Big plans

[aboutime]

Why, AT, you're a romantic guy.

Thanks. Guess that's why I still have the same Lady after 44 years?????

[Abbey Marie]

Thanks. Guess that's why I still have the same Lady after 44 years?????

It certainly helps.

[cadet]

Yeah, sort of hit me that way too, problem is that we have similar backgrounds regarding education and such. I didn't get married until 25, all of my kids were older than that. It never dawned on me that my kids would consider getting engaged, much less married while still in school. There are many though that do, just not mine. LOL!

Cadet has a very close family, I think that's pretty obvious. It may be more the norm for that family.

Trigg and Nuke were already married at my age. Just sayin.

Cadet, I am not going to pull any punches here, so if you are offended, sorry for that, but I have to be honest. It sends up a big red flag to me that such a young girl is "pissed" that you aren't proposing fast enough for her liking.

Ok, maybe not "pissed". I guess it'd be better to say sad/disappointed/a little miffed. Or, something like that. I don't have a way with words.



AT wrote something about the divorce rate being 50%, me and her are totally against divorce. You don't throw it away, you fix it.

[Monkeybone]

Trigg and Nuke were already married at my age. Just sayin.

Just because it works with some doesn't mean it will work every time. Finish school first and then do it.

[Marcus Aurelius]

I suppose I can throw in some more info.
she's going to be a freshman, I'm going to be a junior.
Just wondering if now would be the right time. or if it's too soon.

Dude, marriage at your age is a mistake. You'll have a few happy years together to enjoy life as a couple. Then the kids come along.

Unless you spend a good amount of years enjoying just each other, you could both end up resenting the most important gifts you'll ever receive in life... your children.

Patience is not only a virtue, it is essential for a happy and healthy life together.

[Marcus Aurelius]

...AT wrote something about the divorce rate being 50%, me and her are totally against divorce. You don't throw it away, you fix it.

A solid relationship needs time. Time to build a foundation...time to grow...time to flourish. Marriage too young takes all that away.

I was married right out of college. First 2-3 years were great. Then financial struggles.. kids... etc. We tried for the last 10 years of the marriage to 'fix' it. Counselors individually, together, church counselors, private counselors, retreats, books, you name it, we tried it. There was even my 3rd son, whom I love more than I love my own life, who was her 'save the marriage baby'. Didn't work.

Take your time. Do it right. A lot of us didn't and we regret it.

[aboutime]

Trigg and Nuke were already married at my age. Just sayin.



Ok, maybe not "pissed". I guess it'd be better to say sad/disappointed/a little miffed. Or, something like that. I don't have a way with words.



AT wrote something about the divorce rate being 50%, me and her are totally against divorce. You don't throw it away, you fix it.

Cadet. Cliche's sound fine. "You don't throw it away, you fix it' is a good start. But when the reality finally hits home, and both of you discover You really don't know each other as well as you INSIST today. It takes on a totally different feeling.
Over many years of trial, and many errors. Our 44 years have not all be glorious, wonderful loving, days of endless bliss.
Truth is. If both of you aren't willing to commit totally in every way early on. That DON'T THROW IT AWAY, YOU FIX IT sentence means nothing.
Our most pressing, early problems with our marriage began in the 70's, when we actually had days where FOOD became a luxury item if...we wanted to keep our first home by paying the mortgage on time.
Both of us worked. And the Money was always the biggest bone of contention that nearly caused us to break up.
That didn't just happen once, but many times.
MONEY, and Lack of Communication...100% communication is the 'FIX IT' you talked about. But reality wasn't always that easy to do.
If the two of you are now in any kind of argument where She is pissed, for such a simple idea, or reason.
It sounds foolish to me, that you are even seriously considering taking the BIG STEP of proposing marriage. Especially in an economy like we have today, and without you or her, finishing school, or training.
If you start your life together with TROUBLES. Those troubles never seem to ever go away. And the same can be said for your marriage IF.....It's not based on total love, trust, and reality first.
You asked....there's what I have to say.
Take it, or leave it. But in no way can you blame me, or anyone else here for YOUR LIFE CHOICES.

