Marriage: why do so many (40%) of all marriages fail

[Mr. P]

What pitfalls (if i do ever decide to get married) can i tackle before I get married, and how I prevent divorce?

There is no answer nor guarantee. Ya pays yer money and takes yer chances.

[Classact]

I've always wondered if those divorce rates take into consideration the people who've been divorced 2-3 times???

I suspect they include those people (serial divorcers), and that's gotta mess up the numbers.

60% of all marriages work out......not too bad.



I don't think people take into consideration that marriage can be a lot of work at times. They tend to plan for the "big day", and think everything after that will be rosy.

I've been through two divorces and remarried and we will celebrate twenty years of marriage this year.

The thing that killed my first two marriages were that we had communication problems... we never discussed our dreams enough before getting married... Finances coupled with differing goals resulted in one partner always feeling like they were getting screwed out of a one life attempt to see their dreams come true. Be sure you both have a common dream or close enough that you both can finish the race on the same track without crippling the other.

[Lizabeth]

I disagree with most of you on this one. I don't think you can ever really know the other person totally. Something always seems to come out of left field.

I believe it depends on how hard you are willing to work at being a couple. It has been made much too easy to walk away. A me, myself & I attitude seems to take over. I have several friends who have divorced and the conversation is usually, what is best for "me"; I need to find "myself"; "I" am not "in" love with you any more. I must say I hear more of the last one than anything...what the heck does that mean?

People need to realize you cannot be selfish in a marriage....it is not just about "you"

[Classact]

I disagree with most of you on this one. I don't think you can ever really know the other person totally. Something always seems to come out of left field.

I believe it depends on how hard you are willing to work at being a couple. It has been made much too easy to walk away. A me, myself & I attitude seems to take over. I have several friends who have divorced and the conversation is usually, what is best for "me"; I need to find "myself"; "I" am not "in" love with you any more. I must say I hear more of the last one than anything...what the heck does that mean?

People need to realize you cannot be selfish in a marriage....it is not just about "you"

You left out "people grow"!

[Lizabeth]

Yes, that one is fun too...that is code for I'm doing someone else.

I had a friend who went through it real bad...his wife cheated, got caught then used all those wonderful lines including but not limited to: It's not you, it's me.

last time I checked those vows meant something. I guess that is why people choose to write their own. Avoid the pitfall of promising to love & honor each other so long as you both shall live. Now it is I promise unless something better comes along.

[DragonStryk72]

Actually, 40% isn't a true figure. yes, 40% of all marriages, fail this is true, but many of these are repeat offenders, people who have been have been married before, or have even 3-4 marriages tank under them. Then of course, we have the BS marriages to consider, where there was no intention to stay married in the first place. Then there's drunken weddings in Vegas to consider as well on that count.

As to why?? there's nearly an infinite number of reasons: Women who are being abused these days are far more likely to leave the marriage than they were 20-30 years ago, which is a positive sign. Others convince themselves, I think, that they NEED to be married, and settled for far too little from their partner.

Marriage is hard, and honestly, if it wasn't, we wouldn't value it so much when it does go right.

[crin63]

Don't go into marriage expecting it to bring you happiness that you don't already otherwise have. You will be sadly disappointed.

Plan to work harder than you have ever worked at anything before in your life.

When you feel you have given 110% give it another 110% and then maybe you will be reaching the actual 50% of giving of yourself. Its not all about you, but that doesn't mean to bow down to her either.

Love her, honor her and respect her. Treat her as though she counts and really matters to you because she does and she should.

Go ahead and play the game. When she says nothings wrong go ahead and try to get her to tell you. She wants you to ask but probably isn't going to tell you. If you don't play the game she won't think you care. I ask once, maybe twice and then leave it at that. I don't play that game very well.

Don't marry her thinking she has potential to be something other than what she already is.

Take time and get to know her, theres no rush.

Decide if you're looking for a mommy or a wife. A wife is your partner and mate not your personal babysitter.

Take time to talk to her when she wants to talk regardless of what you are doing at that moment. Turn the game off and give her your undivided attention, for however long she needs or wants it.

Send her flowers occasionally with a simple note that you were thinking of her.

Remember to tell her that you appreciate her and all she does for you as well as the family.

Don't be afraid to apologize when you are wrong. Give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she knows you better than you know yourself when it comes to some things.

I'm the leader. I lead, she follows. You will have to decide that or figure that out on your own.

You pay the bills, she doen't need that stress. Man up on this one even if she is better with accounting than you.

If you ask her opinion, either use it or make it clear in advance that it is just for planning purposes and may not go that way.

Plan to take her out, put some thought and effort into it.

I'm sure theres more but those were off the top of my head. These are the things I try to do for my wife and my marriage. Sometimes I'm hardheaded and forget but when I realize that I did I will ask her forgiveness.