Results 1 to 14 of 14
  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    USA, Southern
    Posts
    27,683
    Thanks (Given)
    32441
    Thanks (Received)
    17532
    Likes (Given)
    3631
    Likes (Received)
    3156
    Piss Off (Given)
    21
    Piss Off (Received)
    2
    Mentioned
    58 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475257

    Default My newest critic strikes!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tyr-Ziu Saxnot View Post
    The Dark Curse, The Monster and His Act Of Vengeance Averted

    He killed a loud squirrel, hungry hawk and silent mouse
    Tossed them in a black bag along with six dead toads
    By midnight moon took all to the old hag witch's house
    Hidden deep in oak grove at the junction of three roads.

    Anticipating that terrible curse he vowed to have laid
    As good measure he had managed to get a demon's horn
    The old witch demanded such strange things to be paid
    As the down payment before her evil curse was to be born.

    Caring not at all for what she demanded he buy or steal
    He filled with hate, would have a Halloween blood bath
    Only pain and blackened hate could his heart now feel
    He glorified in this dark curse that would satisfy his wrath.

    Deed done, he silently and slowing walked in his glee
    Mouth watering when he thought of her great coming pain
    Suddenly springing from behind a massive black oak tree
    A dark creature fed by his hate and evil accursed stain.

    Sudden intense fear, shook him to his sad and black core
    Why was this cursed creature now growling and eying him
    Had not the old witch given the monster its dark chore
    Or was this monster's mind and eyesight truly that dim?

    Quick as a flash he drew his trusty razor sharp blade
    Now sensing the coming attack was mere seconds away
    He realized the double crossing deal the hag had made
    For it came to him, that the monster was about to be paid!

    Too late to talk, he screamed, come on you damn demon spawn
    I have blood in my eyes, and yes, I sold your damn horn
    You'll lie stone dead upon the ground before light of dawn
    I swear by the hair on my head and life of my first born!

    Only then did the massive dark monster laugh and speak
    Saying,"you made your damn deal but I made mine much better"
    I love most to cut up and then eat the helpless and weak
    Your baby firstborn daughter,I was hungry,I already ate her!

    Rage leaped into his head,his sword cut out a mighty slash
    The monster in pain slashed with is long claws, as it withdrew
    He knew his anger and red-hot hate had made him far too rash
    As monster's fangs,yellow eyes, and wicked head then regrew.

    Next he heard the sound of the old hag witch's laugh there
    The monster charged screaming out in hag's best cursing voice
    Your dark heart and burning hate doomed you when in my lair
    By the Dark Lord's black power you will now die for your choice!

    And with that she lunged and snatched out his still beating heart
    This was always her final payment for her cursing dark deeds
    The hateful man and his first born 's death were on her evil chart
    And such hatred always brought blood and death in its seeds!

    Down in the dead man's village , a lone house filled in drying blood
    All the monster had left was his daughter's small hands and toes
    Then a wicked, dark rain brought down its deepest fast flowing flood
    Washing away the darkness ,evil and hate thats how the story goes.

    Robert J. Lindley , 09-22-2015

    Note. -Written for my son, his early dark Halloween story as I promised this weekend.
    Better tad late than never..
    The poem shown, I wrote yesterday for my son Justin(8 years old). He read it and stated he liked it.
    This morning after sleeping on it he decided to talk to me about it. I had no clue that he was a critic!
    First he asked me why did - I THINK THE POEM WAS GOOD. I replied, "rhymes well, tells a scary story and ends well(with bad guy dead).
    Little did I know that I had made a bad judgment but he told me so soon enough.

    First says the little critic- rhymes ok but does not end well dad.
    Shocked I asked why.
    He said, the bad guy was killed by the monster but so was his innocent baby daughter!
    That part floored me.
    Then he said, the old hag witch and monster did not die and they live to kill others later--thats bad dad!
    Again I was floored. First his points were quite good and secondly realizing how deeply he thought about that poem.
    I myself had missed both those important points in my haste to complete the poem.

