The "At What Age?" thread

[Abbey Marie]

This thread will probably be of interest to parents.

Sometimes when we are going nuts because our children are acting like aliens, or when they don't seem to be developing at the same rate as others, etc., we like to know at what age we can expect things to change.

I'll start:
I have an 18 year old daughter, who will start her Sophomore year in college in a couple of months. I would like to know when she will mature enough to treat her parents with more consideration, and think about others besides herself. Is this something that kids her age are generally like, or is it her? Will it get better, and if so, at what age do they start to look outside themselves?

[Gaffer]

This thread will probably be of interest to parents.

Sometimes when we are going nuts because our children are acting like aliens, or when they don't seem to be developing at the same rate as others, etc., we like to know at what age we can expect things to change.

I'll start:
I have an 18 year old daughter, who will start her Sophomore year in college in a couple of months. I would like to know when she will mature enough to treat her parents with more consideration, and think about others besides herself. Is this something that kids her age are generally like, or is it her? Will it get better, and if so, at what age do they start to look outside themselves?

For girls between 19 and 21. Boys, 23 to 25. And I lean heavily on the 25.

[Kathianne]

I think it depends on the kid. It was my middle child who said, "Mom, you are calling me too much, I'll call you if I need something." With that, I stopped calling.

That was 7 years ago. I kept that in mind all those years. They call me, at least once a week. The story behind it is too sad to tell.

[PostmodernProphet]

This thread will probably be of interest to parents.

Sometimes when we are going nuts because our children are acting like aliens, or when they don't seem to be developing at the same rate as others, etc., we like to know at what age we can expect things to change.

I'll start:
I have an 18 year old daughter, who will start her Sophomore year in college in a couple of months. I would like to know when she will mature enough to treat her parents with more consideration, and think about others besides herself. Is this something that kids her age are generally like, or is it her? Will it get better, and if so, at what age do they start to look outside themselves?

if I can remember back to my own case, I think I started about the time I had kids of my own...../grins.....

[DragonStryk72]

This thread will probably be of interest to parents.

Sometimes when we are going nuts because our children are acting like aliens, or when they don't seem to be developing at the same rate as others, etc., we like to know at what age we can expect things to change.

I'll start:
I have an 18 year old daughter, who will start her Sophomore year in college in a couple of months. I would like to know when she will mature enough to treat her parents with more consideration, and think about others besides herself. Is this something that kids her age are generally like, or is it her? Will it get better, and if so, at what age do they start to look outside themselves?

Yeah, likely somewhere after college, when she is actually having to be out on her own and pay her own rent, bills, and so on. I came around when I was 18, but I was in the Navy, so I had a headstart on fending for myself.

[SassyLady]

This thread will probably be of interest to parents.

Sometimes when we are going nuts because our children are acting like aliens, or when they don't seem to be developing at the same rate as others, etc., we like to know at what age we can expect things to change.

I'll start:
I have an 18 year old daughter, who will start her Sophomore year in college in a couple of months. I would like to know when she will mature enough to treat her parents with more consideration, and think about others besides herself. Is this something that kids her age are generally like, or is it her? Will it get better, and if so, at what age do they start to look outside themselves?

Wow...what a question ..... my daughter was about 18-1/2. She moved to Tucson about four months after her 18th birthday and we were not on good terms when she moved.

She asked me the night before she flew out if I was going to miss her. I thought for a very long time and decided to answer her honestly and told her "no"....which shocked her and she didn't know whether to cry or be mad. I went on to explain that I would always love her and be there if she needed me and that she could call me any time for anything. However, I was not going to miss her at all....I said "why would I miss someone who treats me like crap?" "What does that say about the kind of person I am that I would miss someone who treats me the way you treat me?"

And that was the end of the conversation and we didn't bring it up again.

