Southern Culture Classes: Now Open

[Hobbit]

Upon the realization that the South is better, many 'Yankees' have been migrating down here in droves, but are having trouble adapting to southern culture. In response, some places are offering classes in southern culture to allow northerners to adapt.

http://www.wtlv.com/news/strange/new...?storyid=75380

The article features a top ten list written by a stupid Yankee, so allow me to reprint with corrections and elaborations.

#10: Don't be in a hurry. It won't help.

Or, at least, it usually won't. Besides, most people here don't care if you're a little late.

#9: Remember: "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Written by a stupid Yankee who just doesn't get it. 'Y'all' is plural and is a contraction of 'you all.' 'All y'all' is a more inclusive version, going beyond plural and including everyone within earshot. 'Y'all's' is plural possessive, but is rarely used.

#8: If you hear a southern say "hey y'all, watch this!," get away. Those are probably his last words.

Probably not his last words, but it's safer to keep your distance, nonetheless.

#7: We don't' use turn signals and we ignore those who do.

Well, we do, but not a lot and in a different way. Signaling for a lane change in Atlanta is a signal for the guy behind you in the destination lane to go ahead and go around you before you move.

#6: In the north, women have two last names. In the south EVERYONE has two first names.

Mostly false, though it isn't uncommon.

#5: The improper pronunciations you learned all through school....don't work here.

True. Stay here long enough and you may learn how to talk right.

#4: Save all manner of bacon grease you will be instructed on how to use it later.

It has more uses than flour.

#3: Just because you can drive on the snow doesn't mean we can't stay home on the two days a year it snows.

A single snowflake sticking to the ground is sufficient cause for panic. Anticipation of such a blizzard will lead to a rise in milk, bread, and egg sales, because nothing's better on a cold winter morning than french toast.

Edit: On the other hand, we'll do back-breaking manual labor in 100+ degree weather. Thank the Lord for iced tea (which, by the way, must contain enough sugar to cause hyperglycemic shock. Unsweetened tea is a Yankee drink).

#2: If you run your car into a ditch, just wait. Four men in a pick-up with a tow hitch will be along soon. Just stay outta their way, It's what they live for.

False. It's usually just two men. There's also a good chance they'll offer you some sort of tobacco product to consume while they work. Either way, they'll pull you out for free, and in about half the time a tow truck takes.

...and the number one tip for a northerner moving to the south...

Don't be worried that you don't understand us...We don't understand you either.

Just roll with it. If you hear a southerner repeat him/herself three or four times without a break in the conversation, just smile and nod. They do that after becoming accustomed to repeating themselves for Yankees who don't understand what they're saying.

There's also one more tidbit about southerners everyone should know. Southerners make fun of other southern states. Georgia rips on Alabama. Alabama rips on Mississippi. Arkansas is surrounded by inferior states, and thus rips on Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Texas. Texas rips on everybody. Tennessee rips on Kentucky. Well, you get the picture. However, any southerner would prefer any southern state to any northern state...except Florida. Florida sucks.

[Hagbard Celine]

#10: Don't be in a hurry. It won't help.

I respectfully disagree. I was born and raised in the south and I'm in a hurry most of the time and most of the time it helps me stay on time.

#9: Remember: "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Only people with down syndrome use ya'll in a singular sense. I rarely say "all ya'll," but I use "ya'll's" daily. Sometimes I go for the "you all" when I'm affecting the ol' antebellum accent.

#8: If you hear a southern say "hey y'all, watch this!," get away. Those are probably his last words.

Haha, this is true. Give him atleast ten feet to do whatever it is that he's gonna do.

#7: We don't' use turn signals and we ignore those who do.

This is bullsh*t. Only worthless savages don't use their turn signals. This pisses me off. It's rude and dangerous to not use them!

#6: In the north, women have two last names. In the south EVERYONE has two first names.

I have a first and MIDDLE name. Who wrote this garbage article? Some pansy city boy who's never spent more than thirty minutes outside in his life.

#5: The proper pronunciations you learned all through school....don't work here.

F*ck you author of this article. There are people in the south who use proper diction.

#4: Save all manner of bacon grease you will be instructed on how to use it later.

Again, f*ck you. It's not the south's fault that you've never eaten anything that wasn't from a kosher deli.

#3: Just because you can drive on the snow doesn't mean we can stay home on the two days a year it snows.

Snow days are awesome. We are better than you.

#2: If you run your car into a ditch, just wait. Four men in a pick-up with a tow hitch will be along soon. Just stay outta their way, It's what they live for.

Oh yeah, those boys'll help you. That's the difference between southerners and lap dog city-boy yankees. We excercise a little idea called being a good Christian.

...and the number one tip for a northerner moving to the south...

Don't be worried that you don't understand us...We don't understand you either.

If you say "yous guys" we'll rip on you. You've been warned.

[5stringJeff]

Texas rips on everybody.

Damn straight - we earned it! When's the last time your state won a war for independence?

[Hobbit]

Damn straight - we earned it! When's the last time your state won a war for independence?

And who came in to help during that little war, might I ask?

[5stringJeff]

And who came in to help during that little war, might I ask?

Many Tennessean volunteers, among them Davy Crockett. Many of the survivors settled in Texas.

Two cannon came from Cincinatti, Ohio, IIRC.

However, Texian (as they were called back then) settlers comprised most of the army. And Texas is the only state (after the Revolution, of course) to fight its own war for independence.

[Hagbard Celine]

Many Tennessean volunteers, among them Davy Crockett. Many of the survivors settled in Texas.

Two cannon came from Cincinatti, Ohio, IIRC.

However, Texian (as they were called back then) settlers comprised most of the army. And Texas is the only state (after the Revolution, of course) to fight its own war for independence.

I liked Texas better when their state motto was "drive friendly" and before I visited Houston. :thumbsdown:

[jackass]

I dont know...being a Yankee down here...that article rang pretty true to me!

[Mr. P]

I think the yanks should just stay up-north where they're happy. Problem solved. This ain't the North, it's not about how 'we did it in...blah'. BBQ and fried Chicken are common here not Brisket or dry pot roast! Why would you want to rub shoulders with a redneck anyway? What's wrong with you people?

Stay the fuck home or just kept on going South to Florida!

[jackass]

I think the yanks should just stay up-north where they're happy. Problem solved. This ain't the North, it's not about how 'we did it in...blah'. BBQ and fried Chicken are common here not Brisket or dry pot roast! Why would you want to rub shoulders with a redneck anyway? What's wrong with you people?

Stay the fuck home or just kept on going South to Florida!

Testy testy testy!!
Nothing wrong with BBQ and fried chicken!!