Working with Anger

[Wind Song]

Most of us either suppress anger or blast others with it. We've been educated to use the language of violence, not compassion, when we're angry. It is dangerous to think of anger as something to suppress or as something bad. Anger is one way to get at the cause of anger, which is our own unmet needs.

The first step is to recognize that the cause of anger is not what stimulated or triggered it. Anger is the response to the trigger. The cause of anger is the part of of that responds to the trigger, not the trigger itself.

Example: My dog likes to sniff around when we take a walk and prefers to poop anywhere but our property. Luckily, we live in the country, most properties are three to five acres in size. Most of us walk our dogs and accept that the dogs will poop on the perimeter of our large properties, usually not on anyone's actual lawn. A man I've never seen before jumps out of the bushes of my neighbor's property and starts to scream: "Are you going to let your dog crap there." This strange man is already angry, my dog and I haven't CAUSED his anger, but we have inadvertently triggered something in him that is now angry. Some need of his hasn't been met. He is blaming the anger he feels on my dog and me.

Now, let's shift to my response. I'm scared. This guy is very mad and I've never seen him before, and I've lived across the road from this property for five years and know the owner of the property, who also walks her dog and has never complained. I'm now scared and angry, and I respond, "who are YOU and how is it any of your business?"

I put the above illustration in because I'm interested in learning new ways to respond when I'm angry.

[Wind Song]

Anger is like a red warning light on the dashboard. The goal is not just to turn off the light.

[cadet]

Anger is like a red warning light on the dashboard. The goal is not just to turn off the light.

I've noticed that my entire family has some sort of anger problem. I may be a young pup, but hear me out.

When i was younger i choked my little brother, i noticed i had a problem (i was probably about 7 or 8.) so i decided to repress it. Once you start to repress one emotion, the rest follow. i took up wrestling, that helped me keep from blowing up.
During my sophomore year in high school i finally blew up to my "friends" for making fun of me. i cussed every single one of them out. screamed and called them every name in the book.
Was this the right thing to do? probably not, but it felt great.
after this little episode, i said screw you to them, and haven't talked to theme since.

Since then, I've learned the best way to control your anger is to let it out when it happens. that way it doesn't come out in a huge rush of anger. and it comes out in little bursts. You are human, you will get angry, and it's best to stomp out the problem before it get's too big.

Now i'm not saying you have to scream and yell every time someone does something you don't like, but just say "Hey, stop it."

as far as i know, there's two types of anger, protective, and misplaced.

misplaced is getting mad at someone for something stupid, letting small things get under your skin.

protective anger is a bit nicer in my opinion, standing up for people, getting pissed when people are hurt. or standing up for yourself.

My opinion, scream your head off at him. he's not almighty and allpowerful. and your not a doormat. stand up for yourself!

[Wind Song]

I've noticed that my entire family has some sort of anger problem. I may be a young pup, but hear me out.

When i was younger i choked my little brother, i noticed i had a problem (i was probably about 7 or 8.) so i decided to repress it. Once you start to repress one emotion, the rest follow. i took up wrestling, that helped me keep from blowing up.
During my sophomore year in high school i finally blew up to my "friends" for making fun of me. i cussed every single one of them out. screamed and called them every name in the book.
Was this the right thing to do? probably not, but it felt great.
after this little episode, i said screw you to them, and haven't talked to theme since.

Since then, I've learned the best way to control your anger is to let it out when it happens. that way it doesn't come out in a huge rush of anger. and it comes out in little bursts. You are human, you will get angry, and it's best to stomp out the problem before it get's too big.

Now i'm not saying you have to scream and yell every time someone does something you don't like, but just say "Hey, stop it."

as far as i know, there's two types of anger, protective, and misplaced.

misplaced is getting mad at someone for something stupid, letting small things get under your skin.

protective anger is a bit nicer in my opinion, standing up for people, getting pissed when people are hurt. or standing up for yourself.

My opinion, scream your head off at him. he's not almighty and allpowerful. and your not a doormat. stand up for yourself!

As it turned out, I did scream my head off at him. He screamed back, using a lot of hate speech. I called him an "ugly man". He hit me. I called the police, and they did nothing. That cop is not one of my favorites.

[darin]

As it turned out, I did scream my head off at him. He screamed back, using a lot of hate speech. I called him an "ugly man". He hit me. I called the police, and they did nothing.

I hope you're not trying to make folks believe that.

[Wind Song]

I hope you're not trying to make folks believe that.

You can choose to believe it or not, but it is the truth of what happened. Our local police didn't even write up an incident report even though he spent almost two hours with us.

[tailfins]

As it turned out, I did scream my head off at him. He screamed back, using a lot of hate speech. I called him an "ugly man". He hit me. I called the police, and they did nothing. That cop is not one of my favorites.

If you called me an "ugly man", I would bust out laughing. I would then inform you that in spite of being an ugly man, you still don't meet my low standards. "Ugly man"? That sounds like something Steve Urkel would say.

I had a similar incident to yours on a road trip except he called me a Gringo before hitting me, the cop asked me if I had any plans to return to the state anytime soon. He said if I couldn't travel thousands of miles to testify, he couldn't file a charge. At least I had the satisfaction of seeing him banned from the business where it took place.

When I saw the title of your post, it sounded like dealing with a short-tempered co-worker.

[Wind Song]

If you called me an "ugly man", I would bust out laughing. I would then inform you that in spite of being an ugly man, you still don't meet my low standards. "Ugly man"? That sounds like something Steve Urkel would say.

When I saw the title of your post, it sounded like dealing with a short-tempered co-worker.

