Conflicted emotions

[KitchenKitten99]

Last night just before bed, DH says that his ex-wife told him she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She will be undergoing surgery to remove the lumps and undergo radiation or chemo to make sure they get it all.

Yes, this is not a good thing.

However I cannot help but also feel that she's getting her karma for how she treats people (namely my husband and me) and consistently rude/negative behavior.

At the same time, I also have a suspicion that this is a desperate attention-getting technique to find ways to interfere with our lives again. Meaning she either doesn't have cancer at all (God I hope she isn't lying about this, but I wouldn't put it past her) or it isn't as bad as she's saying it is just so she gets people fussing over her. I could totally see her doing it.

To understand why I think this way, you would have had to see and hear everything she has done in the last 4 years to make my husband's and my life miserable. Constantly interrupting our very rare date nights for stupid insignificant reasons (knowing full well we are out alone together), she tried to ruin our wedding, constantly tells my husband he's a bad father and calls him all sorts of names, whines about money, etc. She comes up with stupid reasons to 'insert' herself into my and DH's very limited alone-time. Such as calling him to help with the kids at the last minute just before we are set to do something together. He no longer acquiesces to her demands, but that doesn't stop her from trying. I could write a small book with all the BS she has pulled.

She also spreads lies about me to my in-laws and because they believe she's the 'golden one', they believe her. This causes problems between them and DH. She lies about me to the kids, so my relationship with them is strained.

What I am trying to say is I am conflicted as to how to feel or approach this.

Sympathetic? I do partly but I feel more for their kids because if this is for real, and treatment doesn't go well, they face losing their mother, which would be very hard on them. I know how they would feel.

Unsympathetic? Yes, somewhat, because of the kind of person she is. Self-centered, single-minded, and will do anything to get her way. She is very controlling and manipulative. Essentially I have this "Karma's a bitch" feeling about it.

I am not heartless, just hardened on feelings towards her. My soft-hearted side wants to sympathize. Cancer sucks and going through treatment is hard. I have seen it firsthand. I held my grandmother's hand as she passed away after a 2.5 year battle with leukemia. She was more like a mother to me, being she raised me from about 3 yrs old and up. My actual mother wasn't around much.

I don't want to be a heartless bitch but at the same time, after all I have had to endure from this woman makes me feel little sympathy for her. And regardless of this being true or not, I know she's going to milk the sympathy act.

Thoughts...

[Robert A Whit]

Last night just before bed, DH says that his ex-wife told him she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She will be undergoing surgery to remove the lumps and undergo radiation or chemo to make sure they get it all.

Yes, this is not a good thing.

However I cannot help but also feel that she's getting her karma for how she treats people (namely my husband and me) and consistently rude/negative behavior.

At the same time, I also have a suspicion that this is a desperate attention-getting technique to find ways to interfere with our lives again. Meaning she either doesn't have cancer at all (God I hope she isn't lying about this, but I wouldn't put it past her) or it isn't as bad as she's saying it is just so she gets people fussing over her. I could totally see her doing it.

To understand why I think this way, you would have had to see and hear everything she has done in the last 4 years to make my husband's and my life miserable. Constantly interrupting our very rare date nights for stupid insignificant reasons (knowing full well we are out alone together), she tried to ruin our wedding, constantly tells my husband he's a bad father and calls him all sorts of names, whines about money, etc. She comes up with stupid reasons to 'insert' herself into my and DH's very limited alone-time. Such as calling him to help with the kids at the last minute just before we are set to do something together. He no longer acquiesces to her demands, but that doesn't stop her from trying. I could write a small book with all the BS she has pulled.

She also spreads lies about me to my in-laws and because they believe she's the 'golden one', they believe her. This causes problems between them and DH. She lies about me to the kids, so my relationship with them is strained.

What I am trying to say is I am conflicted as to how to feel or approach this.

Sympathetic? I do partly but I feel more for their kids because if this is for real, and treatment doesn't go well, they face losing their mother, which would be very hard on them. I know how they would feel.

Unsympathetic? Yes, somewhat, because of the kind of person she is. Self-centered, single-minded, and will do anything to get her way. She is very controlling and manipulative. Essentially I have this "Karma's a bitch" feeling about it.

