Working with Anger

[Wind Song]

Um, the guy wasn't violent in your scenario. Getting angry, as I said if you hadn't skipped the point, isn't the problem, and the root of his anger is not your problem. This isn't a shrink's office, you are not his counselor, or even his bartender. The worst mistake anyone makes in dealing with angry people is trying to calm them, because 9 out of 10 says he's going to realize what you're doing, and get angrier. That's why the first bit of training in Customer Service is pretty much to never tell someone to "Calm Down". It never works.

With Marc, I only stayed angry at him, and only as long as his irrational anger persisted. After that it was done. I took a walk, hit the 7-11, and bought my girlfriend a 5 lb. bag of black jelly bellies to make her feel better. Marc, once I calm enough, received an email stating the requirements for him to return to the table.

What wouldn't work for me is what you did, which was take a man's arm and put it behind him while threatening him.

[DragonStryk72]

Most of us either suppress anger or blast others with it. We've been educated to use the language of violence, not compassion, when we're angry. It is dangerous to think of anger as something to suppress or as something bad. Anger is one way to get at the cause of anger, which is our own unmet needs.

The first step is to recognize that the cause of anger is not what stimulated or triggered it. Anger is the response to the trigger. The cause of anger is the part of of that responds to the trigger, not the trigger itself.

Example: My dog likes to sniff around when we take a walk and prefers to poop anywhere but our property. Luckily, we live in the country, most properties are three to five acres in size. Most of us walk our dogs and accept that the dogs will poop on the perimeter of our large properties, usually not on anyone's actual lawn. A man I've never seen before jumps out of the bushes of my neighbor's property and starts to scream: "Are you going to let your dog crap there." This strange man is already angry, my dog and I haven't CAUSED his anger, but we have inadvertently triggered something in him that is now angry. Some need of his hasn't been met. He is blaming the anger he feels on my dog and me.

Now, let's shift to my response. I'm scared. This guy is very mad and I've never seen him before, and I've lived across the road from this property for five years and know the owner of the property, who also walks her dog and has never complained. I'm now scared and angry, and I respond, "who are YOU and how is it any of your business?"

I put the above illustration in because I'm interested in learning new ways to respond when I'm angry.

WELL FUCK YOU!!!!!..... okay, I'll stop being a smartass now.

I actually have this problem with one of the players in my D&D group. Most of the time, Marc is a ton of fun to hand with and game with, but when he loses his temper, it's thermal, and he isn't hard to provoke. He has series anger management issues, and me and him actually came to laying hands at one point, when he was screaming at me, and my girlfriend tried to step between us. Well, Marc grabbed her and shoves her out of the way.... and that's when I got my Irish up. A moment later, Marc's bent over the table, and I've got him in an arm lock behind his back and informing him that if he ever lays hands on someone, I'll break his fucking arm.

In this case, we had two different forms of anger: Marc's explosive anger, versus my directed anger. The biggest issue I've seen with anger is the tendency that people have to be angry at things that are unrelated to what they're actually angry at.

The worst thing you can do is to try and decide what it is they're angry at, because really, it doesn't matter. It matters what you are angry at, and how you handle that anger. Staying focused is probably the best you can do, really. Stay on point, and don't try to steer the incident, simply be clear on your end of things.