in fact cheating them out of something they promised to do. Seems the ONLY vow folks like to associate with 'cheating' is the 'forsake all others'. In my view, a man who, after years of physical and emotional neglect from his 'empowered' wife finds a mistress, he hasn't cheated on her. He's found sanity.

[Kathianne]

cheating happens the moment one spouse denies something they vowed to do.

When a woman stops loving, honoring their husband, they are in fact cheating them out of something they promised to do. Seems the ONLY vow folks like to associate with 'cheating' is the 'forsake all others'. In my view, a man who, after years of physical and emotional neglect from his 'empowered' wife finds a mistress, he hasn't cheated on her. He's found sanity.

In some circles that is called 'rationalization.' You're not wrong, you are justified and sane. It's your spouse that is wrong and nuts.

[darin]

In some circles that is called 'rationalization.' You're not wrong, you are justified and sane. It's your spouse that is wrong and nuts.

People MUST be the victim. The spouse who did everything wrong BUT have sex with another person is ALWAYS justified by society. They are always the 'poor victim' in cheating.

[Kathianne]

People MUST be the victim. The spouse who did everything wrong BUT have sex with another person is ALWAYS justified by society. They are always the 'poor victim' in cheating.

Then their abused spouse should file for divorce, not go cheating.

[chloe]

People MUST be the victim. The spouse who did everything wrong BUT have sex with another person is ALWAYS justified by society. They are always the 'poor victim' in cheating.

There is still another victim which is what I think Shadow was trying to point out. The woman aka mistress who falls in love with a married man, when he is through with her he goes back to the "neglectful" wife, but the mistress whom he used for his ego stroking or to prove he is still attractive to other women she has nobody to care for her she is left high n dry by him used up when he is done.

In an instance where the mistress doesn't even know he is married she ends up devastated, and that is wrong of him to put her in that position, he should leave his marriage if he is so unhappy, he really shouldn't involve another womans feelings toward him when he knows he is not going to feel the same way back.

Why use other people when they didnt take any vows why risk hurting another person? Why not just confront and work on the person who took vows with you or get out?

My ex husband had several affairs, I remember one of the women calling me and she had fallen madly in love with him, when I confronted him about it he said she was crazy etc etc etc. Much later after he left me and our children he ended up living with that same women for 10 months, so I guess she wasnt crazy afterall. But how is it ok to treat any humans feelings as non sense to protect yourself in salvaging a marriage that was already in trouble?

[darin]

Then their abused spouse should file for divorce, not go cheating.

You mean their neglected spouse shouldn't also "cheat" on the spouse who may have been cheating them out of the love and affection and stuff in their vows?

Vowing to Love and not doing it = cheating.
Vowing to honor and not doing it = cheating.
Vowing to forsake all others, and not doing it = cheating.
Vowing to 'be there for life, emotionally' and not doing it = cheating.
Withholding love, affection, sex, as a revenge tactic, or manipulation = cheating.
etc.

[chloe]

You mean their neglected spouse shouldn't also "cheat" on the spouse who may have been cheating them out of the love and affection and stuff in their vows?

Vowing to Love and not doing it = cheating.
Vowing to honor and not doing it = cheating.
Vowing to forsake all others, and not doing it = cheating.
Vowing to 'be there for life, emotionally' and not doing it = cheating.
Withholding love, affection, sex, as a revenge tactic, or manipulation = cheating.
etc.

Thats correct they shouldn't. Two wrongs don't make it right. Any way you define cheating is wrong if you are breaking promises to each other and if you can't resolve it get out.

[revelarts]

Cheating's definition is getting broader and broader.

I get Dmp's point but it's not adultery in the strict sense. IMO having sex with someone else other than your spouse is "Cheating".
And sex is the manipulation of genitals for a pleasurable response. (rules out doc etc).
Until that happens it's flirting, petting or sensual/emotion bad behavior but it's not "adultery" or "Cheating".
emotional abandonment is emotional abandonment, it wrong as well but not "cheating".
The question is do 2 wrongs make a right (insert country music or blues song here). The answer is no. while emotionally people can rip each other to pieces in various ways it's not a justification for adultery/cheating. A separation may be in order, to distance yourself from the abuser/neglector but that's really as far as someone is JUSTIFIED in going.


But here's my question for the ladies.
Women are justifiable Appalled at men's adultery. and when it's been portrayed in films where the bad old no good man cheating with the hot secretary gets his come upances. Women talk about it around the water cooler "yeah that cheating so and so got whats coming to him! yeah". But in films where the woman is the adulterer USUALLY its portrayed as a LOVE STORY, where the poor emotional dry marriage is cast aside for TRUE LOOOOVE or Fiery PASSION. the talk around the water cooler is different, women are all breathless and swoony sighing and stuff.
What's wrong with this picture, why the double standard?
And isn't it similar to what DMP is describing?

[chloe]

Cheating's definition is getting broader and broader.

I get Dmp's point but it's not adultery in the strict sense. IMO having sex with someone else other than your spouse is "Cheating".
And sex is the manipulation of genitals for a pleasurable response. (rules out doc etc).
Until that happens it's flirting, petting or sensual/emotion bad behavior but it's not "adultery" or "Cheating".
emotional abandonment is emotional abandonment, it wrong as well but not "cheating".
The question is do 2 wrongs make a right (insert country music or blues song here). The answer is no. while emotionally people can rip each other to pieces in various ways it's not a justification for adultery/cheating. A separation may be in order, to distance yourself from the abuser/neglector but that's really as far as someone is JUSTIFIED in going.


But here's my question for the ladies.
Women are justifiable Appaled at men's adulterty. and when it's been protrayed in films where the bad old no good man cheating with the hot secretary gets his come upances and women talk about it around the water cooler "yeah that cheating so and so got whats coming to him! yeah". But in films where the woman is the adulterer USUALLY its protrayed as a LOVE STORY, where the poor emtional dry marriage is cast aside for TRUE LOOOOVE or Fiery PASSION. the talk around the water cooler is different women are all breathless and swoony sighing and stuff.
What's wrong with this picture, why the double standard.
And isn't it similar to what DMP is describing?

I don't advocate a woman whoring around behind her husbands back and I don't advocate a man whoring around behind his wifes back. I also think that we need to be more accountable for how we impact each other mentally emotionally and spiritually not Just physically. It is reckless for a man or a woman to look outside a marriage for emotional intimacy or physical gratification it places them as predatory toward a 3rd party and de sensitizes the whole concept of what intimacy is about. People need to work on themselves if the marriage sucks and resolve a way to be ok in the marriage and there partners or admit the differences can't be reconciled and just get out of the marriage.

Don't bring a bystander in who potentially may invest feelings that you wont reciprocate later on when you go back to that ungrateful neglectful no good spouse whom you ended up also betraying yourself.


We should be more thoughtful of each other.