Three months later (with a couple of phones calls in the interim to tell me she made it and things were OK)....she called in absolute tears ..... said that she was the worst daughter in the whole world, she completely understood what it was like to be taken for granted ..... yada, yada, yada.....seems that her new roommates were giving her the same disrepectful treatment she had been dishing out at home.......not cleaning up after themselves, eating all the food, etc.......

Anyway, I must say that all in all, the last 15 years were much better than the years between age 10-18.

My daughter was hellion .... took daddy's car out for a joyride when she was 12 with a friend and totalled it ...wrapped it around a tree ... put both of them in the hospital for over 2 weeks with multiple injuries ... she had to be cut out of the car ... friend was thrown out ....

She wanted to be emancipated at 15.....dropped out of school two weeks before graduation and they wouldn't let her graduate ... but then she went in and got her GED when she turned 18....we wouldn't let her get her driver's license so she had to wait until 18....she stole my checkbook and wrote hot checks all over town one weekend when I was travelling ...... had to do community service for that one....

Anyway, Abbey, I think it's hard for a child to realize they are not the center of the universe until they're ...............not. When they are finally in a situation where the people who have loved them, protected them, provided for them are no longer there to do all that, then they start seeing things differently.

Good luck....I'm sure it will be soon.

[crin63]

First off, I have to give God all the credit for any measure of success.

For me personally, I've been so involved with my kids since they were born that I really haven't had much of an issue with them. I gave them all the time they wanted and more. I was at almost every single event in their lives. I talked to them and coached them through almost every single moment/event as they were growing up to be successful as kids and adults. We discussed their futures frequently so they could plan it out. We discussed the successes and the failures and how to improve on them, not that we always agreed. Were not finished yet so I cant call things completely successful but I think we've headed in the right direction.

[Abbey Marie]

Thanks everyone- a lot of good stuff here, including the much-needed humor.

MKP, you have always amazed me with your thoughtful common sense in tough situations.

Crin, how old is your oldest girl? It wasn't until ours turned 18 that I started to feel this. Before that she was not a problem at all. She's still not that bad. I guess expect to be treated with respect and regard at all times, haha, silly me. I can honestly say that we (both my husband and I) have done all of the things that you describe. In fact, I hate to think it, but sometimes I wonder if it was our doing so much for her that created the problem.

The common theme I see here is that it isn't necessarily their age, but being on their own/taking responsibility that changes things. In which case, we have at least 3 more years of fun.

[crin63]

Thanks everyone- a lot of good stuff here, including the much-needed humor.

MKP, you have always amazed me with your thoughtful common sense in tough situations.

Crin, how old is your oldest girl? It wasn't until ours turned 18 that I started to feel this. Before that she was not a problem at all. She's still not that bad. I guess expect to be treated with respect and regard at all times, haha, silly me. I can honestly say that we (both my husband and I) have done all of the things that you describe. In fact, I hate to think it, but sometimes I wonder if it was our doing so much for her that created the problem.

The common theme I see here is that it isn't necessarily their age, but being on their own/taking responsibility that changes things. In which case, we have at least 3 more years of fun.

My daughter is 15 and we hang out together a lot. She is always very careful not to cross the line to becoming disrespectful although she has a lot of latitude to tease and pick on me. My disappointment in something she does wrong is enough to crush her.

It seems as though once my children begin to apply the life lessons I taught them and they see their personal success they become even more respectful.
My daughter works at a Chiropractors office when she is out of school. He has asked her to go to Chiropractic College and then come back to be his business partner. As she works in his office and sees how well she relates to people, that she has great communication skills and that she has been raised very well to deal with life issues.

None of my children are disrespectful to me, I wouldn't tolerate it anyway.

[crin63]

Another thought that came to mind is that my children have been forced to spend time in conversation and dealing with adults since they were very young. All 3 of my kids started working when they were 15 and they have to maintain an, "A" average at school. None of kids are exceptionally smart, they just work hard for what they want.