I am not heartless, just hardened on feelings towards her. My soft-hearted side wants to sympathize. Cancer sucks and going through treatment is hard. I have seen it firsthand. I held my grandmother's hand as she passed away after a 2.5 year battle with leukemia. She was more like a mother to me, being she raised me from about 3 yrs old and up. My actual mother wasn't around much.

I don't want to be a heartless bitch but at the same time, after all I have had to endure from this woman makes me feel little sympathy for her. And regardless of this being true or not, I know she's going to milk the sympathy act.

Thoughts...

Was he still married to her when you started dating him?

[Syrenn]

why must you "feel" anything. You hate her from what i am reading. If anything feel sympathy for your husband and the children.

Something to consider..... they are divorced...and he is no longer HER support system.

[Robert A Whit]

why must you "feel" anything. You hate her from what i am reading. If anything feel sympathy for your husband and the children.

Something to consider..... they are divorced...and he is no longer HER support system.

He is one support system for the kids and I think this guy ought to handle that part and disengage from being the former wife support system as you say.

If he started dating the present wife while still married, this might by why he does stuff for the former wife.

[jimnyc]

She won't be able to hide the effects of the treatment if she gets it, and certainly wouldn't be immune. If she does in fact start getting treatment, a little polite support here and there might be nice, but not mandatory. After all, this is YOUR husband now and your life. But if she has no one else around, then a little attention may be nice. Outside of that, she needs to understand that you are married and have a life of your own to tend to, however mean that may sound. Just be on the lookout of someone looking to play off of the sympathy of others. I've seen it happen a few times. Some don't know when to fully let go.

[KitchenKitten99]

Was he still married to her when you started dating him?

No. Not at all. Granted it wasn't long after their divorce was final that he and I met, but we weren't an exclusive couple until 4 months later.

He was actually suicidal because of how she was still manipulating him--he was thoroughly convinced he was an awful father and a bad person for moving in with me. I left school (culinary school) early one day to walk in on him almost ready to kill himself. Their kids wouldn't have a father if it wasn't for my gut feeling something was wrong and heading home. He thanks me every day for my saving him and helping him see he was not what she said he was. He endured that kind of BS for almost 15 years...

[Robert A Whit]

I asked if he was still married ......

No. Not at all. Granted it wasn't long after their divorce was final that he and I met, but we weren't an exclusive couple until 4 months later.

He was actually suicidal because of how she was still manipulating him--he was thoroughly convinced he was an awful father and a bad person for moving in with me. I left school (culinary school) early one day to walk in on him almost ready to kill himself. Their kids wouldn't have a father if it wasn't for my gut feeling something was wrong and heading home. He thanks me every day for my saving him and helping him see he was not what she said he was. He endured that kind of BS for almost 15 years...

A former wife can be a royal pain as can a former husband. He may be having more problems if the former wife coaches the kids to say things to him that makes him feel guilty.

My last wife wanted the divorce and I was her third husband. She always let the other two guys have plenty of time with their kids.

She caused me problems. I paid child support on time. The other two guys did not. I caught hell.

Well, husband 1 got put in jail due to what she did to him and husband 2 was accused of molesting his kid and the kid of the first guy.

(by the way, husband 1 deserved some jail but after talking a lot to number 2, he did not ever molest those two girls.)

Maybe I was lucky.

Oh well, she died in Hawaii and it is generally believed she committed suicide by leaping into the ocean while drunk.

[Abbey Marie]

She needs a support system instead of your husband. But that said, if I were you I would take the high road. Act like you believe her (even if you don't). Much better that way if it turns out she does have cancer. And show a bit of sympathy. She is obviously suffering from some rather nasty problems of the heart, if nothing else. Your husband, children, and everyone else will be impressed with your graciousness, and it costs you very little to do.

[KitchenKitten99]

why must you "feel" anything. You hate her from what i am reading. If anything feel sympathy for your husband and the children.

Something to consider..... they are divorced...and he is no longer HER support system.

I don't hate her, despite what it sounds like. I don't have it in me to actually "hate" anyone. I dislike and despise her, but I don't hate her.

The thing is, she doesn't know or understand boundaries.

