Haribo Gummy Bears

[jimnyc]

Be forewarned, it's kinda gross! LOL Read all of the reviews. Probably fake, but hilarious!

[Missileman]

be forewarned, it's kinda gross! Lol read all of the reviews. Probably fake, but hilarious!

rofl!

[jafar00]

Sweetened with Lycasin which sounds like bad news and it is with the main component being Maltitol which can cause gas, bloating and causes an insulin spike in your body. I would hazard a guess and say that a butt volcano is the least of your worries with these toxic little sweeties.

[hjmick]

Not fake:


http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-C...ee+gummi+bears

[jimnyc]

Not fake:


http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-C...ee+gummi+bears

Oh my, I've been reading the latest reviews, not in the picture from above. and I literally have tears in my eyes and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

[Missileman]

Oh my, I've been reading the latest reviews, not in the picture from above. and I literally have tears in my eyes and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

The one about the diver....ROFLMAO!

[jafar00]

Are these all real or has this turned into some kind of gone viral outlet for creative toilet humour writers?

[jimnyc]

Are these all real or has this turned into some kind of gone viral outlet for creative toilet humour writers?

It's gotta be the latter! I can understand this many people having a "reaction" of sorts to the candy, but the odds of them all being so damn hilarious? LOL

[jimnyc]

The one about the diver....ROFLMAO!

First off, I need to preface this review by saying that Haribo Sugar Free Gummies are delicious, and that many of the Haribo products remain a dear childhood memory. For that reason alone I have not reached out to the Better Business Bureau. My psychiatrist told me from now on to stay positive, lest I have another horrible flashback of the events that occurred two months ago. That being said, this product both saved my life, as well as put it in unnecessary jeopardy.

I had ordered a 5-pound bag on Amazon as sort of an impulsive buy, but never really got around to eating them until a buddy and me headed out for a wreck dive in the Caribbean. Being the overweight glutton that I am, I chose not to share with my long time friend, the dive master, or the other people on board the boat. I snacked on about 20 or 30 (my memory is a bit foggy), but enough to tide me over for the trip. I suited up, routinely walked off the railings, and began my 25m (75 foot) descent.

It was around 30 feet that my stomach gave a peculiar lurch, and I really didn't think much of it. We continued our leisurely path to the bottom, the water's hue fading to a darker blue while our air bubbles playfully danced to the sunny surface.

A horrible, gut-wrenching blast of feces and gas escaped me around 55-feet. I chuckled to myself, checking my dive watch and then looking back at my friend and a few inexperienced divers a little above me. Between us was a cloud of brown. A little embarrassed, I still smiled at the humor of the situation, even though it was going to be disgusting when I got back on the boat. I had no idea what was to come.

By the time we reached the bottom, I had given off two more clouds, but something was nightmarishly different. It could have been the crushing pressure of the depth, or, from what I've read from other posts, a similar rejection of the gummies, either way I had lost control of my sphincter muscles and did not stop loosing my bowels. I started to panic and grow dizzy, but hand signaling to my friend or the dive team was impossible- I was completely surrounded by the hazy brown cumulonimbus excrement extended who knows how far out. I did not know which way was up.

My diving suit felt like it was filled not with water, but with rich warm feces that combatted the November- cold waters of a deep-sea dive. Through the chunks, I had trouble viewing my dive computer, and had no idea how much oxygen was left in my tank. My shaking hands lost the flashlight, and I could only grunt in fear and shame. How long was I down there for? 10 minutes? An hour? I lost track of time, felt detached from humanity. I damned those treacherous snacks, and in my panic inflated my BC too much, rising to the surface at a dangerous rate.

I remember reaching the surface. Blowing the whistle, and seeing the concerned faces of those on board the diving boat. Flashes of light from both the noon sun and the medical flashlight. Blackness. My buddy's distressed and humorless face. Blackness again. I only became fully conscious in the decompression chamber when I heard the familiar voices of my parents and brother, as well as the distant sound of saliva dripping from my mouth.

At the beginning of this story, I mentioned that Haribo might have played a role in saving my life. Weeks after my harrowing ascent, and after shutting myself off from the world, I attempted to lead a normal life again with those close to me. I decided to get in touch with my diving friend who bore witness to that fateful day. At the time, I could not meet his eyes, but he told me everything that he saw- the first brown insult that emanated from my body and passed around him like a ghost, me looking back and smiling, and the increasing radius of my own liquefied excrement; what I did not notice was the 13-foot hammerhead circling me. The rest of the team had seen it making its way towards me, but I was then enshrouded in the cloud, unable to see them signaling the danger yards ahead of me. When the shark had reached the cloud, it had "shuddered" and seemed to throw up the contents of its stomach before making a hasty retreat. My friend's haunted face showed that he too could use some therapy after what happened that day. We are still friends, but do not talk as much as we used to. I lost 85 pounds and break out in sweat when I pass the candy isle at Publix. I am what you would call "a survivor".

