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  1. #1
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    Default Fix yourself. You are the problem.

    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    The mistake I see, and have been caught up in before, is when "fixing yourself" equates to changing or trying to change who you are because the other half demands it. And there is no "win" regardless your choice.

    First wife had me changing to try and please her so much that when we finally did separate, I had no idea who I was anymore. I had been trying so hard I became someone who wasn't me.

    2nd wife: as a result of lessons learned from first wife, I refused to budge. I figured I wasn't going through all that BS again only for it to end anyway. That didn't work out either.

    Point is, if you are going to "fix yourself", be sure what you are "fixing" is broken. If it's change to try and please another at the expense of who and what you are, might not be worth it. If it's a positive change that could make things better for you as a person succeed or fail, then it probably won't break your a$$ to give it a shot.
    “When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.” Edumnd Burke

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    Some people really must have weak minds to have to think they need to fix themselves in the first place, and then have someone else that knows better for themselves than they do.

    But that's just me. I have a strong aversion to any trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, or what I need to think, or that I need to change this or that. If you're not smart enough to figure out what's best for you, then you're mentally crippled.

    Asking for advice is something completely different.

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    And this video speaks to what you're saying - fix yourself, or your situation because you want to because only you can really do it. It's not your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. That kinda thing.
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    Quote Originally Posted by darin View Post
    And this video speaks to what you're saying - fix yourself, or your situation because you want to because only you can really do it. It's not your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. That kinda thing.
    It is at least half your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. It takes two and you have no control over the behavior of 50%. In the instance that it is the other person, then you are reacting to their behavior, not initiating your own.

    Then it rolls back over. How you react IS your responsibility.

    But let's take our favorite topic as an example. Democrats/lefties ... they don't process info the same way we do. I don't know why. I cannot fathom what makes them think ass-backwards. The facts are there, the video is there, the words are there and they hear and see something that is NOT there. I just described my first wife actually

    There is no fixing THAT. And it's not me not seeing what is there. A brick is a brick and looks like one. It's NOT a round ball. Yet, it IS 50% her fault at least the relationship is a failure.
    “When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.” Edumnd Burke

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gunny View Post
    It is at least half your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. It takes two and you have no control over the behavior of 50%. In the instance that it is the other person, then you are reacting to their behavior, not initiating your own.

    Then it rolls back over. How you react IS your responsibility.

    But let's take our favorite topic as an example. Democrats/lefties ... they don't process info the same way we do. I don't know why. I cannot fathom what makes them think ass-backwards. The facts are there, the video is there, the words are there and they hear and see something that is NOT there. I just described my first wife actually

    There is no fixing THAT. And it's not me not seeing what is there. A brick is a brick and looks like one. It's NOT a round ball. Yet, it IS 50% her fault at least the relationship is a failure.
    It isn't always 50% both parties fault. My first wife had an affair and abandoned our child while I was serving in Desert Storm. I mean unless I was in the wrong for joining the military and getting sent overseas, I'm not aware of anything I did wrong. Outside of choosing a shitty first wife, of course.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gunny View Post
    It is at least half your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. It takes two and you have no control over the behavior of 50%. In the instance that it is the other person, then you are reacting to their behavior, not initiating your own.

    Then it rolls back over. How you react IS your responsibility.

    But let's take our favorite topic as an example. Democrats/lefties ... they don't process info the same way we do. I don't know why. I cannot fathom what makes them think ass-backwards. The facts are there, the video is there, the words are there and they hear and see something that is NOT there. I just described my first wife actually

    There is no fixing THAT. And it's not me not seeing what is there. A brick is a brick and looks like one. It's NOT a round ball. Yet, it IS 50% her fault at least the relationship is a failure.
    And so this video is SPOT on. Nobody is perfect - everyone can use - and should regularly perform - self assessment and enrichment
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    Quote Originally Posted by darin View Post
    And so this video is SPOT on. Nobody is perfect - everyone can use - and should regularly perform - self assessment and enrichment
    True enough. What I would caution against is too much self-assessment. Or, going to too far with it. You can beat yourself down easily.

