For the Sake of the Children?

[ConHog]

I disagree. I liked and still like my stepfather WAY more than I ever will my biological father. I was 6 when my parents divorced and I didn't have any trouble understanding the situation. And I was glad the MFer was gone.

Your premise that "this new guy replace dad" is wrong from the get go, and I can see why you would think that wouldn't work. On the other hand, if the children got no attention or only bad attention and broken promises from dad and they got attention, time and promises kept by "the new guy", things can only go up for the children.

I completely concede that there are situations like yours where new "dad" is better than "old" dad.

My own son's situation was similar, he was 12 when I married my current wife. He didn't even know his mom though, and we never badmouthed her because she wasn't even in the picture. He accepted new "mom" just fine. Who knows how it would have played out if mom would have been around though.

So I concede that every situation is different, I was just talking about the norm which seems to be new guy comes in and he and mom both try to get kids to accept him as dad even though the real dad is still in the picture and wants to be a good dad.

[DragonStryk72]

I'm currently engaged in a real-life (yes, I found out it does exist) debate/discussion/argument about whether the health and/or well-being of minor children is affected by an adult of the opposite gender moving in with one of their biological parents.

Will it do so much damage to their little minds that they cannot function appropriately in their adult life? Are the moral and psychological repercussions too great to imagine? Is their parent being selfish and trading their own present happiness for their kids' long-term happiness?

The adults in question are not financially dependent on each other, agree on child-rearing, core religious values/issues, basic politics and most everything else, neither is wanted by the police or has ever been on COPS, Cheaters, Montel, Maury Povich or the Jerry Springer Show.


What are your thoughts/ideas/opinions and how did you come by them? Just your religious/moral beliefs? Do you have personal experience?

We used to have a guy, Tyrone Eddie, who lived at our house for several years when he first joined my dad's AA group. We never had any issue with it, and it was pretty cool having a dj live at the house. All in all, people put too much pressure on kids, and make them out to be the most fragile things in the world, and really, they're not. they can adapt to almost they're in, because that's what childhood is all about, learning how their world works. If you believe children to be weak, then you are going to make them weak, whether you want to or not.

[J.T]

Blended families are one of the worst situations a kid has to deal with.

That you cannot even imagine someone being able to love their spouse's children as their own says a lot about of- and none of it good

[Poke]

I'm currently engaged in a real-life (yes, I found out it does exist) debate/discussion/argument about whether the health and/or well-being of minor children is affected by an adult of the opposite gender moving in with one of their biological parents.

Of course it is affected. I am guessing that you know that already and that is the reason for your post.

Will it do so much damage to their little minds that they cannot function appropriately in their adult life? Are the moral and psychological repercussions too great to imagine? Is their parent being selfish and trading their own present happiness for their kids' long-term happiness?

"So much damage" and some damage are entirely different things. A selfish parent is damaging regardless of the situation you present.

The adults in question are not financially dependent on each other, agree on child-rearing, core religious values/issues, basic politics and most everything else, neither is wanted by the police or has ever been on COPS, Cheaters, Montel, Maury Povich or the Jerry Springer Show.

But at least one is concerned about the situation and potential decision. Perhaps those questions in your mind deserve answers before you move forward.

What are your thoughts/ideas/opinions and how did you come by them? Just your religious/moral beliefs? Do you have personal experience?

I have experience as a parent, married and single. I have experience in morals. My religion is questionable.
Best of luck to you, Jess.

[Jess]

Of course it is affected. I am guessing that you know that already and that is the reason for your post.


"So much damage" and some damage are entirely different things. A selfish parent is damaging regardless of the situation you present.


But at least one is concerned about the situation and potential decision. Perhaps those questions in your mind deserve answers before you move forward.



I have experience as a parent, married and single. I have experience in morals. My religion is questionable.
Best of luck to you, Jess.

I've got my opinion/belief figured out already. It was a discussion in progress and I thought it might return some interesting other opinions.

Thanks for your answer, Poke.

[Poke]

I've got my opinion/belief figured out already.