    However, he was not done yet. He then said, and why did you write the monster ate the little girl, you could have said he captured her and then the dad wins the fight to rescue her!
    Crap, I missed that theme myself!

    At this point, I kindly reminded him that we poets/storytellers always have our critics. And he should understand we are often quite sensitive about such criticisms.
    Without missing a beat he said, "ok daddy but next time ask me to help you, like I do when my homework is too hard!

    And that my friends was the kick in the pants that I deserved for chiding an 8 year old on his honest views on my latest poem!

    I have no clue if he will turn out to be a poet/writer or not , I but am sure he could make a damn fine critic one day if he decided to take that path!
    Last edited by Tyr-Ziu Saxnot; 09-23-2015 at 09:39 AM.
    18 U.S. Code § 2381-Treason Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    The Republic of Texas
    Posts
    47,819
    Thanks (Given)
    34251
    Thanks (Received)
    26352
    Likes (Given)
    2315
    Likes (Received)
    9915
    Piss Off (Given)
    0
    Piss Off (Received)
    12
    Mentioned
    368 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475524

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tyr-Ziu Saxnot View Post
    The poem shown, I wrote yesterday for my son Justin(8 years old). He read it and stated he liked it.
    This morning after sleeping on it he decided to talk to me about it. I had no clue that he was a critic!
    First he asked me why did - I THINK THE POEM WAS GOOD. I replied, "rhymes well, tells a scary story and ends well(with bad guy dead).
    Little did I know that I had made a bad judgment but he told me so soon enough.

    First says the little critic- rhymes ok but does not end well dad.
    Shocked I asked why.
    He said, the bad guy was killed by the monster but so was his innocent baby daughter!
    That part floored me.
    Then he said, the old hag witch and monster did not die and they live to kill others later--thats bad dad!
    Again I was floored. First his points were quite good and secondly realizing how deeply he thought about that poem.
    I myself had missed both those important points in my haste to complete the poem.

    However, he was not done yet. He then said, and why did you write the monster ate the little girl, you could have said he captured her and then the dad wins the fight to rescue her!
    Crap, I missed that theme myself!

    At this point, I kindly reminded him that we poets/storytellers always have our critics. And he should understand we are often quite sensitive about such criticisms.
    Without missing a beat he said, "ok daddy but next time ask me to help you, like I do when my homework is too hard!

    And that my friends was the kick in the pants that I deserved for chiding an 8 year old on his honest views on my latest poem!

    I have no clue if he will turn out to be a poet/writer or not , I but am sure he could make a damn fine critic one day if he decided to take that path!

    Don't mess with kids. They'll nail you EVERY time.
    “When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.” Edumnd Burke

  3. Thanks Tyr-Ziu Saxnot, Drummond thanked this post
  4. #3
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    USA, Southern
    Posts
    27,683
    Thanks (Given)
    32441
    Thanks (Received)
    17532
    Likes (Given)
    3631
    Likes (Received)
    3156
    Piss Off (Given)
    21
    Piss Off (Received)
    2
    Mentioned
    58 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475257

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Gunny View Post
    Don't mess with kids. They'll nail you EVERY time.
    TRUE AND WITH NAIVE BUT BRUTAL HONESTY TOO!--TYR

    MY BIG FEAR IS THAT , PERHAPS THIS AFTERNOON AFTER SCHOOL HE ASKS ME TO EDIT IT TO GO WITH HIS DESIRED ENDING!!!!--

    IF SO, THIS WRITER WILL JUST HAVE TO PUT HIS FOOT DOWN!
    18 U.S. Code § 2381-Treason Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

  5. Thanks Gunny, Drummond thanked this post
  6. #4
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    USA, Southern
    Posts
    27,683
    Thanks (Given)
    32441
    Thanks (Received)
    17532
    Likes (Given)
    3631
    Likes (Received)
    3156
    Piss Off (Given)
    21
    Piss Off (Received)
    2
    Mentioned
    58 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475257

    Default

    Now after telling my darling wife about Justin's criticisms of my hastily written poem ,I get this from her!
    "Well, why don't you let Justin help you with your poems?"


