Russians are joking

[Balu]

Russian joke - With the departure of Obama a black stripe in the US will disappear. (a joke on the brink of a foul)

[Balu]

- Do you know the difference between an erudite man and non erudite?
- Yes, I do.
- ?
- The erudite knows the difference between Gogol and Hegel, Hegel and Bebel, Bebel and Babel, Babel and cable, cable and a male dog, a male dog and a bitch. And non erudite knows only the latter.
(In Russian words cable and male dog are consonant and differ only by one vowel - кабель/кобель)

[Balu]

Two friends met. One asks:
- I heard you got a new job and how well, are you satisfied with it?
- I do not know.
- Well... look. When you go to work and see beautiful young girls, what do you think about?
- To flirt ...
- And when you are returning back home after work?
- Faster would come to a sofa and relax.
- So, you are satisfied.

[Balu]

- What will be the price of big Mac in NYC in 2020?
- 1.5 rubles.

[Balu]

The International Violin Competition passed. The prize was a violin of Stradivari. There were two participants from the Soviet Union . One took the second place, the second was the last but one.
After the competition they sat in a hotel room and the first was lamenting.
- Oh, if I would have picked out the wrong note, the violin could be mine ...
The second man answered
- Don't be so disappointed. It does not deserve you were so upset
First:
- You see, for me the violin of Stradivari is the same as the revolver of Dzerzhinsky for you.

[Balu]

"But I've been sorry for Bill - he so much wanted to be the First Lady ..."

[GravyBoat]

Those jokes are so funny, in America when a joke is very funny, we forget to laugh. So those jokes will get laughs when I remember them again sometime.

[Balu]

This story took place during the Cold War on the border of Germany and East Germany. Brilliant heads of designers from Germany found a very original way to test their tanks in the 'real' environment - autonomously controlled car slipped under our guns, getting on the nerves of a frontier guard.
Those, in turn, also did their best - the new missiles were developed fairly regularly. Germans dragged back destroyed tank by a cable attached to it, and studied the damage, trying to maximize it's invulnerability. Time went on, the progress, too. One day, another one of the neighbors' tanks got a new, super cool shell directly on the bonce, but the tank was not killed, as it had been before, survived and was successfully towed back-home.
Naturally, our Command disliked this situation. They invited several eminent engineers and put them a task - to come up with something that can calm down Germans. Engineers were savvy and highly experienced people. The solution was found very easily ...
- Comrades, let us piss of this infection from the old model of air defense gun?
No sooner said than done! They dragged the old air defense cannon, designed to cut off enemy air-crafts at altitudes of up to ten kilometers (such gun were before the missiles were used) ...
The cannon was terrible! The length of the barrel was about 10 meters + specially designed kinetic solid projectile. It was installed without any changes on a concrete pedestal, only the barrel was not deployed upwards and as it should be. So, the hour has come. ...
Another German tank brazenly stepped where it should not have been, we uncovered a new 'toy' and fired. No one of academicians expected such an effect!
The tank was hit not in the literal sense of the word. It looked like a 60-ton piece of iron "blown" out of it's seat. Heavy tank was broken into fragments, which, obeying natural laws, flew to the "home" on their own without any tow ...
Since then, NATO has abandoned their beloved habit to test new technology on the border with Soviet troops.

[NightTrain]

This story took place during the Cold War on the border of Germany and East Germany. Brilliant heads of designers from Germany found a very original way to test their tanks in the 'real' environment - autonomously controlled car slipped under our guns, getting on the nerves of a frontier guard.
Those, in turn, also did their best - the new missiles were developed fairly regularly. Germans dragged back destroyed tank by a cable attached to it, and studied the damage, trying to maximize it's invulnerability. Time went on, the progress, too. One day, another one of the neighbors' tanks got a new, super cool shell directly on the bonce, but the tank was not killed, as it had been before, survived and was successfully towed back-home.
Naturally, our Command disliked this situation. They invited several eminent engineers and put them a task - to come up with something that can calm down Germans. Engineers were savvy and highly experienced people. The solution was found very easily ...
- Comrades, let us piss of this infection from the old model of air defense gun?
No sooner said than done! They dragged the old air defense cannon, designed to cut off enemy air-crafts at altitudes of up to ten kilometers (such gun were before the missiles were used) ...
The cannon was terrible! The length of the barrel was about 10 meters + specially designed kinetic solid projectile. It was installed without any changes on a concrete pedestal, only the barrel was not deployed upwards and as it should be. So, the hour has come. ...
Another German tank brazenly stepped where it should not have been, we uncovered a new 'toy' and fired. No one of academicians expected such an effect!
The tank was hit not in the literal sense of the word. It looked like a 60-ton piece of iron "blown" out of it's seat. Heavy tank was broken into fragments, which, obeying natural laws, flew to the "home" on their own without any tow ...
Since then, NATO has abandoned their beloved habit to test new technology on the border with Soviet troops.

True story?

[Balu]

True story?

Lord knows but never says.
As to me it looks like a soldier's tale.

[CSM]

Lord knows but never says.
As to me it looks like a soldier's tale.

I like war stories! This one reminded me of the German 88s during WWII ... not that I was in WWII

[Balu]

A joke of Soviet times.
A janitor who was sweeping a courtyard was very similar to Karl Marx. Once the District Secretary of the Communist Party saw him sweeping and asked whether he knew of his resemblance to one of the founders of the Theory of Communism? The janitor replied that he did. The Secretary said that it was awkward and offered him to get his beard shaved. The janitor replied - No problems! But what to do with my brains?

[Balu]

A married couple is lying in bed
Husband
- We have been married for a month. Tell me how many men you totally had?
- What for?
- Well, I'm just wondering. Do trust me, I will never reproach you in future.
- OK, Dear. Seven.
- Oh, seven nowadays means nothing. So, I am the seventh.
- No. You are the third.

[Balu]

- May a 'color revolution' occur in the USA?
- No! Never!
- Why?
- Because there is no an American Embassy in the USA.
-------------------------------------
To clarify. Can you imagine Russian transport aircrafts landing with tons of cash in JFK airport, the American Liberals visiting Russian Embassy for financing and the Assistant of Minister Lavrov distributing cookie among the protesting demonstrators in NY city?

[Balu]

Monya from Israel is calling to his friend in Odessa:
- Senya, what is going on in Ukraine?
- Oh, Ukraine has a little war with Russia ...
- You might have suffered losses?
- Yes, there are some ... Ukraine has lost the Crimea, a couple of areas, several airplanes and helicopters, tanks, some armored combat vehicles, some artillery and munition, and a lot of casualties ...
- And what about Russians?
- Monya, but you won't believe, but Russian still has not arrived to this war ...