Wrong or right?

[jimnyc]

As most of you know, my best friend Jerome has passed on. I'm still heartbroken. Against advice, I kinda still hold back the tears and kinda avoid discussing with others. To me, it's personal and he was literally my best friend.

Anyway. So I try not to say "Jerome" for now in front of the Chihuahua. The first few times afterwards, his tail was wagging and he kinda went looking around for him. It broke my heart to see that. He really seemed depressed for awhile. When the wife used his name several times, I very politely and sincerely explained what I just said, and further said "Please just leave it be for awhile. I see him searching and it kills me to see that. In time it will be better". The response?

"I'm not avoiding the subject like Voldemort. He's just a dog."

I believe she was talking about Porter with the "just a dog" comment, but it doesn't matter to me whether Porter or Jerome. If you feel one is just a dog, then I'm sure others as well. I then turned and said "Sure, just like Nero is JUST a cat". She adores him and lets him sleep with her. I don't know if I should have been surprised when she said the same, he's just a cat.

Am I wrong for trying to protect Porter for now? Is it wrong to feel like it hurts him, or makes him search, when he doesn't know for sure what happened? This re-opened a healing wound for me.

[revelarts]

i don't know Jim.

but it will get better

[PixieStix]

I had 3 American Eskimo's. They were buddies, First Rikki past, she was only 11. I loved her very much and when she past the other 2 Jeckyl, and Link, looked for her for weeks. I wondered if they thought I kicked her out. I felt bad for them. Then 4 years later Jeckyl became very ill, and he passed a few months later. My last Eskie, (Link) was really odd after than, he never slept in my room again, He made his new bed, right by the door as if he was looking for his dad (Jeckyl), or maybe he knew he was the only one to protect his family.
Link and all my other dogs were not JUST dogs. They were my friends and Link was totally my heart dog. Link lived to be 18 years old. I think he did not want to leave because he was just too happy. I still cry at times. I will always miss him.

I don't think you are wrong. Feelings are never wrong. They are something real to you. It is what you do with those feelings that matter.

Link was my best friend, and nobody should ever say that he was JUST a dog to me. I would then give them a long lecture on what the definition of a friend is.

[NightTrain]

Animals understand death. I don't think they mourn nearly like we do, but they do in their own way.

Remember Koko the 'talking' gorilla? They got her a kitten, because she kept signing that she wanted one. They were inseparable and Koko adored it. Then somehow, the kitten got run over by a car, and the researchers were trying to figure out how to tell the 800 pound gorilla about what happened to the kitten, and no one knew how she was going to react to the news.

Finally, the lead researcher went into the cage and told her that the kitten was dead, even though they had never discussed the concept of death before. She asked Koko if she understood, and the gorilla signed back that she did, that it was "the great sleep." As far as anyone knew, the gorilla had never seen anything dead before, and yet she knew and understood the concept, and "the great sleep" were her words to describe it.

I would handle it just like you are, with the avoidance of saying Jerome's name because of course Porter knows who you're referring to and that's going to remind him. Dogs are a lot more intelligent than people give them credit for.

[Gunny]

As most of you know, my best friend Jerome has passed on. I'm still heartbroken. Against advice, I kinda still hold back the tears and kinda avoid discussing with others. To me, it's personal and he was literally my best friend.

Anyway. So I try not to say "Jerome" for now in front of the Chihuahua. The first few times afterwards, his tail was wagging and he kinda went looking around for him. It broke my heart to see that. He really seemed depressed for awhile. When the wife used his name several times, I very politely and sincerely explained what I just said, and further said "Please just leave it be for awhile. I see him searching and it kills me to see that. In time it will be better". The response?

"I'm not avoiding the subject like Voldemort. He's just a dog."

I believe she was talking about Porter with the "just a dog" comment, but it doesn't matter to me whether Porter or Jerome. If you feel one is just a dog, then I'm sure others as well. I then turned and said "Sure, just like Nero is JUST a cat". She adores him and lets him sleep with her. I don't know if I should have been surprised when she said the same, he's just a cat.

Am I wrong for trying to protect Porter for now? Is it wrong to feel like it hurts him, or makes him search, when he doesn't know for sure what happened? This re-opened a healing wound for me.

Why hold back the tears? Real men cry. Sociopaths don't.

[jimnyc]

Why hold back the tears? Real men cry. Sociopaths don't.

Not as much holding them back as much as I find it personal. I like to grieve in my room, on my own time and such. I feel very awkward if I cry in front of others, or in public. So it's not as if they aren't there, trust me, they were and are.