I think you asked the question because you were unsure about your decision.
People that are confident with their decision don't ask for the opinion of random internet associations.

It was a discussion in progress and I thought it might return some interesting other opinions.

It was a discussion posted on this board by you. I am unaware of the "in progress" part.

IThanks for your answer, Poke.

You are most welcome.

[Jess]

I think you asked the question because you were unsure about your decision.
People that are confident with their decision don't ask for the opinion of random internet associations.

Quite to the contrary. I often ask the opinions/perceptions/experiences of others out of curiosity. It is intriguing to see how or what others think about a given subject.

It was a discussion posted on this board by you. I am unaware of the "in progress" part.

I would not expect you to be aware of the "in progress" part outside of this internet post because I don't know you IRL.

[Poke]

Quite to the contrary. I often ask the opinions/perceptions/experiences of others out of curiosity. It is intriguing to see how or what others think about a given subject.




I would not expect you to be aware of the "in progress" part outside of this internet post because I don't know you IRL.

Ok
and
Ok

[chloe]

I've been married and divorced two times. The first marriage I never had children. I didn't really want to divorce the second time because we did have kids and I just loved being married and I wanted to try and fix the marriage, but he didn't want to, he had a girlfriend already and he was a divorce attorney so we divorced.

years later his law practice was failing and he had no girlfriends to help him out with a place to stay and I let him live in my basement for a year rent free until he could get himself together mentally.

Anyway our daughters said thank god you and dad divorced it would have been awful for us if you two had stayed married. We are friends now but we are better as friends then a romantic couple.

[Gunny]

I've been married and divorced two times. The first marriage I never had children. I didn't really want to divorce the second time because we did have kids and I just loved being married and I wanted to try and fix the marriage, but he didn't want to, he had a girlfriend already and he was a divorce attorney so we divorced.

years later his law practice was failing and he had no girlfriends to help him out with a place to stay and I let him live in my basement for a year rent free until he could get himself together mentally.

Anyway our daughters said thank god you and dad divorced it would have been awful for us if you two had stayed married. We are friends now but we are better as friends then a romantic couple.

A valid point. My parents were divorced, then remarried "for the sake of the children." What a nightmare. They eventually ended up divorced again and there are STILL hard feelings all the way around.

I don't believe there is a pat answer to the question. Each answer would be unique based on circumstance. While personal morals DO play a part, we all have different values.

What I always find interesting are the overly-moral types who look aghast when you say "living together without being married". I always thought marriage was in the eyes of the Lord. Yet people will used Christianity as their reasoning for being against people who have not been legally contractually bound together by the state living together. For all their religious and moral zeal, they cannot seem to separate God from Man's laws. I must've missed the Sunday School class where it says one must be married by Man's law to be married in the eyes of the Lord.

[Noir]

Can't possibly awe what the problem could be. Aslong as the new person moving in is readY to commit to being a quasi-parent.

[Gunny]

Can't possibly awe what the problem could be. Aslong as the new person moving in is readY to commit to being a quasi-parent.

It comes down to differences in opinion. By itself, no big deal. Agree to disagree and move on.

When the person disagreeing ACTIVELY attempts to bring about the failure of the other party by various means, it becomes an entirely different matter. Especially when that person cannot actually support his stance with a valid, logical argument.

Then, WHO is actually hurting the children? The person who has accepted the children as part of the package? Or the person using the children as an excuse in attempting to control the parent?

[Noir]

It comes down to differences in opinion. By itself, no big deal. Agree to disagree and move on.

When the person disagreeing ACTIVELY attempts to bring about the failure of the other party by various means, it becomes an entirely different matter. Especially when that person cannot actually support his stance with a valid, logical argument.

Then, WHO is actually hurting the children? The person who has accepted the children as part of the package? Or the person using the children as an excuse in attempting to control the parent?

Im sorry, but I've no idea what you're talking about lol.

[Gunny]

Im sorry, but I've no idea what you're talking about lol.

I gathered that with your first post as a member here.

[Noir]

I gathered that with your first post as a member here.

Okay this makes even less sense 0,o