Bill Clinton Jokes

[nevadamedic]

Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.

Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?"

Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."

[Dilloduck]

Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.

Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?"

Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."

Pretty scared of the Clintons, I see.

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First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks............

Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill....and there's no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded..."Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly), doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet says, "Whenever I feel that a guy's getting ready to make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.....so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"

[nevadamedic]

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ...

OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.

His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

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Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage...."

"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want..."

"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof, and just like that, her ears were gone!

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While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis.

Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.

"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."

Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help.

So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there.

So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?"

The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.

Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"

The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".

[nevadamedic]

Possible Titles for Monica's Autobiography



* "I Suck At My Job" * "What Really Goes Down In The White House" * "How I Blew It In Washington" * "Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President" * "Clear and Present Boner" * "Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule" * "Going Back for Gore" * "Podium Girl" * "Secret Services to the President" * "Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton" * "Deep Inside The Oval Office" * "The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions" * "My Chief of Staff" * "Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes" * "How To Beat Off the Government" * "Going Down and Moving Up" * "Members of the Cabinet" * "Me and My Big Mouth" * "How To Get A Head in Business"

[nevadamedic]

Nixon vs. Clinton



Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: Biggest fear: Cold war
Clinton: Biggest fear: Cold sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: Vice President: Greek
Clinton: Vice President: Geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

Nixon: Known as tricky Dick
Clinton: no difference

Nixon: Ex-president
Clinton: Sex President

...and my #1 favorite:

Nixon: Talked of achieving Peace with honor.
Clinton: Talked of achieving piece while on her.

[nevadamedic]

Oz

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard of OZ.

When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked "where's Dorothy?"

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Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

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A recent poll of 2000 women were asked the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

94% responded "Never again!"

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A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

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Top 10 Proposed Closing Arguments in the Matter of United State

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq., here are the top 10 proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States vs. William Jefferson Clinton:

10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

1. If the s** is just oral, it is not really immoral

[nevadamedic]

Greetings prospective White House interns!

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!


Sounds like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."

-- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.

Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov


Name: _________________________

Hometown: _____________________

Sex: F_____ Age: __

Measurements: __ __

(required for medical purposes)

How many beers it takes to get you...

...Giggly:

...Drunk:

...Hot:

...To lie to a federal prosecutor:



Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

Uncle Sam wants you.

*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

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Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship

10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote"

7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand

6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his "subpoena"

4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff

3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair

2. Have president introduce you to his "special investigator"...

... and the number one benefit of a White House internship...

1. Find out what a politician means when he says he's been polling his constituents!