And while I'll do so, I'll love Porter as my best friend as well, and protect him. It seemed to get him excited, or depressed, so I figured it would be wise to let him do his own thing as well. It's so recent that I'm not sure that he fully realizes he's not coming back yet. I think some might feel it's weird of me to protect him as such, to avoid routines and names, so as not to make HIM uncomfortable. Maybe it's partially for me too, but I say his name of course when not in front of the little guy.

[Gunny]

Not as much holding them back as much as I find it personal. I like to grieve in my room, on my own time and such. I feel very awkward if I cry in front of others, or in public. So it's not as if they aren't there, trust me, they were and are.

And while I'll do so, I'll love Porter as my best friend as well, and protect him. It seemed to get him excited, or depressed, so I figured it would be wise to let him do his own thing as well. It's so recent that I'm not sure that he fully realizes he's not coming back yet. I think some might feel it's weird of me to protect him as such, to avoid routines and names, so as not to make HIM uncomfortable. Maybe it's partially for me too, but I say his name of course when not in front of the little guy.

And that's your business. I respect that.

Feeling it's your job to be responsible for others can mess up your head. You can't stop death. None of us can.

[Abbey Marie]

Not as much holding them back as much as I find it personal. I like to grieve in my room, on my own time and such. I feel very awkward if I cry in front of others, or in public. So it's not as if they aren't there, trust me, they were and are.

And while I'll do so, I'll love Porter as my best friend as well, and protect him. It seemed to get him excited, or depressed, so I figured it would be wise to let him do his own thing as well. It's so recent that I'm not sure that he fully realizes he's not coming back yet. I think some might feel it's weird of me to protect him as such, to avoid routines and names, so as not to make HIM uncomfortable. Maybe it's partially for me too, but I say his name of course when not in front of the little guy.

Kindness and compassion are never weird. Or wrong.

[Abbey Marie]

Just saw this quote, no attribution.

"If we could live happy and healthy lives without harming others... why wouldn't we?"

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Why hold back the tears? Real men cry. Sociopaths don't.

I cried when my dad died--but it was three years later(age 18). I cried when two of my babies were born dead (21 and 25) ,,,
I cried when my first dog was deliberately ran over (age 10)...
Yet , I've been cut with a knife, hit on the head with a pool cue, iron bar , wooden chair leg and tire tool --never cried a damn tear.. older brother shot me in the ass with an arrow--hurt like hell (age12)-no tears..
Some things are worth crying over--others are not--losing a beloved dog is always worth it IMHO.

LET ANYBODY TRY TO TELL ME I AM NOT A MAN FOR CRYING WHEN I DID.
I'll leave their dumbass down ,either sitting on their ass crying , or knocked the hell out! A solid gold fact..-Tyr

[hjmick]

Jim...


First and most importantly, they're your feelings, they can't be wrong.

Second, and I know this will sound wrong but... Get another dog. I know that right now it doesn't feel like the right thing, but it is. You'll be surprised. In 2012, a few months before the Mrs. and I left Albuquerque, we had to relieve the suffering of out Gordon Setter mix. We'd had him since we got together, about 17 years. I cried more for him that I did my father. And why not? I had spent every day for 17 years with that dog. I miss him still...

The thing is, I wanted to get another dog soon after, the Mrs. nixed that idea, she was too sad. She also thought loving another dog was something of a betrayal of her beloved Gordon (yes, we named him Gordon). Anyway... We also had another dog, Petrie, some sort of terrier mix, doesn't matter... She's getting long in the tooth about this time, she's still with us (she's 17 now), but slowing way down... Well, we move to South Carolina. Petrie seems lost, sad, whatever. The Mrs. still says no to another dog... Enter my mom, breeder and shower of champion Papillons... She has one she just can't sell, but can't keep because she has more than enough and wants to keep her husband... So, to keep the dog in the family, mom makes a trek to Charleston with the dog.

Jim, that dog not only changed my wife, but we're convinced he is the reason Petrie is still alive and kicking. She, the dog not my wife, almost instantly started acting younger and friskier. Dogs are pack animals after all...

My wife is happier. She loves Jake, hasn't forgotten Gordon, and all is right with the world.

Jake made such a difference that we now have another Papillon, Elwood. Got him for my birthday last year...

Trust me, Jim, you have room in your heart to love another dog and you would be doing the Chihuahua a favor...


If it helps, I know a woman who breeds Papillons...

[Loralei]

This is my mini Dachshund, Gretchen.
She's now 12 years old.
She's been the constant in my life for a very long time since my husband passed away.
When she goes, I know I'll be a mess.
People who aren't animal people don't understand the grief we feel.

I've been a lifelong dog owner and yes, losing each one hurts very differently.