She also IS married again. Here's the kicker... they don't live together. She dated this guy for about a year or so. Then Christmas 2011, she gave him the ultimatum: marry me or we break up. This guy is a huge sucker. He is a nice guy, but too nice. NO backbone. He has 3 kids from his previous marriage. She pushed him for an April 2012 wedding, less than 4 months post-engagement. A HUGE extravaganza that she invited DH's brother and parents to (which they attended). She moves with the kids to his house, which is 45 miles across town, 6 weeks before the kids were done with school here. She's a teacher in the Minneapolis school system, so it isn't as if she couldn't wait either. So the kids were uprooted from the only place they knew to a completely strange and unfamiliar area. They are 7, 13, and 15.

Apparently she didn't spend much time with his kids and had never met his ex-wife. His kids were so disrespectful and he refused to discipline them, as well as his ex-wife apparently tried to run their lives (gee, I wonder what that feels like...) so by July she was already making plans to move out again. She had a deposit on a place and had the kids pack up their rooms, had a moving van ready to go... her husband somehow convinced her to stay. But that didn't last long. At the end of August she decided to just move out and move the kids back up to this area. She's still married, and from what the kids say, she only really has anything to do with her husband when it is a gift-giving (or in her case, gift receiving) occasion. He still lives 45 miles away.

[Syrenn]

I don't hate her, despite what it sounds like. I don't have it in me to actually "hate" anyone. I dislike and despise her, but I don't hate her.

The thing is, she doesn't know or understand boundaries.

She also IS married again. Here's the kicker... they don't live together. She dated this guy for about a year or so. Then Christmas 2011, she gave him the ultimatum: marry me or we break up. This guy is a huge sucker. He is a nice guy, but too nice. NO backbone. He has 3 kids from his previous marriage. She pushed him for an April 2012 wedding, less than 4 months post-engagement. A HUGE extravaganza that she invited DH's brother and parents to (which they attended). She moves with the kids to his house, which is 45 miles across town, 6 weeks before the kids were done with school here. She's a teacher in the Minneapolis school system, so it isn't as if she couldn't wait either. So the kids were uprooted from the only place they knew to a completely strange and unfamiliar area. They are 7, 13, and 15.

Apparently she didn't spend much time with his kids and had never met his ex-wife. His kids were so disrespectful and he refused to discipline them, as well as his ex-wife apparently tried to run their lives (gee, I wonder what that feels like...) so by July she was already making plans to move out again. She had a deposit on a place and had the kids pack up their rooms, had a moving van ready to go... her husband somehow convinced her to stay. But that didn't last long. At the end of August she decided to just move out and move the kids back up to this area. She's still married, and from what the kids say, she only really has anything to do with her husband when it is a gift-giving (or in her case, gift receiving) occasion. He still lives 45 miles away.

alright....

Even better. Her husband is HER support system..... not yours. I suggest being polite and civil in a general way. Breast cancer or not, i suggest neither of you get involved.


How old are your step children if i may ask?

[KitchenKitten99]

She needs a support system instead of your husband. But that said, if I were you I would take the high road. Act like you believe her (even if you don't). Much better that way if it turns out she does have cancer. And show a bit of sympathy. She is obviously suffering from some rather nasty problems of the heart, if nothing else. Your husband, children, and everyone else will be impressed with your graciousness, and it costs you very little to do.

I don't plan on showing any real emotion on this if I do actually see her in person. I try to just avoid all contact with her completely and let DH deal with her. Mostly because she gets offended at anything I might say, and then gets offended if I don't say anything. I can't win.

My issue is that this could and likely will ramp up her efforts to try to hurt us and break us up, using all sorts of 'medical related' excuses. She hasn't stopped her attempts, though her efforts are a little less frequent. DH won't let her break us apart, but the constant BS attempts continue, regardless what he does to get her to stop. It is beyond getting old...

[Syrenn]

I don't plan on showing any real emotion on this if I do actually see her in person. I try to just avoid all contact with her completely and let DH deal with her. Mostly because she gets offended at anything I might say, and then gets offended if I don't say anything. I can't win.

