Living with Bipolar

[jimnyc]

There are times that I convince myself that living with bipolar disorder isn't a bad thing at all. I get on the "highs" and can be up for 20 hours per day, and absolutely love it. I get creative, can work on like 7 of my websites at a time, can't wait to wake up, and hate going to sleep. I feel unbeatable, even though I know I am of course. I really really look forward to doing things, even want to move them and time up if I can

But then come the down times, and my pitfalls. Ever KNOW you do something wrong in life, and then repeat it? Not so bad right? But how about if you do something wrong, do so more than once over a week. It builds and you explode, maybe even more than once. Then I may take my medication at night and realize it later when I calm a little. Or sometimes the next morning when I wake, before I immerse myself into buckets of coffee.

This has been an MO of mine for many many years. I WANT so desperately to NOT do it, but it's hard, and happens sometimes anyway. Even at work, I used to get agitated by things, and then just work harder and bury it. But it would build up, I would get a little testy here and there, but eventually before the week was out I would let it out somehow. Then over the weekend, inevitably I would reflect on things, and would always be embarrassed of my own actions.

It sounds easy to explain, but not always that easy. Sometimes the high feelings may last a long time, and the same with the lows, which also bring depression, can last a longer time.

With the lows, I would often become more reclusive. I would find myself staying at home more and more often. This just helps me avoid any issues.

I will often do so with the highs too, but sometimes that feeling gets me out the door and more active, when I'm not really sure it should or not. On here, you will see those highs reflect likely in more posting, and maybe more replies, and maybe longer replies. But here, or outside in the real world, I have found that going out during those high times is when I can get myself into trouble. I tend to spend more money during those periods, for starters, and much more spending - the binge spending.

But I've noticed a relation between the highs, and being easier argumentative, and just easier to get myself agitated over little things. And I hate being at this stage in my life, acknowledging and knowing something like this, and still having difficulty in beating it.

Yesterday was minor, and Hugh responded to a post of mine in what I thought a sarcastic manner. I replied in a non typical manner and kinda blasted him. In a way that really bugged me all night, in the hopes I didn't push a friend away from the board. I truly hate when I'm that person, and yet it's hard not to be that person at times. I reached out to my buddy via cells and I hope I made things right. But I guess "making things right" with people will only go do far.

[NightTrain]

A King Salmon on the end of your line makes everything okay.

[hjmick]

There was nothing to make right, as I said. Though I do appreciate you're reaching out the way you did. The response you refer to was probably a tad flippant, I can be that way, and I probably should have waxed eloquent my thoughts about the whole subject... I sensed there was something amiss in your response so, while I initially asked what was wrong, I decided to just tune out for the night for fear of the conversation turning ugly. Anyway, enough said about that...


You've done something brave and difficult here, Jim. You've written about your mental illness. That's not easy, I know because, even after more than twenty years, it is sometimes difficult for my wife to talk to me about her own illnesses. Kudos to you. I mean that. It's not an easy thing to do.

Hang tough, take care of yourself, and don't worry about the rest of us.

[darin]

this thread inspires. And needs more boobs.


Jim is a good man.

[Kathianne]

this thread inspires. And needs more boobs.


Jim is a good man.

Yes, 'Even I' agree.

[Gunny]

You're too hard on yourself @jimnyc. That's MY job . Seriously, you're pretty tame to be bipolar and are usually pretty well-mannered. My oldest granddaughter, on the other hand, is bipolar and I call HER Sybil. Right now she's on one of those "high's" you speak of and won't quit trying to "help". This of course has nothing to do with what she is supposed to be doing and usually ends up in a bigger mess than it's worth.

But when she goes on a tear? Sailors haven't called me some of the crap she does, nor talked to me like she does. Lucky "Grandpa", I get to deal with her. Mom's busy with the other kids and Stepdad has all the parenting skills of a sea turtle. She also has oppositional defiance disorder so I have to get REAL creative to get her to do anything .

You're lucky you have it mostly under control. She doesn't. And the answer of course is to change her meds so I can get a completely brand new psycho to deal with every few months.

We ALL have our issues and moments. Take care of yourself, dumbass. Don't worry about everyone else.

[High_Plains_Drifter]

Gotta be tough to live with... but I think it takes an impressive amount of confidence to just bare it all like Jim did.

[Black Diamond]

You're too hard on yourself @jimnyc. That's MY job . Seriously, you're pretty tame to be bipolar and are usually pretty well-mannered. My oldest granddaughter, on the other hand, is bipolar and I call HER Sybil. Right now she's on one of those "high's" you speak of and won't quit trying to "help". This of course has nothing to do with what she is supposed to be doing and usually ends up in a bigger mess than it's worth.

But when she goes on a tear? Sailors haven't called me some of the crap she does, nor talked to me like she does. Lucky "Grandpa", I get to deal with her. Mom's busy with the other kids and Stepdad has all the parenting skills of a sea turtle. She also has oppositional defiance disorder so I have to get REAL creative to get her to do anything .

You're lucky you have it mostly under control. She doesn't. And the answer of course is to change her meds so I can get a completely brand new psycho to deal with every few months.

We ALL have our issues and moments. Take care of yourself, dumbass. Don't worry about everyone else.