[Jeff]

Jim animals sure enough know death.

I know you remember when you where down here Jack had those all white cows (Charolais) the oldest one named Granny (due to her age and the fact that she had so many calves still on the property)well Granny died one day, we found her right in the middle of the pasture, talk about grown men cry, Jack his brother and Father all cried, this cow not only made them a bunch of money over the years she had become part of the family. Well we had to bury her so we used the backhoe and dug a big hole and then used the tractor to drag her to the grave, as we did every cow in the pasture went crazy, it was the eeriest feeling I think I have ever felt. If you remember all of their cows where friendly, heck if they got a crazy one it would go straight to the sale or the freezer, but these cows all chased the tractor kicking up their heels and screaming, they stood around us as we buried her. There is no doubt in my mind those cows knew exactly what was going on, once we had her buried they slowly walked away, that made me realize just how smart these dumb animals are.

[jimnyc]

Jim...


First and most importantly, they're your feelings, they can't be wrong.

Second, and I know this will sound wrong but... Get another dog. I know that right now it doesn't feel like the right thing, but it is. You'll be surprised. In 2012, a few months before the Mrs. and I left Albuquerque, we had to relieve the suffering of out Gordon Setter mix. We'd had him since we got together, about 17 years. I cried more for him that I did my father. And why not? I had spent every day for 17 years with that dog. I miss him still...

The thing is, I wanted to get another dog soon after, the Mrs. nixed that idea, she was too sad. She also thought loving another dog was something of a betrayal of her beloved Gordon (yes, we named him Gordon). Anyway... We also had another dog, Petrie, some sort of terrier mix, doesn't matter... She's getting long in the tooth about this time, she's still with us (she's 17 now), but slowing way down... Well, we move to South Carolina. Petrie seems lost, sad, whatever. The Mrs. still says no to another dog... Enter my mom, breeder and shower of champion Papillons... She has one she just can't sell, but can't keep because she has more than enough and wants to keep her husband... So, to keep the dog in the family, mom makes a trek to Charleston with the dog.

Jim, that dog not only changed my wife, but we're convinced he is the reason Petrie is still alive and kicking. She, the dog not my wife, almost instantly started acting younger and friskier. Dogs are pack animals after all...

My wife is happier. She loves Jake, hasn't forgotten Gordon, and all is right with the world.

Jake made such a difference that we now have another Papillon, Elwood. Got him for my birthday last year...

Trust me, Jim, you have room in your heart to love another dog and you would be doing the Chihuahua a favor...


If it helps, I know a woman who breeds Papillons...

Thanks, I appreciate EVERYONE'S posts, but this one got me thinking. I read it last night as a guest and then thought about various things the rest of the night. I'm still kind of grieving of course, and I too have various feelings of betrayal about things. I thought of getting rid of certain things, but then I couldn't. His last bed was starting to be used by Porter shortly thereafter, and the cat didn't waste much time hopping in there either. At first it upset me, but I know my buddy would have been more than happy to share with them, and always did. He had a heart of gold.

I too think it would help Porter to have another dog. I can still remember Jerome, honor him and grieve for him. But the other little guys still need to be happy. As do I!!

The only bad part? The woman has been saying for years that the next dog is her choice. She always said she wanted a larger dog, perhaps a chocolate lab. That's cool though, as even larger dogs have to start small!!

Thanks to all, and thank for this post HJ, it brought a real smile to my face. It actually made me happy for YOU GUYS when I first read it. But it made so much sense that it left me thinking. I'm waiting for the woman to get up to start nagging her!!

[Gunny]

Thanks, I appreciate EVERYONE'S posts, but this one got me thinking. I read it last night as a guest and then thought about various things the rest of the night. I'm still kind of grieving of course, and I too have various feelings of betrayal about things. I thought of getting rid of certain things, but then I couldn't. His last bed was starting to be used by Porter shortly thereafter, and the cat didn't waste much time hopping in there either. At first it upset me, but I know my buddy would have been more than happy to share with them, and always did. He had a heart of gold.

I too think it would help Porter to have another dog. I can still remember Jerome, honor him and grieve for him. But the other little guys still need to be happy. As do I!!

The only bad part? The woman has been saying for years that the next dog is her choice. She always said she wanted a larger dog, perhaps a chocolate lab. That's cool though, as even larger dogs have to start small!!

Thanks to all, and thank for this post HJ, it brought a real smile to my face. It actually made me happy for YOU GUYS when I first read it. But it made so much sense that it left me thinking. I'm waiting for the woman to get up to start nagging her!!

Tell me you didn't get a new puppy ...