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    Default Attachment within sexual relationships.

    If your lover, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc, walked in one day and said they had just found love, how would you reply? I found this Buddhist article about attachments within a sexual relationship. I think I like it a lot. I think I want to be that - I want to be a person who would feel good for anyone who found the love of their life - even if that hurt me.


    Is it possible to be in a committed sexual relationship and follow the Buddha’s teaching on non-attachment? Does loving someone deeply by definition mean we’re attached to them? Sunada doesn’t see these ideas as contradictory, and explores what an enlightened relationship might look like.

    This year, my husband David and I will mark 27 years of being happily married. Am I attached to him? You bet I am. If he were to die tomorrow, of course I would be devastated. And am I completely unselfish in my regard for him? If I were honest, I’d have to say no. After all, what if he were to come home one day and say, “Sunada, I met a new woman and we love each other very much.” A completely other-regarding response would be, “I’m happy for you!” No, I couldn’t possibly imagine saying that.


    My understanding of attachment is that it’s not about what we have or don’t have, but what our expectations of them are.

    So does that make me a bad, overly-attached Buddhist? I would argue no.

    So then what is non-attachment in a loving, committed relationship? My understanding of attachment is that it’s not about what we have or don’t have, but what our expectations of them are. As unenlightened people, we live with a persistent delusion that people and things will provide us with more happiness and satisfaction than they really can. And this is where we get tripped up.


    …real contentment can only come from within ourselves. A partner can’t provide that for us, and to expect it will only lead to disappointment.

    So for example, how much am I using my partner’s love to fill a void in my own love and acceptance of myself? A truly healthy individual is one who is complete by herself, and doesn’t need to depend on anything or anyone else to feel whole and content. I don’t mean we should go it alone and isolate ourselves from others. I mean simply not to depend on someone or something external to me as a necessary condition for my happiness.


    So let’s not get caught up in our ideas of what attachment should or shouldn’t look like, what’s right or wrong. Let’s not lose sight of the forest for the trees. A relationship with a partner, because it’s by nature where we open ourselves completely to another person, is a great working ground for understanding the true nature of self and other. When we have our defenses down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to another person, we have the opportunity to explore deeply the nature of our own egos, desires, and expectations. We can challenge ourselves to aspire toward an enlightened relationship — one which is marked by a pure, unselfish, and unconditional love. What emerges is a partnership of strong individuals who don’t NEED each other, but openly give and take in loving support of one another.


    http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-pra...non-attachment
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dmp View Post
    If your lover, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc, walked in one day and said they had just found love, how would you reply?
    It would be almost as bad as turning on your computer one morning and... NOTHING!. All you have is a bunch of metal, plastic, and some circuit boards. Your world is crushed...

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    Been married 30 years. I tell my wife all the time, if she thinks she can find a better deal with someone else, then by all means, go for it. Me, I have the best deal imaginable.

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    Quote Originally Posted by glockmail View Post
    Been married 30 years. I tell my wife all the time, if she thinks she can find a better deal with someone else, then by all means, go for it. Me, I have the best deal imaginable.
    I don't believe a woman really likes to hear that.

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    I miss my husband every day. I didn't want him to leave me in any manner.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dmp View Post
    If your lover, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc, walked in one day and said they had just found love, how would you reply? I found this Buddhist article about attachments within a sexual relationship. I think I like it a lot. I think I want to be that - I want to be a person who would feel good for anyone who found the love of their life - even if that hurt me.





    http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-pra...non-attachment
    One does not ruin children's lives with a broken home just because it feels good. I know the words commitment, duty and honor are out of style, but they still spare us from lots of suffering.
    Experienced Social Distancer ... waaaay before COVID.

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    Quote Originally Posted by indago View Post
    It would be almost as bad as turning on your computer one morning and... NOTHING!. All you have is a bunch of metal, plastic, and some circuit boards. Your world is crushed...
    I think it might be a good thing to hear that. Selfless love would be happy for one's mate.

    Quote Originally Posted by Perianne View Post
    I miss my husband every day. I didn't want him to leave me in any manner.
    I can imagine the hurt. I'm sorry.


    Quote Originally Posted by tailfins View Post
    One does not ruin children's lives with a broken home just because it feels good. I know the words commitment, duty and honor are out of style, but they still spare us from lots of suffering.

