Tyr spoke of losing his friend, and his Dad. Then it made me think of Mom. Then of course parents, and us being parents ourselves. This certainly isn't a poem, just "writing" and babbling. I think most parents would somewhat agree, even if they can all write much better than I can! LOL I know I could have put this in the family section, but this was like 'streaming thought' of what it's been like for me from the time I learned I would be a Dad until today.

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We grew up with Mom and Dad. We knew what it was like to be a child, and had an idea of what it takes to raise one. Our parents are our teachers, but they teach us as kids, not to learn how to be a parent. So while I think they did well, and I did well at learning how to be a kid, and then a teenager, and being educated and graduating and getting off on my own. That was because of the great parenting of Mom and Dad, and maybe I was a good student.

When you're a kid you dream of everything that is in your future. You dream of leaving HS, dream of college days, your very first car. You start thinking of just how old you may be when you will get married, if you ever do. What type of career will you have? Will it be professional sports, an astronaut or a public servant? All these dreams and so many ways to get there and not a care in the world on how to get there.

It all seemed so easy. Even after leaving HS and entering college, hanging out much more with friends, still so easy. Out of the parents home, graduated college and working a crappy job until career kicks in. But now over 21, can drink with friends and life is still the easiest places on earth, no worries at all to hold me back.

Of course there are girlfriends here and there, and while you often think 'this is the one', that doesn't happen always.

But then it does. You're head over heels. Something happens you didn't expect. You fall in TRUE love. You're willing to drop all that care free fun in order to be with this person you love. It was a new feeling for me at the time, but what a great feeling. I was only 24 and it was earlier than my dreams had planned for me. But having a dream come true early isn't a bad thing. I pinched myself quite a few times, but I never woke up. Days turned into a few years, and here I stood 8 years later and still never woke.

Then something happened. I found out I was soon to be a Dad. A Dad? A Dad was something that now lived in Florida and was someone I called on the phone to say hello to every week. Me, a Dad? How in the world did this happen? I was shocked to find myself so so damn happy, and so so damn happy for my love. We embraced the news and started planning. That's when it hit me. I'm clueless. A child, in my home, my responsibility. What do I do? How do I tell my wife that I have no experience at this and don't know how to help her? Doctors visits, she is sick, get me this and get me that, classes, hospital visits. It was all so overwhelming, my hardest challenge in life ever, but one I grasped and wanted to succeed at. How does one learn how to be ready to be a parent? Do we just repeat what our parents did for us? How am I supposed to remember 18 years worth of parenting? I don't remember when I was born till I was like 4 or 5 years old. I never paid attention to others raising babies, what am I to do?

Then it happened. It was time to go to the hospital. It was 8am and luckily I had a lot of coffee in me. She said it was time. No bags prepared, nothing, just get in the truck and take the planned route to the hospital. I didn't drive like a maniac. We took the trip there a few times and had planned it all. She wasn't screaming, so it just didn't feel like what I saw on TV. But it was time. She was to deliver our son right there in the hospital bed. Of course 8 hours later. And then 30 minutes prior the doctor walks in, talks to her and us, and hands me a gown to put on. Why do I need a gown? I'm going to the lobby, no need for me to see that happen and pass out on the floor! But there I stood and put it on. And before I can barely tie it shut in walk like 5 nurses and the doctor. Too late for me to bail. I was to hold her right hand and arm for her to squeeze. I was a part of this process, not just there to watch. I felt like I was helping, but watching my wife I knew I wasn't helping her. But so much sooner than I thought, out popped this little alien looking sucker. I know, that sounds horrible, but as soon as a baby comes out it's not the most beautiful thing in the world. The nurse and doctors instantly got him breathing and crying, and then into the cleaning mode. And within a few minutes of birth, there he was placed in a small blanket and into my wifes arms. A few minutes later, as I sat in a chair, unexpectedly, a nurse comes over with my son and places him in my arms. What the hell, I didn't ask the nurse to do this. I have no clue how to hold a 5 minute old baby. He no longer looked like an alien. Now he looked like the most beautiful thing on earth to me. My hands were shivering and I was literally lightheaded. But I held on for dear life, even though I held him so tenderly.

My wife spent the next few days at the hospital and I spent the evenings at home preparing the house for his arrival.

She must have went to "Mom School" when I wasn't around, as it seemed like she knew everything, and knew what to do know matter what was presented to her. Meanwhile, I was so scared and had absolutely no idea what to do, no matter what. I called my Mom every time I had a question!

As the boy was growing up, I called Mom again and again. For parenting decisions and punishments, I called my Dad for non-stop advice. In my head, why not call the actual parents to help raise the child. But then something happened, and I realized that while I was reaching out for advice from others, I was in fact doing the work, and as years sped on by, there I was being a Dad myself.

Clueless and learning. No idea how to handle any situation, and every one of them is a test, and a learning experience for your next test. How do I prepare this boy for the rest of his life? How do I turn him into a man? How do I have him excel at everything? So many questions and what feels like no time whatsoever. Folks tell you ahead of time that the time goes by so quickly, and they know what they're speaking of.

I'm failing. Problems are there. No one raises a child without problems. It's all in how one handles those problems, just like us adults. But now my decisions determine this ones life, and that's scary. He needs to do good in school. He needs to be respectful. Go to bed on time. Get up on time. Brush his teeth. Eat properly.

You can make a list 40 miles long but are still never prepared.

Sometimes the kid is acting out in manners in which I don't know how to reply to. I react myself. I'm failing again. But I can't fail. I just can't. Is he wanting to make me mad, or is he maybe reaching out for something and not knowing how? I give him and embrace love instead, I can't let myself ever get angry, I can't let him see me thinking I'm a failure.

He thinks I'm the greatest Dad at times, but probably has no idea the amount of stress. I can't let him know that Dad thinks this is the hardest job in the world.

He gets sick and has to go to a doctor. But still scared to death and once again the phone rings to call Mom or Dad. Grandparents are the best thing in the world when raising your own child. And the best part is that they agree and want to help!

Grammar school turns into high school and your child is now a teenager and a young man. You want him to be tough, but loving. You want to him have fight in him, but teach him how not to fight unless necessary. You want your kid to be like you, but minus all of your bad aspects. You want to tell your kid stories about your life, even the bad things, and help them learn, and avoid the mistakes you yourself made in life.

But I'm still clueless and still learning. I still feel like he was just born. I'm still scared about whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I still call Dad for help. Mom is gone, but I want to talk to her daily. I take the lessons and love from her, and give them to my son.

I still dream of the future, but now it's only about what great things are for my son in the future. I hope he's learning like I did when I was a kid, and I hope I'm doing a bit as good as Mom and Dad did for me. I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope my parents know how much I love them. Life is great in how it repeats itself. We learn from our parents and then give it to our own children, and before long we will be that grandparent that answers the questions when our kids are scared when they have their own children.

The parenting gig is one tough job, but the most rewarding job in the world if you're lucky enough to get the job.