I called him an ugly man because of the way he was acting. What I needed to do in the situation was find out what it was I needed and he needed. Calling him ugly didn't help anything.

[gabosaurus]

When I hear about anger management, I usually think of my cousin. She had a huge temper in high school. In 11th grade, she found a girl who had been bad mouthing her and beat her up. Where the girls boyfriend called her out, she beat him up as well.
Strangely enough, it was the guy's parents who filed a police report. (I can imagine -- "a girl beat my son up. I'd like to file charges.")
The judge put her on probation and ordered her to take an anger management court. She has always said that it was the best thing that has ever happened to her.

I never had a problem with anger. My dad always told me that the best way to defuse anger is with indifference. It's all water off a duck's back.
Sarcasm helps as well.

[darin]

The man wasn't asking "Are you going to let your dog poop there" - he was probably saying "I don't like animals pooping in my yard! Acknowledge me! Respect me!"

Classic transference:

He was building his case to justify him being out of control.

“Are YOU” – right there the man is doing two things: Blaming YOU for his loss of control firstly. After all, he’s REASONABLE. Calm! Rational. But YOU…YOU are the one with the problem (by letting your dog poop). Secondly, the man is GIVING CONTROL of his emotions to YOU. He doesn’t realize that, however. He’d probably deny it.

The man is demanding respect. Perhaps there are elements in the man’s life shaping him to become, or that have helped him become, a respect-needy person. Perhaps his parents placed importance upon ‘Rules’ and ‘Fair’ and ‘Property’? Could be he grew up with siblings and was often chastised for using the property of another? “No, AngryBilly, keep your hands on YOUR side of the car!” or “AngryBilly, that is your BROTHER’S glass, do not use it!”

Anywho – my point is, our emotions or attitudes are ALWAYS a choice; much like our actions. That’s why Homosexuality MUST be a choice. Its why bank-robbing is a choice. It’s why ANY willful action upon stimulus is ultimately, a choice.

[Wind Song]

The man wasn't asking "Are you going to let your dog poop there" - he was probably saying "I don't like animals pooping in my yard! Acknowledge me! Respect me!"

Classic transference:

He was building his case to justify him being out of control.

“Are YOU” – right there the man is doing two things: Blaming YOU for his loss of control firstly. After all, he’s REASONABLE. Calm! Rational. But YOU…YOU are the one with the problem (by letting your dog poop). Secondly, the man is GIVING CONTROL of his emotions to YOU. He doesn’t realize that, however. He’d probably deny it.

The man is demanding respect. Perhaps there are elements in the man’s life shaping him to become, or that have helped him become, a respect-needy person. Perhaps his parents placed importance upon ‘Rules’ and ‘Fair’ and ‘Property’? Could be he grew up with siblings and was often chastised for using the property of another? “No, AngryBilly, keep your hands on YOUR side of the car!” or “AngryBilly, that is your BROTHER’S glass, do not use it!”

Anywho – my point is, our emotions or attitudes are ALWAYS a choice; much like our actions. That’s why Homosexuality MUST be a choice. Its why bank-robbing is a choice. It’s why ANY willful action upon stimulus is ultimately, a choice.

I was following you up until your last paragraph. Anger isn't really a choice, (choice is usually, express it or suppress it), but how it's used is a choice. If the arising of anger is a signal to unmet needs, it changes the whole paradigm. Anger can be a skillful means.

Homosexuality and bank robbing have nothing to do with it.

[darin]

I was following you up until your last paragraph. Anger isn't really a choice, (choice is usually, express it or suppress it), but how it's used is a choice. If the arising of anger is a signal to unmet needs, it changes the whole paradigm. Anger can be a skillful means.

Homosexuality and bank robbing have nothing to do with it.

Of course its a choice. To BE angry one decides to allow an angry response. ANY response to ANY urge is self-controlled or not.

Homosexuality is a response to a feeling one might enjoy that behaviour. Bank robbing is a response to a feeling one might enjoy money.

Anger is a choice. Happiness is a choice.

[Wind Song]

Of course its a choice. To BE angry one decides to allow an angry response. ANY response to ANY urge is self-controlled or not.

Homosexuality is a response to a feeling one might enjoy that behaviour. Bank robbing is a response to a feeling one might enjoy money.

Anger is a choice. Happiness is a choice.

Anger isn't a choice. Being with anger is a choice. Learning to use anger to find out what needs aren't being met is a choice. Anger is just a feeling. You can choose to feel it, or suppress it or learn to use it in skillful ways.

What you can't do is choose not to have it. Chances are good if anger is used to find unmet needs that anger will be fleeting.

[Wind Song]

Dragon--

What you did wouldn't work for me. You matched violence with violence. I'm looking for alternatives to violence.

sky

[DragonStryk72]

Dragon--

What you did wouldn't work for me. You matched violence with violence. I'm looking for alternatives to violence.

sky

Um, the guy wasn't violent in your scenario. Getting angry, as I said if you hadn't skipped the point, isn't the problem, and the root of his anger is not your problem. This isn't a shrink's office, you are not his counselor, or even his bartender. The worst mistake anyone makes in dealing with angry people is trying to calm them, because 9 out of 10 says he's going to realize what you're doing, and get angrier. That's why the first bit of training in Customer Service is pretty much to never tell someone to "Calm Down". It never works.

With Marc, I only stayed angry at him, and only as long as his irrational anger persisted. After that it was done. I took a walk, hit the 7-11, and bought my girlfriend a 5 lb. bag of black jelly bellies to make her feel better. Marc, once I calm enough, received an email stating the requirements for him to return to the table.