Democrat Jokes

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Q: Why is Janet Reno better than the Secret Service?
A: Because there are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President!

[Hagbard Celine]

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A Democrat and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat politician and a leech?
A: A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood.

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a bucket of cow manure?
A: The bucket.

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Two rookie Congressmen, one democrat and one republican, were walking along the street in D.C. They came upon a homeless man asleep on the sidewalk. The Republican woke him up, gave him $20 for something to eat and gave him a lead on where he might get a job. The Democrat was very impressed.

Later they came upon another homeless man. The democrat, not wanting to be outdone, reached into the republican's pocket and took $50 and gave it to the homeless man and then told him where the welfare office was located.

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Bill Clinton and Al Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bill, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."

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George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin.

He says to Bush, "Our largest condom factory has exploded. My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"President. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied President Bush.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said President Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?" said President Bush.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 2" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything!

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company in Texas. "I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia?"

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL" on each one.

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Saddam Hussein and President George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When the President sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches the President in the face. Confused, the President carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again the President carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks George in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on the President's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

The President says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Hagbard Celine]

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Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

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Ariel Sharon visits Hillary Clinton at her mansion in New York.

She wants everything to be perfect so she get the best Kosher chef from NYC and tells him that she wants a traditional Jewish dinner for Mr. Sharon.

As the dinner starts, a bowl of Matzoh Ball soup is placed in front of Hillary.

Hillary is a bit concerned and asks, "What is this?"

Ariel states that it is Matzoh Ball soup and urges her to try it.

With some reluctance, Hillary tries it. It is good, it taste like chicken! After a second spoonful, Hillary asks, "Do you eat the rest of the Matzoh or just the balls?"

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