Southern Culture Classes: Now Open

[Hobbit]

Upon the realization that the South is better, many 'Yankees' have been migrating down here in droves, but are having trouble adapting to southern culture. In response, some places are offering classes in southern culture to allow northerners to adapt.

http://www.wtlv.com/news/strange/new...?storyid=75380

The article features a top ten list written by a stupid Yankee, so allow me to reprint with corrections and elaborations.

#10: Don't be in a hurry. It won't help.

Or, at least, it usually won't. Besides, most people here don't care if you're a little late.

#9: Remember: "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Written by a stupid Yankee who just doesn't get it. 'Y'all' is plural and is a contraction of 'you all.' 'All y'all' is a more inclusive version, going beyond plural and including everyone within earshot. 'Y'all's' is plural possessive, but is rarely used.

#8: If you hear a southern say "hey y'all, watch this!," get away. Those are probably his last words.

Probably not his last words, but it's safer to keep your distance, nonetheless.

#7: We don't' use turn signals and we ignore those who do.

Well, we do, but not a lot and in a different way. Signaling for a lane change in Atlanta is a signal for the guy behind you in the destination lane to go ahead and go around you before you move.

#6: In the north, women have two last names. In the south EVERYONE has two first names.

Mostly false, though it isn't uncommon.

#5: The improper pronunciations you learned all through school....don't work here.

True. Stay here long enough and you may learn how to talk right.

#4: Save all manner of bacon grease you will be instructed on how to use it later.

It has more uses than flour.

#3: Just because you can drive on the snow doesn't mean we can't stay home on the two days a year it snows.

A single snowflake sticking to the ground is sufficient cause for panic. Anticipation of such a blizzard will lead to a rise in milk, bread, and egg sales, because nothing's better on a cold winter morning than french toast.

Edit: On the other hand, we'll do back-breaking manual labor in 100+ degree weather. Thank the Lord for iced tea (which, by the way, must contain enough sugar to cause hyperglycemic shock. Unsweetened tea is a Yankee drink).

#2: If you run your car into a ditch, just wait. Four men in a pick-up with a tow hitch will be along soon. Just stay outta their way, It's what they live for.

False. It's usually just two men. There's also a good chance they'll offer you some sort of tobacco product to consume while they work. Either way, they'll pull you out for free, and in about half the time a tow truck takes.

...and the number one tip for a northerner moving to the south...

Don't be worried that you don't understand us...We don't understand you either.

Just roll with it. If you hear a southerner repeat him/herself three or four times without a break in the conversation, just smile and nod. They do that after becoming accustomed to repeating themselves for Yankees who don't understand what they're saying.

There's also one more tidbit about southerners everyone should know. Southerners make fun of other southern states. Georgia rips on Alabama. Alabama rips on Mississippi. Arkansas is surrounded by inferior states, and thus rips on Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Texas. Texas rips on everybody. Tennessee rips on Kentucky. Well, you get the picture. However, any southerner would prefer any southern state to any northern state...except Florida. Florida sucks.