Last night at Jake's Pub I had three fuzzy navels, 4 Heinekens, 5 Becks, 3 Mooseheads, 7 shots of tequila, a screwdriver, 3 martinis, 8 margaritas 4 wine coolers, half a bottle of vodka straight up, a strawberry daiquiri, 5 shots of whiskey, and a Shirley Temple.

I'm really good at holding my liquor, but I was really feeling it. I said to my friend, Sarah, "Thay, Thara ..." (drool, slurp) ... "I think I'm a little" ... (slobber, drool) "thlothed. I don't think I can" ... (drivel, slobber) ... "drive home." Okay, I couldn't even walk. When I tried to, I crashed right on top of a table where about 20 people were having some kind of birthday party meal. I apologized profusely and Sarah said she would help me sober up. She gave me what she said was the best coffee in the world, this Kenya Kirinyaga Kii Peaberry Espresso. I drank cup after cup, but I didn't sober up one bit. I just had to piss. Then she had to carry me to the little girl's room and put me on the toilet.

Why didn't the coffee work? This is depressing me. I need a drink.