"I was out tonight at a local restaurant when an urge so powerful hit that I had to use a public restroom. I have driven home standing at a 45 degree angle in full clinch with beads of sweat pouring off on me in order to avoid a seat of a thousand asses and the spray of all those bad shots.


This thing was happening. While holding on for dear life, I cleansed the seat and built an ass gasket out of napkins I grabbed on my way in.


My business started. I still felt a remainder was left so I sat a little longer in hopes of full victory. I don't like dirty sequels.


....then it happened. That fornicating timed light went off. This was not just dark, this was the grave darkness. There I was, not finished and the last thing I wanted to do was the wet starfish glide by braille.


I hatched a brilliant scheme. I would wad up toilet paper and hurl it out of the stall and trigger the sensor.


It was not working.


Then I realized I was spending, quickly, the only roll of butt wipe available to me. I either had to stop my attempts as the Charmin grenadier or risk going home without my socks.


Under the light of an Iphone, I finished my business. Metering out each dose of tissue as though it were made of gold. As the gentle hold of glue was broken on what was the last pass, no matter what, I saw the all clear.


As I exited the stall, the light came on, and like little land mines all over the bathroom, there were little balls of failed hope everywhere. THEN someone walked in and commented "Why do people do stupid stuff like this?"


I just responded, "I dont know." as I headed for the door."