My newest critic strikes!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Quote Originally Posted by Tyr-Ziu Saxnot View Post
The Dark Curse, The Monster and His Act Of Vengeance Averted

He killed a loud squirrel, hungry hawk and silent mouse
Tossed them in a black bag along with six dead toads
By midnight moon took all to the old hag witch's house
Hidden deep in oak grove at the junction of three roads.

Anticipating that terrible curse he vowed to have laid
As good measure he had managed to get a demon's horn
The old witch demanded such strange things to be paid
As the down payment before her evil curse was to be born.

Caring not at all for what she demanded he buy or steal
He filled with hate, would have a Halloween blood bath
Only pain and blackened hate could his heart now feel
He glorified in this dark curse that would satisfy his wrath.

Deed done, he silently and slowing walked in his glee
Mouth watering when he thought of her great coming pain
Suddenly springing from behind a massive black oak tree
A dark creature fed by his hate and evil accursed stain.

Sudden intense fear, shook him to his sad and black core
Why was this cursed creature now growling and eying him
Had not the old witch given the monster its dark chore
Or was this monster's mind and eyesight truly that dim?

Quick as a flash he drew his trusty razor sharp blade
Now sensing the coming attack was mere seconds away
He realized the double crossing deal the hag had made
For it came to him, that the monster was about to be paid!

Too late to talk, he screamed, come on you damn demon spawn
I have blood in my eyes, and yes, I sold your damn horn
You'll lie stone dead upon the ground before light of dawn
I swear by the hair on my head and life of my first born!

Only then did the massive dark monster laugh and speak
Saying,"you made your damn deal but I made mine much better"
I love most to cut up and then eat the helpless and weak
Your baby firstborn daughter,I was hungry,I already ate her!

Rage leaped into his head,his sword cut out a mighty slash
The monster in pain slashed with is long claws, as it withdrew
He knew his anger and red-hot hate had made him far too rash
As monster's fangs,yellow eyes, and wicked head then regrew.

Next he heard the sound of the old hag witch's laugh there
The monster charged screaming out in hag's best cursing voice
Your dark heart and burning hate doomed you when in my lair
By the Dark Lord's black power you will now die for your choice!

And with that she lunged and snatched out his still beating heart
This was always her final payment for her cursing dark deeds
The hateful man and his first born 's death were on her evil chart
And such hatred always brought blood and death in its seeds!

Down in the dead man's village , a lone house filled in drying blood
All the monster had left was his daughter's small hands and toes
Then a wicked, dark rain brought down its deepest fast flowing flood
Washing away the darkness ,evil and hate thats how the story goes.

Robert J. Lindley , 09-22-2015

Note. -Written for my son, his early dark Halloween story as I promised this weekend.
Better tad late than never..

The poem shown, I wrote yesterday for my son Justin(8 years old). He read it and stated he liked it.
This morning after sleeping on it he decided to talk to me about it. I had no clue that he was a critic!
First he asked me why did - I THINK THE POEM WAS GOOD. I replied, "rhymes well, tells a scary story and ends well(with bad guy dead).
Little did I know that I had made a bad judgment but he told me so soon enough.

First says the little critic- rhymes ok but does not end well dad.
Shocked I asked why.
He said, the bad guy was killed by the monster but so was his innocent baby daughter!
That part floored me.
Then he said, the old hag witch and monster did not die and they live to kill others later--thats bad dad!
Again I was floored. First his points were quite good and secondly realizing how deeply he thought about that poem.
I myself had missed both those important points in my haste to complete the poem.

However, he was not done yet. He then said, and why did you write the monster ate the little girl, you could have said he captured her and then the dad wins the fight to rescue her!
Crap, I missed that theme myself!

At this point, I kindly reminded him that we poets/storytellers always have our critics. And he should understand we are often quite sensitive about such criticisms.
Without missing a beat he said, "ok daddy but next time ask me to help you, like I do when my homework is too hard!

And that my friends was the kick in the pants that I deserved for chiding an 8 year old on his honest views on my latest poem!

I have no clue if he will turn out to be a poet/writer or not , I but am sure he could make a damn fine critic one day if he decided to take that path!

[Gunny]

The poem shown, I wrote yesterday for my son Justin(8 years old). He read it and stated he liked it.
This morning after sleeping on it he decided to talk to me about it. I had no clue that he was a critic!
First he asked me why did - I THINK THE POEM WAS GOOD. I replied, "rhymes well, tells a scary story and ends well(with bad guy dead).
Little did I know that I had made a bad judgment but he told me so soon enough.

First says the little critic- rhymes ok but does not end well dad.
Shocked I asked why.
He said, the bad guy was killed by the monster but so was his innocent baby daughter!
That part floored me.
Then he said, the old hag witch and monster did not die and they live to kill others later--thats bad dad!
Again I was floored. First his points were quite good and secondly realizing how deeply he thought about that poem.
I myself had missed both those important points in my haste to complete the poem.