    Today just ain't my day.....-Tyr
    18 U.S. Code § 2381-Treason Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

  7. Thanks Gunny, SassyLady, Drummond thanked this post
  8. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    16,760
    Thanks (Given)
    94
    Thanks (Received)
    1751
    Likes (Given)
    7
    Likes (Received)
    165
    Piss Off (Given)
    0
    Piss Off (Received)
    13
    Mentioned
    54 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    9306079

    Default

    Kids can be quite savage with their criticisms. My daughter asked my husband to critique one of essays for an English assignment last year. When he did so, she rejected it and stated that he obviously didn't understand what she was trying to say.

    Moral of the story: Never ask a kid for his advice. It's never what you want it to be.

  9. Thanks Abbey Marie, Tyr-Ziu Saxnot thanked this post
  10. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    The Republic of Texas
    Posts
    47,819
    Thanks (Given)
    34251
    Thanks (Received)
    26352
    Likes (Given)
    2315
    Likes (Received)
    9915
    Piss Off (Given)
    0
    Piss Off (Received)
    12
    Mentioned
    368 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475524

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by gabosaurus View Post
    Kids can be quite savage with their criticisms. My daughter asked my husband to critique one of essays for an English assignment last year. When he did so, she rejected it and stated that he obviously didn't understand what she was trying to say.

    Moral of the story: Never ask a kid for his advice. It's never what you want it to be.
    Hell, that sounds likes one of your posts.
    “When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.” Edumnd Burke

  11. Thanks Drummond, NightTrain thanked this post
  12. #7
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    USA, Southern
    Posts
    27,683
    Thanks (Given)
    32441
    Thanks (Received)
    17532
    Likes (Given)
    3631
    Likes (Received)
    3156
    Piss Off (Given)
    21
    Piss Off (Received)
    2
    Mentioned
    58 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475257

    Default

    New one for Justin......

    Halloween And Bloody Body Parts On Roast


    Soul saving, mad ravings shine without stars
    dead thoughts spin upon a dark wheel.
    Bluest blind eyes stored in large pickle jars
    deep cuts, gladly met with a squeal.
    Dark rooms full of gore and bloody dead things
    treasures a monster loves to collect.
    Hands rotting, fingers still holding gold rings
    nasty and dusty from beast's neglect.

    New additions, coming soon on Halloween night
    boys and girls, their cut off bloody ears.
    Monster does far more than just terrible fright
    to instill in the kids deep ghastly fears!

    This night, brings out goblins, ghouls and ghosts
    human body parts, on fires these monsters roast!

    Robert J. Lindley, 09-25-2015

    Note- Written for my son Justin tonight.
    He asked me to write another very scary one
    for Halloween
    18 U.S. Code § 2381-Treason Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

  13. Thanks Drummond thanked this post
  14. #8
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    USA, Southern
    Posts
    27,683
    Thanks (Given)
    32441
    Thanks (Received)
    17532
    Likes (Given)
    3631
    Likes (Received)
    3156
    Piss Off (Given)
    21
    Piss Off (Received)
    2
    Mentioned
    58 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475257

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tyr-Ziu Saxnot View Post
    New one for Justin......

    Halloween And Bloody Body Parts On Roast


    Soul saving, mad ravings shine without stars
    dead thoughts spin upon a dark wheel.
    Bluest blind eyes stored in large pickle jars
    deep cuts, gladly met with a squeal.
    Dark rooms full of gore and bloody dead things
    treasures a monster loves to collect.
    Hands rotting, fingers still holding gold rings
    nasty and dusty from beast's neglect.

    New additions, coming soon on Halloween night
    boys and girls, their cut off bloody ears.
    Monster does far more than just terrible fright
    to instill in the kids deep ghastly fears!

    This night, brings out goblins, ghouls and ghosts
    human body parts, on fires these monsters roast!

    Robert J. Lindley, 09-25-2015

    Note- Written for my son Justin tonight.
    He asked me to write another very scary one
    for Halloween
    This morn the little critic strikes yet again!