Sybil. Holy hell.

[jimnyc]

A King Salmon on the end of your line makes everything okay.

I have my hat right in front of me, and my lure is at the base of my monitor, constant reminders.

There was nothing to make right, as I said. Though I do appreciate you're reaching out the way you did. The response you refer to was probably a tad flippant, I can be that way, and I probably should have waxed eloquent my thoughts about the whole subject... I sensed there was something amiss in your response so, while I initially asked what was wrong, I decided to just tune out for the night for fear of the conversation turning ugly. Anyway, enough said about that...


You've done something brave and difficult here, Jim. You've written about your mental illness. That's not easy, I know because, even after more than twenty years, it is sometimes difficult for my wife to talk to me about her own illnesses. Kudos to you. I mean that. It's not an easy thing to do.

Hang tough, take care of yourself, and don't worry about the rest of us.

But yes, there was something to make right. We all have our moments where we act out of line, and this was one of mine. Some of them are basic fighting.I just felt like this was something that needed to be addressed so that it didn't fester or you left the board.

this thread inspires. And needs more boobs.

Jim is a good man.

Well, boobies certainly help threads, that's for sure! There's nothing inspiring about telling the truth, being honest and owning up to one's own fuckup.

Yes, 'Even I' agree.

"even you"? Your opinion ranks rather high in my book, woman!!

You're too hard on yourself @jimnyc. That's MY job . Seriously, you're pretty tame to be bipolar and are usually pretty well-mannered. My oldest granddaughter, on the other hand, is bipolar and I call HER Sybil. Right now she's on one of those "high's" you speak of and won't quit trying to "help". This of course has nothing to do with what she is supposed to be doing and usually ends up in a bigger mess than it's worth.

But when she goes on a tear? Sailors haven't called me some of the crap she does, nor talked to me like she does. Lucky "Grandpa", I get to deal with her. Mom's busy with the other kids and Stepdad has all the parenting skills of a sea turtle. She also has oppositional defiance disorder so I have to get REAL creative to get her to do anything .

You're lucky you have it mostly under control. She doesn't. And the answer of course is to change her meds so I can get a completely brand new psycho to deal with every few months.

We ALL have our issues and moments. Take care of yourself, dumbass. Don't worry about everyone else.

I appreciate the feedback. I just like for people to know where I am coming from sometimes, and where my foul moods may come from at times. NONE of it is excusable, but it is an explanation.

Gotta be tough to live with... but I think it takes an impressive amount of confidence to just bare it all like Jim did.

Not really, nothing major impressive about sharing. In fact, it's quite embarrassing. It's turned me into a recluse of sorts, and one who still has the aforementioned issues. BUT, it's because I know that this is what works for me. It keeps me calmer, with the medicine, and I'm a much different person since 2003. Of course I still have moments where I unleash when I am passionate about something, but who doesn't? But mine can sometimes be a little rough around the edges.

The stigma is likely the worst. Because the bipolar explains so much about circumstances in my life - there may be times where it's "necessary" to share with others. I can share easy with all of you here, then it is to sit down with my wife's aunt and uncle, for example. I just KNOW people will judge you in various ways. It's just human nature I suppose. But at the end of the day, I do what works for me, and I'm MORE than blessed to be in a marriage and have a supportive family, where I can afford to live in a manner where I can be most comfortable.

Sybil. Holy hell.

Oh man, I'm the nicest guy in the world!! I've met the Sybil's here and there, and my bipolar is VERY mild compared to what I've seen from some others.

I take medicine and have no problems with that. Others refuse, and then are off the rails.

[High_Plains_Drifter]

In fact, it's quite embarrassing.

That's pretty much what I meant. Not everyone is can admit their faults, short comings and/or problems, in fact, not everyone will even admit they have any faults. I'd probably be in that camp. When people are asked, "what is your worst quality," or, "what is your worst fault?" I hate to think I have a bad quality or fault. I'm sure other people's opinions would wildly vary about that, ahem, but this is asking someone to openly criticize themselves... but despite you saying it's embarrassing, you did it. I think that takes a big person to do that.

[Abbey Marie]

No worries, Jim. We are here for you in whatever ways we can be.

[darin]

There's nothing inspiring about telling the truth, being honest and owning up to one's own fuckup.

you'd be shocked at the rarity of the gift-to-others that is 'accountability'.

[Gunny]

you'd be shocked at the rarity of the gift-to-others that is 'accountability'.

If it gives understanding to those you believe you have harmed, it most certainly IS a worthy cause. The idea of an apology is not self-sacrifice; rather, to ease the feelings of those you feel you have wronged. It doesn't take away the action. It explains it.

[Taco Junkie]

Jim I don't know you but I'll say that you coming out and explaining what you go through and feel is brave and refreshing. I worked for a woman who was bipolar and could be the sweetest, most energetic, highly creative person to be around. Or be totally off the wall angry, throwing things, breaking things, slamming doors, screaming at people. Her attitude was that since she was bipolar and told people about it, her behavior was never an issue. And that was wrong. So kudos to you man.

Taco

[LongTermGuy]

this thread inspires. And needs more boobs.


Jim is a good man.

Yes he is.....







"Jimmy...I worry about you...Im going to check on you"