My issue is that this could and likely will ramp up her efforts to try to hurt us and break us up, using all sorts of 'medical related' excuses. She hasn't stopped her attempts, though her efforts are a little less frequent. DH won't let her break us apart, but the constant BS attempts continue, regardless what he does to get her to stop. It is beyond getting old...

what medical related excuses could she use?

again.. she is not married to your husband....and therefore he is NOT part of her support system.

sympathize and say your really sorry she has to deal with breast cancer.... the point is SHE has to deal with the cancer... your and your husband dont.

question.... did she divorce him...or did he divorce her?

[KitchenKitten99]

alright....

Even better. Her husband is HER support system..... not yours. I suggest being polite and civil in a general way. Breast cancer or not, i suggest neither of you get involved.


How old are your step children if i may ask?

they are 8, 13, and 16.

While you suggest we not get involved, I know that what she will start doing is using her medical condition to try to monopolize any real free time DH has, especially any that we have together, which is very little. He works as a consultant for corporate companies (usually Fortune 100, 300, and 500) thus he has high-stress there. That money pays our household bills. Then we have our retail shop, which I run much of the time. We can't afford employees right now. We have people who help us out by volunteering but they have full time jobs and other lives so we have to be careful to not to over-work them.

Between the shop, his consulting business, and our kids, all of whom are in sports of some kind (that's going to be pared down though, and they won't be in sports year round anymore), our time for just US is relegated to Sunday nights, after 6pm, when the shop closes.

As far as her husband being her support system, there is not a whole lot he can do when he lives and works 45 miles away, and has 50% custody of his kids (they live with him half the time) and they aren't old enough to take care of themselves. Which leads me to believe she will now attempt to emotionally manipulate him into doing what her husband should be. My husband is a VERY soft-hearted person, and she knows how to pull those heart-strings to get what she wants. He's gotten better at not letting her, but I can see her using this against him to guilt him into things.

[KitchenKitten99]

what medical related excuses could she use?

again.. she is not married to your husband....and therefore he is NOT part of her support system.

sympathize and say your really sorry she has to deal with breast cancer.... the point is SHE has to deal with the cancer... your and your husband dont.

question.... did she divorce him...or did he divorce her?

When it comes to things regarding the kids and their sports schedules... she will use whatever she can to get out of making an effort and get him to change his plans because she 'suddenly' has something come up. She already does this, just not as frequent as before. They are supposed to split duties 50/50, but she finds ways to try to get out of doing her part.

That's the thing... she doesn't respect boundaries, thus whether we are or we want to be her support system or not, she still thinks of him as under her control to do as she requests. She hates that he has found his spine and tells her no more often than ever.

She may be the one dealing with it, but because his kids are involved, we will be as well to some degree.

And she requested the divorce, and moved out of their home. As well as saddled him with $80,000 in credit card debt and personal loans in the divorce. Piece of work, huh?

[Syrenn]

they are 8, 13, and 16.

While you suggest we not get involved, I know that what she will start doing is using her medical condition to try to monopolize any real free time DH has, especially any that we have together, which is very little. He works as a consultant for corporate companies (usually Fortune 100, 300, and 500) thus he has high-stress there. That money pays our household bills. Then we have our retail shop, which I run much of the time. We can't afford employees right now. We have people who help us out by volunteering but they have full time jobs and other lives so we have to be careful to not to over-work them.

Between the shop, his consulting business, and our kids, all of whom are in sports of some kind (that's going to be pared down though, and they won't be in sports year round anymore), our time for just US is relegated to Sunday nights, after 6pm, when the shop closes.

As far as her husband being her support system, there is not a whole lot he can do when he lives and works 45 miles away, and has 50% custody of his kids (they live with him half the time) and they aren't old enough to take care of themselves. Which leads me to believe she will now attempt to emotionally manipulate him into doing what her husband should be. My husband is a VERY soft-hearted person, and she knows how to pull those heart-strings to get what she wants. He's gotten better at not letting her, but I can see her using this against him to guilt him into things.

i suggest you and your husband sit down and have a talk about his now....before it gets any worse.

You are obviously having issues with this problem now, so before it gets any deeper, before any pain, confusion and hurt feelings happen.....talk over all over your fears and concerns. Come up with a plan on how to deal with the ex situation and stick to it.

Support the children.... not her.