    What I don't get is a person r people who keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. I usually start with "how'd this work for me last time around the block?" Not necessarily a definitive answer, but it's a start. If I walk by the same dog every day and kick him and he bites me, you'd think I'd sooner or later figure out if I don't want to get bit, I don't kick the dog. A simple analogy, but it works.
    “When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.” Edumnd Burke

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    Quote Originally Posted by STTAB View Post
    It isn't always 50% both parties fault. My first wife had an affair and abandoned our child while I was serving in Desert Storm. I mean unless I was in the wrong for joining the military and getting sent overseas, I'm not aware of anything I did wrong. Outside of choosing a shitty first wife, of course.
    I was using an arbitrary, even-up starting point for the basis of example. I'm REAL familiar with cheating wives on deployment, but you are reinforcing my point. You have to know when it's not you, and move forward. Or you can sit in place and sulk in your bitterness. (The ubiquitous "you", not you personally). In your case, you had no control over the situation. I've seen that very situation drive Marines to tears, almost insane, into a bottle, and other self-destructive behavior. I was extremely bitter and hateful after it happened to me. Didn't do me any good and everyone around me suffered for it. That behavior WAS mine.
    “When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.” Edumnd Burke

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gunny View Post
    I was using an arbitrary, even-up starting point for the basis of example. I'm REAL familiar with cheating wives on deployment, but you are reinforcing my point. You have to know when it's not you, and move forward. Or you can sit in place and sulk in your bitterness. (The ubiquitous "you", not you personally). In your case, you had no control over the situation. I've seen that very situation drive Marines to tears, almost insane, into a bottle, and other self-destructive behavior. I was extremely bitter and hateful after it happened to me. Didn't do me any good and everyone around me suffered for it. That behavior WAS mine.

    That's true, you do own how you react to the situation. I was only commenting on the fact that the cause of the situation isn't always 50/50.

    I reacted exactly the opposite of you. I forgot all about her. I just whatever. .Just wanted to make sure my child was safe and secure. She didn't matter to me at all.

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    Quote Originally Posted by High_Plains_Drifter View Post
    Some people really must have weak minds to have to think they need to fix themselves in the first place, and then have someone else that knows better for themselves than they do.

    But that's just me. I have a strong aversion to any trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, or what I need to think, or that I need to change this or that. If you're not smart enough to figure out what's best for you, then you're mentally crippled.

    Asking for advice is something completely different.
    What you are describing is the classic "sh*t test". She will lose respect for you if you don't stand your ground and insist on being yourself. Here is a video on the topic:

    Experienced Social Distancer ... waaaay before COVID.

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    Will Smith nailed it to me

    Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.” —. Morticia Addams


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    Quote Originally Posted by NT'sGirl View Post
    Will Smith nailed it to me
    I'm not a big fan of Will anymore, well a little anyway. And I like his wife less, sometimes they act and seem entitled.

    But Dang - he is spot on here!!

    It's very difficult to breakdown and understand fault versus responsibility. He's right, we want to punish the person at fault, until the point that THEY are responsible for the future after what happened - but really, it's our lives, and no matter how much anger there may be, it really is our responsibility to make the future and fix what just happened.

    Most fault and responsibility is fairly easy to look at and be responsible for. But yeah, I can see many a situation where the fault is where the fight will get stuck. I think folks that understand the above, may in fact make for better folks, but not written in stone of course.
    “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?” - Chris Rock

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    Quote Originally Posted by jimnyc View Post
    I'm not a big fan of Will anymore, well a little anyway. And I like his wife less, sometimes they act and seem entitled.

    But Dang - he is spot on here!!

    It's very difficult to breakdown and understand fault versus responsibility. He's right, we want to punish the person at fault, until the point that THEY are responsible for the future after what happened - but really, it's our lives, and no matter how much anger there may be, it really is our responsibility to make the future and fix what just happened.

    Most fault and responsibility is fairly easy to look at and be responsible for. But yeah, I can see many a situation where the fault is where the fight will get stuck. I think folks that understand the above, may in fact make for better folks, but not written in stone of course.

    Also a big part of the movie "I Can Only Imagine".
    After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box - Author unknown

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