A good joke I found.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Placed in the cage in case some think it not funny. --Tyr

"The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?" The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek." The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

ok, a few more just for the helluva it..--Tyr

I'm Gonna Jump


In Mumbai, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Hindu cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the

man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."



The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."



Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna" Man replies "Who is that?"



Cop yells "Jump, Muslim! You're blocking traffic!"

Central Park
A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Obama and 2 Pigs

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."...

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, sir.

This one had me laughing because the sentiment expressed is real for many tens of millions of Americans.... I'd call it the trade of the century myself. -Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

ok a few more.. --Tyr

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Islam beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar.
A: The bartender says hello Mr. President.

Q: Why doesn't Gaddafi go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

Q: Why did the radical Muslim go to the airport and blow himself up?
A: He wanted to go everywhere.

Q. What can the Palestinians do to raise the average IQ in the West Bank?
A. Allow Jews to come in.

Last one for now but certainly not least is this one... I know the combat veterans will get a kick out of this joke.-Tyr

Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

[aboutime]

Tyr. I apologize for breaking up your line of jokes here. But I couldn't resist sharing this photo I received in my email today.

Sadly. The first person I thought of was MRS. OBAMA.

So...a Joke...is a Joke.....

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Tyr. I apologize for breaking up your line of jokes here. But I couldn't resist sharing this photo I received in my email today.

Sadly. The first person I thought of was MRS. OBAMA.

So...a Joke...is a Joke.....

That picture hurt my eyes and my mind!!! --Tyr

[aboutime]

That picture hurt my eyes and my mind!!! --Tyr

THAT'S why I started off with an APOLOGY!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. "
The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked!

That one hurt!!!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

-- And mom was dead on the money-Tyr

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

ok one more..

A young country boy enters a big city barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the country boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The country boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young country boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The country boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Smartest ever Obama

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

I'd place a bet that he is about that smart ..-Tyr


This one is even better!! -Tyr

A Texas Cowboy

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Government." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

ok , a few more just for kicks..

Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Hillbilly Deputy Sheriff

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he's wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff's desk and says to the sheriff, 'I'm here to be a deputy.'
»
The sheriff laughs and says, 'Well let's see if you're qualified, son. The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer. The sheriff says, 'Close enough.'Hillbilly Sheriff

The sheriff then asks him, 'What are two days of the week that begin with 'T'?'
'Today and tomorrow,' says the hillbilly.

'Not what I was looking for but I'll give it to ya,' says the sheriff.

'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' the sheriff asks.
The hillbilly just stands there with a blank look on his face.

'Why don't you go home, think about it and come back tomorrow,' the sheriff says to the hillbilly.
So the hillbilly goes home and his wife says to him, 'So sweetpea, did you get the job?'

'I think so, they've already put me on a murder case.'

Classic Tennessee Hillbilly Drunk Joke

George, the bartender, asks the Hillbilly, who is sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

Hillbilly answers, 'Ah, I'll have a scotch, please.'

George hands him the drink, and says, 'That'll be $4.60,' to which the Hillbilly splutters, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

Roger, a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to George, the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'You must have a double

George was singularly unimpressed, so he says to the Hillbilly, 'OK, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me ever catch you in here again.'

The next day, the Hillbilly again, walks into the bar. George glowers and rasps, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back! 'The Hillbilly smiles and says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!'

George looks at the Hillbilly closely and mutters, 'I'm sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. 'The Hillbilly, without missing a beat says, 'Thank you, bartender. Make it a scotch.'

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Don't you still have those big red trucks?"

The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

An Alabamian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The Alabamian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said,
"They're to hold my balls while I drive."
"Boy," exclaimed the Alabamian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"

And my favorite...-Tyr

25 ways to annoy a Yankee
•Take your own sweet time when doing anything.
•Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
•When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the heck out of 'em.
•Talk real slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
•When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
•Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
•Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
•Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
•Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
•Insist on being addressed by your first and middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. — Jeb.)
•Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
•Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
•Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".
•Put Tabasco on everything.
•For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
•When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
•Name all of your children "Bubba".
•Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
•"Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
•Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
•Tell them you don't have an accent,they do.
•Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations. Offends the heck out of 'em.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A Romantic Dinner



A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.




They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress,
taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman
slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared
straight ahead.




The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of
sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight
ahead.



The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might
offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying
to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the
table."




The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She
just walked in."

. -Tyr


---------------------------------------------------------------
he Dead Parrot

THE DEAD PARROT
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Rod."
"WHAT FUNERAL!!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep do-do."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.. but sooooooo is uglyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please

There is a great deal of truth in that one. Noted that there are exceptions and such women are gems that are worth far more than their weight in diamonds and gold..
A man must first look for a good women if ever he is to find one. They just don't fall out of trees landing at your feet.. -Tyr