Why I don't like apologies (give nor receive)

[tailfins]

For starters, they don't communicate any plan or action. Secondly, they don't acknowledge anything. I would MUCH rather hear "You have a valid point and I will give it serious consideration." To make it even stronger, a plan of action to fix the problem means progress. The strongest and best of these is "It won't happen again." What's worse is DEMANDING an apology of somebody. What that amounts to is demanding that somebody submit to you. I would much rather receive an acknowledgement that a given adverse action is a problem and a guarantee it won't happen again.

[Motown]

I'll accept an apology if I believe it's sincere but you're right, you can't undo what's already been done and I've found that most apologies I've received haven't been sincere which just makes things worse. I rarely offer apologies because I'm rarely sorry.

[darin]

I tell my kids to NEVER say they are sorry. I tell them to BE sorry. Never apologize somebody 'got hurt'; instead empathize and confess sorry at 'hurting them'.

We (society) teach our kids by and large to avoid responsibility. When I hear parents scold their kids "Now...say you're sorry!" to a peer or sibling I cringe inside.

Our society has no hope. We're doomed, honestly.

[gabosaurus]

[tailfins]

I tell my kids to NEVER say they are sorry. I tell them to BE sorry. Never apologize somebody 'got hurt'; instead empathize and confess sorry at 'hurting them'.

We (society) teach our kids by and large to avoid responsibility. When I hear parents scold their kids "Now...say you're sorry!" to a peer or sibling I cringe inside.

Our society has no hope. We're doomed, honestly.

This empathizing business is like nailing Jell-O to a wall. I acknowledge that something is an adverse action, communicate how I understand that's a problem, then remember how said action is costly to the person expressing the concern. There's no need to express being "wrong". Just acknowledging that is a given action is costly to a specific person and avoiding that specific action to that specific person should be enough. "It won't happen again" is much better than "I'm sorry".

[Abbey Marie]

A sincere heartfelt apology is cool. If you have to ask for it, not so much.

[Perianne]

I have apologized many times when I have hurt someone.

[Gunny]

If an apology is sincere, it is acceptable. If it's cut n paste on a screen, by some worm, no. I apologize when I feel I have wronged someone. Simple as that. I expect the same.

But I take a cut n paste apology about like I take "we support the troops". If you don't mean it, don't bother.

[hjmick]

The people who matter know I don't apologize unless I truly believe I was wrong. Knowing this, they appreciate it more when it happens.


To have a blanket no apology policy strikes me as pig headed and arrogant.

[Gunny]

The people who matter know I don't apologize unless I truly believe I was wrong. Knowing this, they appreciate it more when it happens.


To have a blanket no apology policy strikes me as pig headed and arrogant.

When TF have YOU ever apologized to anyone?

[tailfins]

When TF have YOU ever apologized to anyone?

The closest you'll get from me is "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."

[Abbey Marie]

The closest you'll get from me is "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."

Lol, I don't think that Gunny's "TF" meant tailfins.

[jimnyc]

I'll apologize when I feel it's necessary. I've been known to do so here a time or fifty.

But I would never give an apology if a public demand is given for one. That instantly takes all sincerity out of any potential gesture and turns it into some type of submission. Either someone WANTS to apologize or they don't. I try and reserve them for when someone is truly harmed by what I have done, and I truly feel remorseful.

[revelarts]

The closest you'll get from me is "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."

I'm not sure who that works universally exactly.

hypothetical #1.
You leave the house, get in your car, look behind you and the way seems clear.
You back out of your driveway running over the neighbors seeing eye dog that your kids had invited over to play with.

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

hypothetical #2.
your on a bus. A man has 2 young kids running wild screaming pushing others, knocking papers, taking phones and generally behaving badly.
You speak harshly to the kids and then give the Father some too.
The father says. "well we just came from the hospital their mother just died. i guess we aren't ourselves."

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

hypothetical #3.
Your kid comes home and says 'Dad you forget to pay tuition fee x and because of that I lost my spot in the college i've been dreaming of for 3 years.'

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

hypothetical #4.
you're an H.R. person at a research hospital that thrives on cutting edge work. They're are 2 new research candidates up for an open spot. One is clearly a bit more innovative than the other but he's Muslim or black or Mexican or a Woman or a Black Mexican Muslim woman. And you don't like that. OR you just want the poor white male to have the spot since the world is against him in general. Or some similar reason having to do with race, sex, religion nationality.
But 2 years later the Black Mexican Muslim Woman researcher is getting a nobel prize while the the guy you hired is barely treading water.

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

hypothetical #5.
police shoot the wrong guy dead after a robbery because he made several wrong assumptions about the innocent man.

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

hypothetical #6.
Carelessly bumping into someone hard, breaking their glasses and phone.

Even there saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again." doesn't seem to cut it.


To me an apology is simply an acknowledgment that I'm at fault to some degree for some pain or injury and
that i feel some honest empathy or sympathy for the trouble i've caused.
And It's is offered to let the affected party know that you had no --or regret any-- malicious intent.

[tailfins]

See the additions marked A: for your reply.

I'm not sure who that works universally exactly.

A: You get out your checkbook. You owe compensation.
hypothetical #1.
You leave the house, get in your car, look behind you and the way seems clear.
You back out of your driveway running over the neighbors seeing eye dog that your kids had invited over to play with.

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

A: I understand
hypothetical #2.
your on a bus. A man has 2 young kids running wild screaming pushing others, knocking papers, taking phone generally behaving badly.
You speak harshly to the kids and then give the Father some too.
The father says. "well we just came from the hospital their mother just died. i guess we aren't ourselves."

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

A: Do everything in your power to undo the damage
hypothetical #3.
Your kid comes home and says 'Dad you forget to pay tuition fee x and because of that I lost my spot in the college i've been dreaming of for 3 years.'

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

A: Learn your lesson and don't repeat.
hypothetical #4.
you're an H.R. person at a research hospital that thrives on cutting edge work. They're are 2 new research candidates up for an open spot. One is clearly a bit more innovative than the other but he's Muslim or black or Mexican or a Woman or a Black Mexican Muslim woman. And you don't like that. OR you just want the poor white male to have the spot since the world is against him in general. Or some similar reason having to do with race, sex, religion nationality.
But 2 years later the Black Mexican Muslim Woman researcher is getting a nobel prize while the the guy you hired is barely treading water.

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

A: The act can't be undone. The only thing left is compensation.
hypothetical #5.
police shoot the wrong guy dead after a robbery because he made several wrong assumptions about the innocent man.

saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again."
doesn't seem to cut it.

A: Again, it's time to get out the checkbook and provide compensation.
hypothetical #6.
Carelessly bumping into someone hard, breaking their glasses and phone.

Even there saying "I see how that's a problem." or "It won't happen again." doesn't seem to cut it.


To me an apology is simply an acknowledgment that I'm at fault to some degree for some pain or injury and
that i feel some honest empathy or sympathy for the trouble i've caused.
And It's is offered to let the affected party know that you had no --or regret any-- malicious intent.