    And the sense of commitment, duty and honor at ALL COSTS can create lots of suffering. My wife and I separating made my kids' lives MUCH MUCH better, and that feels good. To everyone. Did you read the link? This is about love - not recently-formed Christian ideals of what marriage/commitment should be. I suppose I could make the argument if I truly loved my wife and she found her true happiness with another man I would be beyond glad for her - happy for her because finding true happiness is rare and special.
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    I'm not wired that way. The betrayal from my first marriage left me crushed. Devastated. I couldn't even summon my anger to help, which is a damn sorry place to be in.

    But once I finally was able to rouse my anger as a defense mechanism, triggered by concern for my kid's well being, it was a pure, white-hot fury that took several years to cool. But it gave me the edge and I won everything.

    I see what the article is saying, but instincts for 1 man, 1 woman, 1 family is a powerful thing - and I think the notion of free love within the marriage is no marriage at all. It's a sham.
    Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum

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    Is it a sham because others are in a different place when it comes to all that?

    As the author mentions, she is not enlightened yet - and she too would be devastated.

    I LOVE the idea of what she writes. I would love to not allow another's happiness to cause me pain simply because their happiness means they leave me. I want to be strong enough to allow them to leave without impact to my self-worth - and remember, Conflict IS a perceived threat to one's self-esteem.

    Further - I think I am no longer in a place where I can entertain the traditional ideas of what a relationship should be. But I am in my place - nobody has to understand.
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dmp View Post
    Is it a sham because others are in a different place when it comes to all that?

    As the author mentions, she is not enlightened yet - and she too would be devastated.

    I LOVE the idea of what she writes. I would love to not allow another's happiness to cause me pain simply because their happiness means they leave me. I want to be strong enough to allow them to leave without impact to my self-worth - and remember, Conflict IS a perceived threat to one's self-esteem.

    Further - I think I am no longer in a place where I can entertain the traditional ideas of what a relationship should be. But I am in my place - nobody has to understand.
    Til death do us part.

    IMO, that should be taken literally. Even though I'm twice married, I still believe that.

    I know lots of guys that are confirmed bachelors... they'll get a girlfriend for a few years, then move on to other people and it's usually a somewhat problem-free breakup and they have fun with someone else for as long as they feel comfy in the relationship. I don't see anything wrong with that - they're happy with it and that's all that matters. And they're not engaging in marriages that are casually thrown aside, even though the promise was spoken.

    I'm not judging! Just my view on it, for better or worse. (!)
    Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum

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    You know I love you Rick
    “… the greatest detractor from high performance is fear: fear that you are not prepared, fear that you are in over your head, fear that you are not worthy, and ultimately, fear of failure. If you can eliminate that fear—not through arrogance or just wishing difficulties away, but through hard work and preparation—you will put yourself in an incredibly powerful position to take on the challenges you face" - Pete Carroll.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dmp View Post
    You know I love you Rick
    You told me that recently as well. I thought we were therefore spoken for.

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  22. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by jimnyc View Post
    You told me that recently as well. I thought we were therefore spoken for.
    Oh shit, now Jim knows.
    Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum

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    Quote Originally Posted by dmp View Post
    You know I love you Rick
    You two should get a room...



    They'll leave the light on for ya...

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    Quote Originally Posted by indago View Post
    I don't believe a woman really likes to hear that.

    Lots of things I say my wife doesn't care for.

    I think if all you're interested in sex you'e setting yourself up for some real bullshit.

    A friend of mine was divorced about four years ago. He wasn't faithful, so she gave him the boot. He was devastated and wanted to contest the divorce (dumbass!). I helped convince him that it was over by looking at the bright side: he was free to dip his wick into anything he wanted no with no fear of further retribution.

    He's been pretty active ever since, playing the field. Oh, I hear stories. He hooked up with a gal 25 years younger, scored some Viagra and had a hell of a time. Eventually he got tired of her immaturity so dumped her and moved on.

    Fast forward through five more woman and 20-something wants him back. I heard half of one of these conversations while driving back with him from a ski trip, and after 30 minutes he put it on speaker and I heard the whole thing. After another 90 minutes I interrupted her, told her who I was, that I heard all the threats on his property and his newest gal, and that if she acted on any of this crap I'd be the best witness that that prosecution could wish for. Heck, I'm so good, people pay me to be their witness.

    Later that night she broke into his apartment while he was locked in there, took off all her clothes and he refused to have sex with her. So she destroyed his apartment. He called the cops and she ended up in jail for 48 hours (mandatory here in NC) and during the arraignment the judge forbid her to have any contact with him until after the trial.

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