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  1. #1
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    Default Good marriage advice: Go to bed angry

    Thought-provoking.

    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

  2. #2
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    I have a few issues with what he said, but to focus specifically on the thread title of ‘Go to bed angry’ I would strongly disagree.

    Whether in a marriage or not, endeavour to never let anger take more than the minimum amount of your time possible. This is most readily achieved by observing the anger, and witnessing how quickly if fades to nothing when you are not feeding it.

    It takes some practice, though not much, and an acceptance of personal responsibility, but allowing for that one should never go to bed angry.
    If you also agree that an animals suffering should be avoided rather than encouraged, consider what steps you can take.

  3. #3
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    I’m of two minds with this.

    One is that by going to bed angry, it is unhealthy to let your body spend that many hours in an angry state. I believe that even if you can fall asleep in such an emotional state, it can’t be good for you physically.

    The other is that fighting viciously all night and potentially saying terrible things you cannot take back no matter how much you want to, is even worse.

    If you can work it out fairly quickly and without irreparably hurting your spouse, then maybe you weren’t all that angry in the first place?

    Then there’s that wonderful make-up sex.
    After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box - Author unknown

    “Unfortunately, the truth is now whatever the media say it is”
    -Abbey

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    Nothing at all wrong with the occasional angry fuck, but I mean who the fuck wants to be married to someone that is mad enough at them that they can't get over that shit in one day, or be that person who is so angry that they can't get over shit

    Married 15 years now , never slept apart when we were both home, nor went to sleep stewing mad at the other, that isn't healthy.

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    Now that I am older and hopefully wiser, I’ve realized that cliche’d as it sounds, life truly is too short to spend it arguing with your spouse (or anyone for that matter) over stupid stuff. Which when you really look at it, most of it is.
    After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box - Author unknown

    “Unfortunately, the truth is now whatever the media say it is”
    -Abbey

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    Default I declare.....b.s. Total b.s.

    Last month....March 21st, to be exact. My lady and I celebrated our "50TH". And, I can honestly say. WE HAVE NEVER GONE TO BED ANGRY.
    It was a PACT we made with each other....back in 1969, based on the advice of both my wife's parents, and mine. All of whom enjoyed, long, happy marriages.

    Of course...this guy telling us something else....Has little knowledge, or experience talking about something HE says is wrong.
    SO. I HAPPILY CALL....


    Abbey.....as for the MAKE UP Sex. NEVER FAILED. MAGA!
    Last edited by icansayit; 04-01-2019 at 06:24 PM.
    I may be older than most. I may say things not everybody will like.
    But despite all of that. I will never lower myself to the level of Liars, Haters, Cheats, and Hypocrites.

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    Default I also must add further comments on this BS artist.

    Noticed he never mentioned the Vowels taken at a Christian, or Other Religious marriage. Two people swear to Love, Honor, Cherish, and even obey (not pc today).

    He also never mentioned how Love, Honesty, Respect, Personal Responsibility, Faith, and Dedication to ONE-ANOTHER plays such a large part in the DESIRE....To NEVER go to bed angry at one-another.

    I can only guess. He has little, if any respect for his wife (if he's married)...and Probably ALWAYS goes to bed angry at her because she IS SMARTER, MORE DEDICATED, AND PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE than he will ever be.

    SO....I SAY AGAIN....TOTAL. And...ABSOLUTE "BS" ON HIM!
    I may be older than most. I may say things not everybody will like.
    But despite all of that. I will never lower myself to the level of Liars, Haters, Cheats, and Hypocrites.

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    Quote Originally Posted by icansayit View Post
    Noticed he never mentioned the Vowels taken at a Christian, or Other Religious marriage. Two people swear to Love, Honor, Cherish, and even obey (not pc today).

    He also never mentioned how Love, Honesty, Respect, Personal Responsibility, Faith, and Dedication to ONE-ANOTHER plays such a large part in the DESIRE....To NEVER go to bed angry at one-another.

    I can only guess. He has little, if any respect for his wife (if he's married)...and Probably ALWAYS goes to bed angry at her because she IS SMARTER, MORE DEDICATED, AND PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE than he will ever be.

    SO....I SAY AGAIN....TOTAL. And...ABSOLUTE "BS" ON HIM!
    What you just wrote in response to that video is "one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

    So you absolutely missed 100% of the guy's point. In fact I am completely shocked at how backwards you read what the guy is saying.

    The guy says, for folks who are having trouble,

    "Go ahead and go to bed angry, and rest-certain in the fact your marriage is never in question." He's saying "If you are arguing and in conflict until the wee hours...just STOP. Go to bed. Tomorrow you will be married still. Take heart in the fact that some conflicts do not need to be solved. The marriage is stronger."

    It's like i'm in bizarro world right now reading some of these replies. It's like some of you are the BBC reporter vs Jordan Peterson.

    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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  10. #9
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    how can you guys miss this?