However, he was not done yet. He then said, and why did you write the monster ate the little girl, you could have said he captured her and then the dad wins the fight to rescue her!
Crap, I missed that theme myself!

At this point, I kindly reminded him that we poets/storytellers always have our critics. And he should understand we are often quite sensitive about such criticisms.
Without missing a beat he said, "ok daddy but next time ask me to help you, like I do when my homework is too hard!

And that my friends was the kick in the pants that I deserved for chiding an 8 year old on his honest views on my latest poem!

I have no clue if he will turn out to be a poet/writer or not , I but am sure he could make a damn fine critic one day if he decided to take that path!

Don't mess with kids. They'll nail you EVERY time.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Don't mess with kids. They'll nail you EVERY time.

TRUE AND WITH NAIVE BUT BRUTAL HONESTY TOO!--TYR

MY BIG FEAR IS THAT , PERHAPS THIS AFTERNOON AFTER SCHOOL HE ASKS ME TO EDIT IT TO GO WITH HIS DESIRED ENDING!!!!--

IF SO, THIS WRITER WILL JUST HAVE TO PUT HIS FOOT DOWN!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Now after telling my darling wife about Justin's criticisms of my hastily written poem ,I get this from her!
"Well, why don't you let Justin help you with your poems?"


Today just ain't my day.....-Tyr

[gabosaurus]

Kids can be quite savage with their criticisms. My daughter asked my husband to critique one of essays for an English assignment last year. When he did so, she rejected it and stated that he obviously didn't understand what she was trying to say.

Moral of the story: Never ask a kid for his advice. It's never what you want it to be.

[Gunny]

Kids can be quite savage with their criticisms. My daughter asked my husband to critique one of essays for an English assignment last year. When he did so, she rejected it and stated that he obviously didn't understand what she was trying to say.

Moral of the story: Never ask a kid for his advice. It's never what you want it to be.

Hell, that sounds likes one of your posts.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

New one for Justin......

Halloween And Bloody Body Parts On Roast


Soul saving, mad ravings shine without stars
dead thoughts spin upon a dark wheel.
Bluest blind eyes stored in large pickle jars
deep cuts, gladly met with a squeal.
Dark rooms full of gore and bloody dead things
treasures a monster loves to collect.
Hands rotting, fingers still holding gold rings
nasty and dusty from beast's neglect.

New additions, coming soon on Halloween night
boys and girls, their cut off bloody ears.
Monster does far more than just terrible fright
to instill in the kids deep ghastly fears!

This night, brings out goblins, ghouls and ghosts
human body parts, on fires these monsters roast!

Robert J. Lindley, 09-25-2015

Note- Written for my son Justin tonight.
He asked me to write another very scary one
for Halloween

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

New one for Justin......

Halloween And Bloody Body Parts On Roast


Soul saving, mad ravings shine without stars
dead thoughts spin upon a dark wheel.
Bluest blind eyes stored in large pickle jars
deep cuts, gladly met with a squeal.
Dark rooms full of gore and bloody dead things
treasures a monster loves to collect.
Hands rotting, fingers still holding gold rings
nasty and dusty from beast's neglect.

New additions, coming soon on Halloween night
boys and girls, their cut off bloody ears.
Monster does far more than just terrible fright
to instill in the kids deep ghastly fears!

This night, brings out goblins, ghouls and ghosts
human body parts, on fires these monsters roast!

Robert J. Lindley, 09-25-2015

Note- Written for my son Justin tonight.
He asked me to write another very scary one
for Halloween

This morn the little critic strikes yet again!

First he asks, why did they cut off their ears if they roast and eat the kids later?

I had no answer ready for that......

Then he asks, why do you always let the monster live?? Don't you know the monsters are supposed to die in the end??

Now my friends, I only see one way to stop this "madness"!

I got to write a Halloween poem that the kids win, the monster dies and the sun shines ever so brightly on the happy survivors..................with no sacrificed babies or roasted body parts! --Tyr

[NightTrain]

Well... sooner or later he's going to learn the hard truth that :


Sometimes the Dragon wins!

[Russ]

Kids are great for getting down to the most basic questions. Good job of sincere critiquing by your son!

[Russ]

Well... sooner or later he's going to learn the hard truth that :


Sometimes the Dragon wins!

That is hilarious... I love the way the knight's right hand is still holding on to the lance.

[NightTrain]

That is hilarious... I love the way the knight's right hand is still holding on to the lance.

Yeah, that picture always cracked me up!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Thanks for the inspiring break my friend. Found only because I raced here to post the completed part of my in process, ongoing poem to meet Justin's critical demands!

Now back to the creative grind. I am not usually happy when I am forced to write an ending others choose but my son deserves it methinks.-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

JUSTIN NOW INFORMS ME THAT ALL MY NEW POEMS ARE BORING. HE SAYS I SHOULD BE WRITING ABOUT ninja Turtles, Mario, and a few others I can not even remember their names.
WHO KNOWS , MAYBE HE HAS A POINT... --Tyr