    First he asks, why did they cut off their ears if they roast and eat the kids later?

    I had no answer ready for that......

    Then he asks, why do you always let the monster live?? Don't you know the monsters are supposed to die in the end??

    Now my friends, I only see one way to stop this "madness"!

    I got to write a Halloween poem that the kids win, the monster dies and the sun shines ever so brightly on the happy survivors..................with no sacrificed babies or roasted body parts! --Tyr
    18 U.S. Code § 2381-Treason Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

  15. Thanks NightTrain, Drummond thanked this post
  16. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Wasilla, Alaska
    Posts
    13,988
    Thanks (Given)
    8494
    Thanks (Received)
    15307
    Likes (Given)
    3307
    Likes (Received)
    3829
    Piss Off (Given)
    27
    Piss Off (Received)
    4
    Mentioned
    201 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475184

    Default

    Well... sooner or later he's going to learn the hard truth that :


    Sometimes the Dragon wins!

    Attached Images Attached Images
    Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum

  17. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Mid Atlantic
    Posts
    1,773
    Thanks (Given)
    2091
    Thanks (Received)
    2904
    Likes (Given)
    1111
    Likes (Received)
    1238
    Piss Off (Given)
    2
    Piss Off (Received)
    0
    Mentioned
    74 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    15439906

    Default

    Kids are great for getting down to the most basic questions. Good job of sincere critiquing by your son!

  18. Thanks Tyr-Ziu Saxnot, Drummond thanked this post
  19. #11
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Mid Atlantic
    Posts
    1,773
    Thanks (Given)
    2091
    Thanks (Received)
    2904
    Likes (Given)
    1111
    Likes (Received)
    1238
    Piss Off (Given)
    2
    Piss Off (Received)
    0
    Mentioned
    74 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    15439906

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NightTrain View Post
    Well... sooner or later he's going to learn the hard truth that :


    Sometimes the Dragon wins!


    That is hilarious... I love the way the knight's right hand is still holding on to the lance.

  20. Thanks NightTrain, Tyr-Ziu Saxnot, LongTermGuy thanked this post
  21. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Wasilla, Alaska
    Posts
    13,988
    Thanks (Given)
    8494
    Thanks (Received)
    15307
    Likes (Given)
    3307
    Likes (Received)
    3829
    Piss Off (Given)
    27
    Piss Off (Received)
    4
    Mentioned
    201 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475184

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Russ View Post
    That is hilarious... I love the way the knight's right hand is still holding on to the lance.

    Yeah, that picture always cracked me up!
    Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum

  22. Thanks Tyr-Ziu Saxnot thanked this post
  23. #13
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    USA, Southern
    Posts
    27,683
    Thanks (Given)
    32441
    Thanks (Received)
    17532
    Likes (Given)
    3631
    Likes (Received)
    3156
    Piss Off (Given)
    21
    Piss Off (Received)
    2
    Mentioned
    58 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475257

    Default

    Thanks for the inspiring break my friend. Found only because I raced here to post the completed part of my in process, ongoing poem to meet Justin's critical demands!

    Now back to the creative grind. I am not usually happy when I am forced to write an ending others choose but my son deserves it methinks.-Tyr
    18 U.S. Code § 2381-Treason Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

  24. Thanks Drummond, LongTermGuy thanked this post
  25. #14
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    USA, Southern
    Posts
    27,683
    Thanks (Given)
    32441
    Thanks (Received)
    17532
    Likes (Given)
    3631
    Likes (Received)
    3156
    Piss Off (Given)
    21
    Piss Off (Received)
    2
    Mentioned
    58 Post(s)
    Rep Power
    21475257

    Default

    JUSTIN NOW INFORMS ME THAT ALL MY NEW POEMS ARE BORING. HE SAYS I SHOULD BE WRITING ABOUT ninja Turtles, Mario, and a few others I can not even remember their names.
    WHO KNOWS , MAYBE HE HAS A POINT... --Tyr
    18 U.S. Code § 2381-Treason Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

  26. Thanks Drummond, LongTermGuy thanked this post

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Debate Policy - Political Forums