I see my neighbors daughter acting like a jerk to her parents and sister but she doesn't know how to talk too or be around adults. We have started letting her hang out with us and she is improving but she really just doesn't know how to be around her parents or adults. In the last 6-8 months she has been hanging around our family she has matured tremendously. We always remind her to treat her parents well and to love her sister which are things she never learned to do. Its foreign to her that she should consider someone else other than herself even when there is no immediate perceived benefit from it.

[Binky]

I think it depends on the kid. It was my middle child who said, "Mom, you are calling me too much, I'll call you if I need something." With that, I stopped calling.

That was 7 years ago. I kept that in mind all those years. They call me, at least once a week. The story behind it is too sad to tell.

My daughter and her family live in the same area as we do. She and I see a lot of each other. Sometimes too much. We tend to get on each others nerves now and then and can become, how to you put it.........ahhhh yes, now I remember, very bitchy..... Most of the time we get along great. We're a close family not only in distance but in heart and soul.... But she can be a bit overbearing at times where she thinks she's the parent and I'm the kid......That irks me to no end and I hate feeling like she's talking down to me as one would a child......

We lost our son in 2006 to suicide. He had been a drinker since he came out of the army in the mid '90's. He would have the dt's and talk to himself. Being a booze drinker did not agree with him. He would become beligerent. At one point, he and I had gotten into an argument and he pulled back his arm as tho' he were going to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead and hit me but it would be the last time he'd ever did..........

Luckily for me it never happened. He was a troubled soul. But he had a heart of gold. Just the booze grabbed ahold of his mind and he was too proud to go and seek help. This is a small town and he just couldn't handle that.

Anyway..........on a Sat. he was to come here and have dinner and play cards with the rest of us. After wondering for an hour where he was, my hubs and a friend of ours went over to his place to find out what was going on. And they spotted his truck parked across the road at a nearby gas station. He had pulled off to the side out of the way and took an AK 47 propping it under his chin and pulled the trigger. Hubs and friend found him with half his head blown off and they had to call the cops and deal with it. And then they came back and told me....I collasped into despair in a chair and bawled my eyes out. And amidst all that we had to talk to the funeral director and prepare pic's and such for his funeral which was obviously closed casket.

So our lives over the last four years have been filled with bouts of tears, and depression. But over all, hubs and I are very strong people as is our daughter. We have, with the help of God, pulled ourselves thru each day. We have always had lots of humor to get us thru any and all problems and this was no different. We have tried to focus on the good things about our son rather than what took him to that point in his life where he felt he couldn't handle it anymore. We could not help him because you can't help someone that won't help themselves. And being an adult we could not force him to seek out help....

So now, rather than live in morbity I act the fool much of the time. It makes me feel better to bring on smiles, chuckles and laughs. Sure beats the heck out of sorrow, depression and mental illness.....

[Abbey Marie]

Binky, I am so sorry. I can't think of anything to say other than, you are a strong woman.

[Kathianne]

Binky, you and yours are in my prayers.

[SassyLady]

Binky - thank you so much for sharing and letting us know how different people cope with tragedy in their life. My heart goes out to you.

Take care,

[gabosaurus]

I often think my sister and I are a case of what goes around, comes around.
My maternal grandparents were very strict Germanic types. They said my mom was OK until she got into high school. At which case she rebelled and became a total hellion. My mom freely admits falling into the 60's hippie rebelling, dying her hair multiple times and running with the wrong crowd.
My grandfather warned her that he was going to laugh when her kids turned out like her. Which she totally ignored, of course.
I often wondered how much my grandpa enjoyed my sister (four years older than me) going into total rebellion at the age of 15. My sister snuck out at night, drank, hung out with the bad crowd and dated a much older leader of a Latino street gang.
The problem was, how do you discipline someone who makes straight A's and rarely missed a day of school?
I did much the same thing, only I started at 14. But I wasn't as wild because I was more afraid of my parents than my sister was.

As I have discovered, there is no manual or playbook for child raising. You have to adjust on the fly and hope what you are doing turns out right.