Good marriage advice: Go to bed angry

[darin]

how can you guys miss this?

"Do everything you can to not go to bed angry. But in the final analysis - because sometimes when you try to navigate life with another human being, who is in every way different than you, where you cant even agree on the things you think you agree about, because you're actually using the same words to mean different things and you won't figure it out for 10 more years...when you're in that situation, you do occasionally come to moments when you simply can not resolve in the moment. And you sit in that moment of complete desperation and you do not know how to you reconcile yourself with your spouse and the best thing you can in that moment is, go to bed. Go to bed literally. Because you will wake up in the morning and you will still be married. The beauty of marriage is that marriage is. You dont have to create marriage on a daily basis. Marriage will carry you through these problems if you lean on it as an institution given to you by God."

Are we actually listening to things - moving beyond the headlines and actually talking about things? Do words even matter?? God people....

[Noir]

how can you guys miss this?

Are we actually listening to things - moving beyond the headlines and actually talking about things? Do words even matter?? God people....

Can’t speak for others, but I listened through the video more than once, and found the message to be unsatisfactory, and rooted in ego. The implication that sustained anger towards a loved one is anything other than a failure of yourself sets a poor baseline, and it’s all downhill from there.

[Drummond]

Interesting advice in that video. Personally, I think it's stupid .. no marriage should involve a partnership where both take their marriage for granted, as the advice seems to imply. Marriages need work, need maintenance.

All I can say is that Brexit must be making some extremely stable marriages, here in Blighty ....

[darin]

Interesting advice in that video. Personally, I think it's stupid .. no marriage should involve a partnership where both take their marriage for granted, as the advice seems to imply. Marriages need work, need maintenance.

Taking the commitment as a GIVEN is not taking it for Granted. The entire point is when all else fails, the couple lean on eachother, knowing the commitment is sound, stable. To remember the other person is different and it takes years to solve some issues. I think the entire point of marriage is to make life better, easier...and when in conflict, knowing the marriage is not in question can de-escalate tensions.


I think what is happening in this thread is people are so caught up in 'everything they've been told' they resist insights. It's like the - what I think is terrible advice - advice to 'Marry your best friend!' - or specifically "start as friends first..." I think those things can bring doom to a marriage. People's first reaction is to attack the concept, then continue to fail to consider the ideas because it sounds counter to what they've been fed.

[darin]

Can’t speak for others, but I listened through the video more than once, and found the message to be unsatisfactory, and rooted in ego. The implication that sustained anger towards a loved one is anything other than a failure of yourself sets a poor baseline, and it’s all downhill from there.

I would be interested in what part specifically you found rooted in ego? Was it the part where he encouraged couples to work hard to solve an issue...but if it becomes beating a dead horse, simply lean INTO the marriage; where he encouraged couples to get to a point where, if nothing else, rest-well knowing the marriage is the rock; its the unchanging anchor.

I think you finding implied 'sustained anger' means you didn't really listen, or are stupid. But I don't think you're stupid. Because there is clearly NO implication of sustained anger. In fact, he doesn't even MENTION anger. Not in the least. He made no insinuation to treat the other partner rudely, or to hold grudges. In fact, I think even a 10 year old would understand the guy is saying Cleave to the partner. That's the opposite of ego. That's the opposite of anger.

[Noir]

I would be interested in what part specifically you found rooted in ego? Was it the part where he encouraged couples to work hard to solve an issue...but if it becomes beating a dead horse, simply lean INTO the marriage; where he encouraged couples to get to a point where, if nothing else, rest-well knowing the marriage is the rock; its the unchanging anchor.

I think leaving an argument with ‘I’m not going to talk to you anymore, I’m going to bed and when I wake up we’ll still be married’ is very specifically rooted in and egotistic mindset.

I think you finding implied 'sustained anger' means you didn't really listen, or are stupid. But I don't think you're stupid. Because there is clearly NO implication of sustained anger. In fact, he doesn't even MENTION anger. Not in the least. He made no insinuation to treat the other partner rudely, or to hold grudges. In fact, I think even a 10 year old would understand the guy is saying Cleave to the partner. That's the opposite of ego. That's the opposite of anger.

...I mean, because I did listen I heard him say “go to bed angry.”

You even put the word “angry” in the topic title because it was what he said :/

[darin]

I think leaving an argument with ‘I’m not going to talk to you anymore, I’m going to bed and when I wake up we’ll still be married’ is very specifically rooted in and egotistic mindset.

Who would suggest doing that? Can you explain how "I love you, we are not solving this tonite. Let's get some sleep despite not solving the problem" is rooted in anything but love and commitment?

...I mean, because I did listen I heard him say “go to bed angry.”

You even put the word “angry” in the topic title because it was what he said :/

But using the word for the title is less important than the point he was making. He says essentially "Go to be angry" then clearly describes going to be without resolution. To not be afraid to stop arguing if its not helping anything. Comprehension helps a ton.

[Noir]

Who would suggest doing that? Can you explain how "I love you, we are not solving this tonite. Let's get some sleep despite not solving the problem" is rooted in anything but love and commitment?

But using the word for the title is less important than the point he was making. He says essentially "Go to be angry" then clearly describes going to be without resolution. To not be afraid to stop arguing if its not helping anything. Comprehension helps a ton.

So when he says “go to bed angry” he doesn’t mean “go to bed angry”...I can see why his wife goes to bed angry.

[darin]

So when he says “go to bed angry” he doesn’t mean “go to bed angry”...I can see why his wife goes to bed angry.

You are being stupid.

"My advice, go to bed angry! - But what i mean by that is there are times when you're at an impasse - you both should consider just stopping. Stopping the argument. Go to bed with it unsolved knowing the Marriage is solid. Lean into the marriage commitment because it can sustain you when stressed."

That message has to be clear to adult readers. and that message is perfect.

[High_Plains_Drifter]

I virtually never go to bed angry. I can't remember that last time I did, or if I ever did. I always wake up in a good mood too.

Far as I'm concerned, life is good.

Time to go vote...

[STTAB]

I went to bed angry with my wife twice last night. Made sure she knew what was what.