[Kathianne]

Cadet. Cliche's sound fine. "You don't throw it away, you fix it' is a good start. But when the reality finally hits home, and both of you discover You really don't know each other as well as you INSIST today. It takes on a totally different feeling.
Over many years of trial, and many errors. Our 44 years have not all be glorious, wonderful loving, days of endless bliss.
Truth is. If both of you aren't willing to commit totally in every way early on. That DON'T THROW IT AWAY, YOU FIX IT sentence means nothing.
Our most pressing, early problems with our marriage began in the 70's, when we actually had days where FOOD became a luxury item if...we wanted to keep our first home by paying the mortgage on time.
Both of us worked. And the Money was always the biggest bone of contention that nearly caused us to break up.
That didn't just happen once, but many times.
MONEY, and Lack of Communication...100% communication is the 'FIX IT' you talked about. But reality wasn't always that easy to do.
If the two of you are now in any kind of argument where She is pissed, for such a simple idea, or reason.
It sounds foolish to me, that you are even seriously considering taking the BIG STEP of proposing marriage. Especially in an economy like we have today, and without you or her, finishing school, or training.
If you start your life together with TROUBLES. Those troubles never seem to ever go away. And the same can be said for your marriage IF.....It's not based on total love, trust, and reality first.
You asked....there's what I have to say.
Take it, or leave it. But in no way can you blame me, or anyone else here for YOUR LIFE CHOICES.

AT tends to be rather emotional and a bit bombastic, but he's really telling it like it is in most cases.

For most folks, money is more than likely to be an issue into at least your late 40's, moreso if your combined skills are less than good.

Too many kids, too many illnesses, multiply the problems.

Now totally anecdotal, coming from an area that is outside the parameters of most areas in US. I married at 25, had 2 BA degrees and was making over $30k when the average was around $20k. My husband had 2 BA's and MBA and was making a thousand less than myself. Good salaries then.

My good friend from HS had left my house, when I went to college at 18. She hadn't been getting along with her folks and moved in with us during the last months of hs. When I went away to school, my mom told her she needed to go back home 'and decide what she was goig to do.' She met and married the guy that was fixing her car that weekend.

She'd 'known him' for 36 hours.

She's still married and in love. Her 3 'kids' are all older than mine, 2 finished universities, 1 is a doctor. She's still in love with her mechanic.

I've been divorced for many years.

There are no guarantees. Some is just gut feelings and commitments to ideals.

[Larrymc]

Ok, here's what's up. Technically, I have the money to propose to my girlfriend. But, I'm cheep, and don't want to spend the money, cause it takes my entire bank account/college fund down to 1,000 for a bit. I can always just put all the money I make during school back into my account. So I guess money's not that big of a deal. (But i'm a cheep Jew like my mom )

I've been telling this girl that I might have the money to propose around winter, and she's all pissed cause she knows how much money I have, (accidentally started bragging about my funds).

So, she's currently pissed. I got to thinking, and this might be perfect. My whole plan for proposing to her wasn't the "show up on doorstep and drop on my knee" but a little more in depth than that.
I'm going to cut all communication to her, except for a letter, sealed with wax. (having all her friends in on it too, of course) that letter's going to have clues sending her to our first date, where i'll then have the little old lady that works there give her another note, which will take her to another area that will have one of her friends dressed kinda sketchy, and hand her another suspicious note.
When she get's to the last note, (after 5 times of going through this) I'm going to have her "Save me" where I'll be back at our first date site with a ring in hand. With as many friends and family as possible there as well, it's a skating rink, so there's stuff to do) And of course, I'll be keeping contact with her friends and family the entire time. Not sure how long it will take, but I think I could pull it off.

I figure that since she's currently pissed, and under the impression that I'm going to ask later more than sooner, it's the best time to screw with her head.
And if she really cares enough, she'll make it through the entire adventure.
And then, that'll give us the entire school year to wait before we tie the knot.