[jimnyc]

"The snack: Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears made by Haribo"

[jimnyc]

I really gotta click the little X at the top of that page, it's addicting and I'm feeling lightheaded from laughing so damn hard. I'm normally not a "potty humor" kinda guy, but whoever is writing these is hilarious!!

------------------------

So yes, it's true. . Everything people have said. When people say "believe the reviews", I'm telling you to believe the people that say to believe the reviews.

I wasn't surprised that the hell-bears caused me to have massive diarrhea, everyone warned me. I wanted to see if I could just eat them slowly and build up a tolerance to them. My plan was to eat 1 bear now, then tomorrow do 2 bears, then the next day 3 bears, and so on adding one bear each day in an attempt to build up my tolerance slowly without having to spend the day in the bathroom. Day 10 came which means it was the day to eat 10 bears, I chose my colors carefully, it was difficult to limit myself, so I was excited to be able to eat 10, because they taste great and I've had no reaction thus far.

What I didn't know is that the bears are not stupid. The first 9 days' worth of bears got in there and realized they didn't have the bear-power that was needed to launch an effective assault. So they waited, waited for reinforcement. I feel now like they are very patient bears and would have waited until the bitter end for backup. Well, day 10 brought them a healthy batch of 10 new recruits, which means that since day 1 I now have 55 bears in my stomach, which I guess is sufficient for them to finally launch the attack. The attack started with a few pop shots to the gut, not big deal. I figured tomorrow I'll go back to 5 bears and slow down my approach to immunity. My new goal meant very little to the bears that were already committed to the mass scale invasion that so many others have spoken about.

What others fail to mention is that after 15 minutes on the toilet your legs fall asleep and about 5 minutes after that, cramping settles in. So now you are faced with unbearable leg cramps, but you know standing up is going to paint the wall brown. So I had no choice, I have to get up. Shoes off, pants off. I lean forward while starting a barrel roll off the side of the toilet, I continue this roll right into the bathtub, where I spend the next 6 hours of my life crying and occasionally turning on the cold water to wash away the blood, sweat, tears, and bear guts. My wife checked on me once. I told her to just leave me with at least 1 method of suicide available and abandon the house until I call her. To her credit she stayed around. Finally, after regaining consciousness I was able to stand up and plunge the drilling mud down the tub drain. I just went ahead and took a shower being careful around the "hole" as it felt like I spent the night in a prison shower.

Thanks to Haribo I have a better understanding of what the meaning of life is, and how to approach success in the face of adversity. I would not say that I'm a better man, but I am better prepared for life's little games.

[hjmick]

This seems to be the earliest review reflecting the trend of humorous Gummy Bear reviews...

From October 12, 2009:

These gummies are something that we do not want the radical islam terroist to get there hands on. From what I know now, there are no secrets that would be worth keeping, if they threatned to make me eat the gummies. First my head was on fire and my ears were pulsating. I looked down to see if someone by accident had stuck a brading iron through my stomach. It took so much energy away from me that I crawled to the toilet. This kind of diarrhea made me think of a new invention.... seat belts for the toilet. I had such diarrhea that I was producing thrust. Just as I was about to pass out, the noise from my ringing ears distracted me enough to not pass out and realize that ther was more thrust coming. Just as I thought this was over the finally came with dead lips. Yep my lips went numb like I had a shot of novacane. This was the conclusion and after my wife said she could now see my pupils again and my eyes came back down in alignment. At this point we told the 911 operator that we were going to hold off on the ambulance.

T. Williams, an ex gummie bear purchaser.

[jimnyc]

I gave the link to my sister who thoroughly enjoyed the reviews. She works at a major hotel and wants to buy them and fill the dishes in the lobby!

[jafar00]

I gave the link to my sister who thoroughly enjoyed the reviews. She works at a major hotel and wants to buy them and fill the dishes in the lobby!

I'm sure the room cleaners will appreciate that!

[logroller]

Are these all real or has this turned into some kind of gone viral outlet for creative toilet humour writers?

Only one way to find out....try them.