    "Do everything you can to not go to bed angry. But in the final analysis - because sometimes when you try to navigate life with another human being, who is in every way different than you, where you cant even agree on the things you think you agree about, because you're actually using the same words to mean different things and you won't figure it out for 10 more years...when you're in that situation, you do occasionally come to moments when you simply can not resolve in the moment. And you sit in that moment of complete desperation and you do not know how to you reconcile yourself with your spouse and the best thing you can in that moment is, go to bed. Go to bed literally. Because you will wake up in the morning and you will still be married. The beauty of marriage is that marriage is. You dont have to create marriage on a daily basis. Marriage will carry you through these problems if you lean on it as an institution given to you by God."

    Are we actually listening to things - moving beyond the headlines and actually talking about things? Do words even matter?? God people....
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by darin View Post
    how can you guys miss this?

    Are we actually listening to things - moving beyond the headlines and actually talking about things? Do words even matter?? God people....
    Can’t speak for others, but I listened through the video more than once, and found the message to be unsatisfactory, and rooted in ego. The implication that sustained anger towards a loved one is anything other than a failure of yourself sets a poor baseline, and it’s all downhill from there.
    If you also agree that an animals suffering should be avoided rather than encouraged, consider what steps you can take.

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    Interesting advice in that video. Personally, I think it's stupid .. no marriage should involve a partnership where both take their marriage for granted, as the advice seems to imply. Marriages need work, need maintenance.

    All I can say is that Brexit must be making some extremely stable marriages, here in Blighty ....
    Socialism is a reputability deficiency disease ...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Noir View Post
    Can’t speak for others, but I listened through the video more than once, and found the message to be unsatisfactory, and rooted in ego. The implication that sustained anger towards a loved one is anything other than a failure of yourself sets a poor baseline, and it’s all downhill from there.
    I would be interested in what part specifically you found rooted in ego? Was it the part where he encouraged couples to work hard to solve an issue...but if it becomes beating a dead horse, simply lean INTO the marriage; where he encouraged couples to get to a point where, if nothing else, rest-well knowing the marriage is the rock; its the unchanging anchor.

    I think you finding implied 'sustained anger' means you didn't really listen, or are stupid. But I don't think you're stupid. Because there is clearly NO implication of sustained anger. In fact, he doesn't even MENTION anger. Not in the least. He made no insinuation to treat the other partner rudely, or to hold grudges. In fact, I think even a 10 year old would understand the guy is saying Cleave to the partner. That's the opposite of ego. That's the opposite of anger.
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Drummond View Post
    Interesting advice in that video. Personally, I think it's stupid .. no marriage should involve a partnership where both take their marriage for granted, as the advice seems to imply. Marriages need work, need maintenance.
    Taking the commitment as a GIVEN is not taking it for Granted. The entire point is when all else fails, the couple lean on eachother, knowing the commitment is sound, stable. To remember the other person is different and it takes years to solve some issues. I think the entire point of marriage is to make life better, easier...and when in conflict, knowing the marriage is not in question can de-escalate tensions.


    I think what is happening in this thread is people are so caught up in 'everything they've been told' they resist insights. It's like the - what I think is terrible advice - advice to 'Marry your best friend!' - or specifically "start as friends first..." I think those things can bring doom to a marriage. People's first reaction is to attack the concept, then continue to fail to consider the ideas because it sounds counter to what they've been fed.
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    Quote Originally Posted by darin View Post
    I would be interested in what part specifically you found rooted in ego? Was it the part where he encouraged couples to work hard to solve an issue...but if it becomes beating a dead horse, simply lean INTO the marriage; where he encouraged couples to get to a point where, if nothing else, rest-well knowing the marriage is the rock; its the unchanging anchor.
    I think leaving an argument with ‘I’m not going to talk to you anymore, I’m going to bed and when I wake up we’ll still be married’ is very specifically rooted in and egotistic mindset.

    I think you finding implied 'sustained anger' means you didn't really listen, or are stupid. But I don't think you're stupid. Because there is clearly NO implication of sustained anger. In fact, he doesn't even MENTION anger. Not in the least. He made no insinuation to treat the other partner rudely, or to hold grudges. In fact, I think even a 10 year old would understand the guy is saying Cleave to the partner. That's the opposite of ego. That's the opposite of anger.
    ...I mean, because I did listen I heard him say “go to bed angry.”

    You even put the word “angry” in the topic title because it was what he said :/
    If you also agree that an animals suffering should be avoided rather than encouraged, consider what steps you can take.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Noir View Post
    I think leaving an argument with ‘I’m not going to talk to you anymore, I’m going to bed and when I wake up we’ll still be married’ is very specifically rooted in and egotistic mindset.
    Who would suggest doing that? Can you explain how "I love you, we are not solving this tonite. Let's get some sleep despite not solving the problem" is rooted in anything but love and commitment?


    ...I mean, because I did listen I heard him say “go to bed angry.”

    You even put the word “angry” in the topic title because it was what he said :/
    But using the word for the title is less important than the point he was making. He says essentially "Go to be angry" then clearly describes going to be without resolution. To not be afraid to stop arguing if its not helping anything. Comprehension helps a ton.
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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