What do ya'll think? My parents included.

I mean, I could always wait till winter like I told her... but...

Sounds like fun, Id say go for it.

[SassyLady]

Cadet, I'm sure your girl is intelligent enough to know that you've got something going on by setting up this game. I would do a couple of dry runs first. Just pick a special day and do this a little toned down and run her through the paces. Or, have a friend set the two of you up and play it together the first time, and that way she might not think it's the "big one", but just a little one to spice things up.

Truthfully, I would love to have someone this creative in my life. Life would definitely not be boring!!

[logroller]

Lots of good advice here; truth is, in the long run, it won't matter when you propose, or what ring you use. If you're both committed to making it work, it will. But both of you must have the same "it" in mind. A lasting relationship built upon trust and mutual respect is not found in a ring, no matter the price. Work on your proposal; define what it is that you seek in a marriage, how you will secure it, and what great things, with her as your wife, you will have together. If she shares your vision, she be overcome with emotion and won't notice the ring until well-after she puts it on. (Then shes on the hook ) If its not what she had in mind...welcome to marriage. Sometimes we make sacrifices to accomplish something greater. :Godspeed:

[Jeff]

Buddy I am going to give you the same advice I would give either of my two older boys that are right around your age

1) Don't ever propose because she wants you to or is pissed that you haven't ( if this relationship is right it will survive the time for you to do it when you know it is right

2) In todays day and age it takes two to work and if you want children eventually it is very expensive( daycare alone without a college education will take care of her salary so she might as well stay home with the kids ) get your schooling out of the way both of ya, ( after all if this is true love it will survive the time )

3) A guy gave me this advice a half hour before I was suppose to be at the church for my first marriage , I was sitting in the local bar with my best man and a older guy told me son do yourself a favor find your way buy a house and then get married ( most young marriages have trouble due to money and if you do bring a young one into it before your schooling is done buying a house ie very hard

4) buddy probably the best advice I can give ya is talk to your folks they know you best and are fine people , take there advice as gospel

5) if ya decide to go through with it I wish ya the best of luck and pray yall have a wonderful life together

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Cadet , its your life so you get to live it , mistakes and all. I married too young the first time and it didn't work but that's not to say yours wouldn't. I married a certified completely selfish biatccccchhhh the second time it didn't work ,even with me trying to fix it for most of the 22 years. Third time a home run because I learned from my mistakes. My advice is too wait but then again if waiting would cause you to lose somebody you love --Don't wait! Your call-best of luck!! -Tyr

[Trigg]

I saw this thread and decided to stay out of it until some replies had been made.

Nuke and I thought Cadet worded his initial post in an odd way and also questioned the part about her being "pissed".

He's right that Nuke and I got married very young, as did my parents and in-laws, which is why telling him to wait is falling of deaf ears lol.

They are planning to finish school first which gives them BOTH 2 years to do some growing up.

[Abbey Marie]

Buddy I am going to give you the same advice I would give either of my two older boys that are right around your age

1) Don't ever propose because she wants you to or is pissed that you haven't ( if this relationship is right it will survive the time for you to do it when you know it is right

2) In todays day and age it takes two to work and if you want children eventually it is very expensive( daycare alone without a college education will take care of her salary so she might as well stay home with the kids ) get your schooling out of the way both of ya, ( after all if this is true love it will survive the time )

3) A guy gave me this advice a half hour before I was suppose to be at the church for my first marriage , I was sitting in the local bar with my best man and a older guy told me son do yourself a favor find your way buy a house and then get married ( most young marriages have trouble due to money and if you do bring a young one into it before your schooling is done buying a house ie very hard

4) buddy probably the best advice I can give ya is talk to your folks they know you best and are fine people , take there advice as gospel

5) if ya decide to go through with it I wish ya the best of luck and pray yall have a wonderful life together

Can't top the bolded for the best advice here.